Da Dump! … Da Dump! The foreboding music from Jaws? Yes. Plus it’s also the ominous sound of Valentine’s Day about to bite us and our wallets. We just overpaid for a night on the town on New Year’s Eve. Aren’t there other ways of demonstrating your love besides getting ripped off? No. The restaurants know we’re trapped – why else would they jack up the prices?

When I offer up Valentine’s Day gifts, I feel like such a walking cliché. “Oh, a heart-shaped package of chocolates. How novel! And flowers. So… lacking in original thought-ful!”

You also run the risk of overestimating the relationship. “What makes you think we’ve reached the red roses stage? Pink roses, maybe.”

I don’t know about you, but when St. Valentine nears me, his aim gets sloppy. Our hearts may be his target, but his arrow winds up grazing our handheld devices before images of little iPhones®, not valentines, erupt over our heads. Translation: We’re checking JDate for what else is out there.

Just kidding, guys. It’s a great holiday. And we’ve still got a week to finalize our plans. How ‘bout… chocolate flowers?

We all come to online dating for different reasons.   Some of us are looking for a mere hookup, others are looking to casually date, while others want relationships and more.

Whatever the reasons are, each person is entitled to use online dating for whatever purpose they wish.

However, what do you do when you are meeting lots of people, have never made any intentions to commit yet, and an important day comes up?

For example, let’s say you are dating a couple of women casually and its Valentine’s Day.

Even though you may have never made any intentions to fully commit, women you are dating will expect you to be around on this day regardless of whether or not you are exclusive yet.  They may say they don’t care, but they will.

The only way to avoid these difficulties is to get out of town!  Disappear for a day and avoid the unnecessary drama.  This will keep you from avoiding any potential bad situations and is the only solution to this dilemma.

And remember, you’re not doing anything wrong unless you made your intent to commit clear!

For whatever my self-reflective opinion is worth, I consider myself to be an extraordinarily low maintenance woman in the context of a relationship. I am an ideal match for the lazy man, the poor man or the jerk. So when my tremendously low expectations are not met, this is a very bad sign. When it becomes apparent that the recipient of the Valentine’s Day note I wrote, in all my rare earnestness, had not read said note, even several days after its receipt, I raised an eyebrow to the validity of his stated interest. This made the next two to three disappointments he managed to squeeze in over the next few days all the more predictable and therefore easy to accept. Work today was awkward obviously. We spoke on the phone just now to confirm that yes, it’s for the best we terminate the dating aspect of our friendship. On his end there were some apologies, some “I like you but…” and some hemming and hawing and not knowing what he wants from life at the present time. In the end, the conversation was a lot of blah blah blah. Cordial blah blah blah though and work tomorrow will not be so awkward.

Historically, I’ve had great expectations in the post-compulsory Valentine’s Day exchange years, but declaratory statements of love made in skywriting format are nothing more than a flight of fancy. Instead, reducing my expectations to a card from my parents means never having to be disappointed. The day that so many resent for the awkward situations it creates, gets more awkward for the newly-involved. Nascent relationships and Valentine’s Day are a dangerous combination! For many, Valentine’s Day is nothing more than a cheesy opportunity for Hallmark and their ilk to make some money after a January sales-slump. Though the gentleman in question’s stance on the legacy of St. Valentine is ambivalent, it seems irrelevant in light of his stance on me, which is unquestionably favorable.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I have gone out five times with this cute guy, who is a true gentleman and is looking for marriage (at least he wrote that in his profile). He is generous and smart, and keeps telling me he is comfortable being with me and that I am so pretty and smart and so on. He plans the dates based on my schedule and picks me up and usually has the entire evening planned. We also spent Valentine’s Day together and he brought me red roses, but he still logs on to his profile every night and it bothers me seeing him online. After how many dates should he stop checking out other girls online?

Thank you so much.

Dear Still Online,

My first question is; how do you know he is still online? Are you watching him or are you still looking at profiles, too? It can be very tempting to watch people online; however, it is usually not a productive activity and tends to lead to mistrust. My suggestion is to give this new relationship a bit more time.  Five dates is a great start, but a long-term, exclusive relationship it is not. See where things go. Take it slowly. Get to really know this person and let things progress naturally. Once the relationship becomes exclusive then the conversation regarding checking out other girls online will be appropriate. When two people commit to one another, looking at profiles is not an activity either one needs to be engaging in, but until that time he, just as you, can continue to look at profiles without feeling badly.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

I read an interesting article the other day that proclaimed Valentine’s Day as the biggest break-up day of the year?!? Huh? Isn’t this the holiday designated to commemorate romance and love.  I guess Hollywood, Hallmark and gender differences probably don’t help with the pressures and expectations imposed on this day that often send emotions running. 

Some women, hoping for a commitment, are left analyzing what the heck a stuffed penguin signifies in relation to their future. I asked my friend what romantic gesture he did for his live-in girlfriend for Valentine’s Day. When he responded “nothing” my jaw dropped in surprise. And then admittedly, he revealed the bloodiness that transpired as a result of that misstep. Bottom line: assess the strength of your relationship on the other days of the year. Ladies: “in general”, men don’t view this Hallmark-created holiday the same way you do. Cut some slack on this one. Men: TRY to at least do something thoughtful, even small, that you may not normally do. Trust me, it will save you from a dreaded discussion and any necessary band-aids.

With Valentine’s Day fast approaching, the question becomes, “How do we as singles get through the day without letting it get the best of us?” I know for myself, I am going to spend the day with some of my single friends.  We are going to have the ultimate girl day.  Junk food, shopping and chick flicks.
I think this particular day tends to bring out the all-or-nothing thinking in most people.  It is either you have someone special or you don’t. The way one approaches the day can make all of the difference.  You can chose to become pessimistic and think about the fact there isn’t a special someone around, or you can think about the good aspects of being single and look towards the future with optimism. Having faith, in my opinion, is a very important way of looking at things. When the time is right that special someone will be there.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I’ve been dating a nice guy since October. One might think that by now I would know how to handle the upcoming Valentine’s Day in terms of the form a gift might take. However, he’s got a hard time accepting any compliments or any expression that translates to “you’re special.” Also, neither of us is into expensive gift giving. Typically, what’s the role of the woman for Valentine’s Day? I love giving to people, but in this case, I don’t know what to do.

Dear Valentine’s Day Gift-Giving,

I would be interested to know more about the difficult time this guy has accepting compliments. It sounds to me as if he has a difficult time validating how you truly feel about him. With this said, I can definitely empathize with your plight. I might be wrong, but it appears that you are walking on eggshells where this guy is concerned. If giving to people is your thing, why stop now? Part of being in a relationship is staying true to you. With that said, I don’t know if there really is a typical role for the woman when it comes to gift giving on Valentine’s Day. What do you want to give him? What makes the most sense to you? If he were able to accept your compliments what would you consider giving him? Ask yourself these questions and then make the decision. Gifts do not have to be expensive, but they should translate into how you are feeling towards the recipient. For instance, if he is into wine buy him his favorite bottle. If he enjoys basketball get him a couple of tickets. If he likes your cooking make him a homemade meal. Just remember, gift giving should be an enjoyable experience not one that causes anxiety.

Signed,

Gems from Jen

If there was a challenge over who was the sappiest romantic, I might be up there with the best of them. I’m definitely a girlie girl. I cried without restraint as I watched The Notebook for the third time and I truly believe in happily ever after.  Yet, regardless of whether I’m single or attached, having Hallmark dictate when I should be extra “romantic” does not sit well with me. I find it cliché and forced.  Shouldn’t everyday be Valentine’s Day?  Shouldn’t you aspire every day to make your significant other feel special? There is no real reason why flowers, chocolate and specials surprises should mean so much more on February 14th. I hate to be the Grinch who stole Valentine’s…but I think Hallmark and Godiva will survive regardless.

Dear Gems from Jen,

I was fixed up with an adorable guy who just lost his wife 6 months before.  We date and sleep together but he constantly talks about his wife.  For three Saturdays in a row, we didn’t go out.  First Saturday, he had a family reunion, second Saturday, it was Valentine’s Day, which was a special holiday with his wife and the third Saturday, he said he had work to do for a play he was producing.  Instead of allowing him to break up with me, I broke up with him in a message over the phone.  I miss him – what should I do?  Forget him or call him?  We haven’t talked for 3 months.

Dear Still Mourning His Wife,

Mourning a loved one’s death is different for each person.  There are no hard and fast rules; however, there are stages people tend to go through until they get to a place most commonly known as acceptance.  The man you were involved with seems to have not yet reached the acceptance stage.  Why do I say that? Let me explain. You acknowledged that he was constantly talking about his wife.  He also was not able to spend Valentine’s Day with you because it was a day that was filled with memories of his late wife.

What is it you miss about him? If you knew this man was a widower, you believed he was going to break up with you, and the death of his wife occurred just months before you began dating him, what was it that you expected from this relationship? What would you like from him now, only a few months later? 

It sounds to me as if you were competing with an ingrained memory. I question if he could be fully invested in a relationship with you, after such a brief and incomplete period of mourning. I wonder how he feels about being told you no longer were interested in dating him via a phone message. This man has lost his wife and has now had another relationship end without any choice or input from him, all in less than a year.

My best suggestion would be to move forward and leave him in the past. Find someone who is emotionally available and can become invested 100 percent in a relationship with you. Everyone has memories, but some are harder to let go of than others.

Signed,
Gems from Jen