Lying for Too Long

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just recently started dating, this is my first experience in life, and I’m 40 years old. Because of many reasons I didn’t feel comfortable putting my real age, so I created a profile as a 38 year old woman. And guess what? I met an amazing guy, and we’ve been together for almost 6 months; he is 54, and he is always honest about his age and everything else. He asked me several times just as part of the conversation, and I keep confirming my wrong age, because I simply cannot say the real thing. It’s funny, but I just cannot do it for such a long time. And I want to be completely honest with him… so now I don’t know what to do and how to approach this issue. How to handle this situation? I think that this will spoil our relationship.

Dear Lying for Too Long,

Yikes, it sounds like you’ve had many opportunities to tell your boyfriend the truth and I’m not sure why you didn’t come clean then. And since he keeps asking, I’m pretty sure he probably already knows. In 6 months I’m sure he’s been able to sneak a peek at your driver’s license or do the math of when you graduated high school. At 54 years old, I bet he’d be happy to hear that you’re closer to his age. Funny thing is, at his age and assuming his age range preferences, you probably would have met him anyways! Your boyfriend may be upset at first because you have, after all,  lied to him for six months, but I bet he’ll get over it. It is only 2 years. I think the best way to confess is to be perfectly honest. The next time the subject of age comes up, just tell him. It will be awkward at first, but if you tell him exactly what you told me — you felt you needed to lie in order to meet someone and then you met him and things just happened so fast you didn’t know how to tell him the truth. And now you want things to move on to the next level with him so you had to come clean. Add that you know it may not be easy to digest but that you hope your relationship is strong enough to survive. Again, it’s only 2 years! Hopefully he agrees with me. Good luck!


Lying About Your Age

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I was dating this guy long distance who I met on JDate. He thought I was 3 years younger and when I told him my true age he said I lied and abruptly broke up with me. He said he cannot handle a lie because he had been lied to before. We had only seen each other twice over about 4 or so months when he came to town for two weekends but he said that I lied for too long. He said that if I would have told him the truth anytime beforehand he would have been okay with it. What happened?

Dear Lying About Your Age,

I’ve gotten so many emails from people asking if it’s okay to lie about your age so that you’re not blocked out by someone’s age preference. And if you decide to do so, when should you ‘fess up? I’m not going to endorse lying, but if you’re going to do so then you need to admit your real age right away when you meet. It’s not fair to let someone get to know you and like you when you’ve misrepresented yourself. It’s simple — when you first meet someone, exchange pleasantries and then stop the conversation and come clean. Let them know your motivation was pure and that if they’re not cool with it you understand but that you hope your connection is strong enough to continue the date.

As for the guy you already went out with, write him an email. Take your time writing it, make sure there are no typos or grammatical errors to distract him from your message and explain what happened. Let him know how much you like him and that you thought you had already told him about your real age. Apologize and ask him to forgive you based on the connection you created. Since some time has passed, it will allow him to calm down about the whole ordeal and he can read your reasoning at his pace, and he may change his mind. But he may not. It can’t hurt to try.