Dear Tamar: Playing the Viewing Game

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

Dear Tamar,

I’ve been attempting to get in contact with this girl whom I’d like to get to know. But I’m not getting anywhere.

She originally viewed my profile and after looking at hers I decided to send her a message. I didn’t get a response but she did look at my profile again, good news I guess. I then waited a few days to see if she would reply to my message and still nothing.

I then sent a follow up message and again no response but she viewed my profile again. I’m not 100% sure what this means but I think that she’s interested but somewhat unsure about responding.

Do you have any advice? She seems like someone who I can develop a relationship with.


Dear Viewing Game,

First, look to see if your email to her was “read” or not. If it was read by her and she hasn’t yet responded but she’s still viewing your profile then perhaps write her again and jokingly let her know that you know she’s unsure about whether to respond and that you’ll make it worth her effort, or that she won’t be disappointed, or something else fun and light-hearted.

If your message isn’t showing as “read” then unfortunately it sounds like she may not have a paid JDate account. Obviously being able to contact prospective JDaters is the biggest reason to get a paid account and sometimes people wait until they have someone who’ve they’ve played this viewing game with before finally joining. Try sending her a flirt since she can see that without being a subscriber. She won’t be able to respond but it might be the catalyst to finally getting her to subscribe.

The final option is to try and catch her online so that you can instant message her. Again, you have to be a subscriber to begin the IM session but she doesn’t have to be a subscriber to answer. Now, go get her!

Need more tips on Jewish dating? How to Woo a Jew has your answers! Buy the book and follow on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook!

No Views? No Way!

by Tamar Caspi under JDate,Online Dating,Single Life

I’ve been getting a lot of people complaining about not getting any views, and to that I answer: there’s just no way that’s happening if you’re using JDate correctly.

  • First, check your settings and make sure your profile is visible. It’s up to you to decide if you want to be visible to non-members, but I suggest you do so.
  • Next, complete your profile. If you have photos, but nothing written, or vice-versa (not having photos is always a detriment with online dating, but bad photos could be even worse!), then take the time to finish up your profile.
  • Expand your preferences if they are too narrow. If you live in a small town in the middle of nowhere, then your range should be set to a much broader mileage radius then if you live in a major city. Someone who lives in New York City may want to stick to Manhattan for quite some time before extending their range to the other boroughs, then neighboring states.
  • Are you going on JDate enough? Potential prospects look to see when you’re online. If you haven’t logged in since last week then you’re not active enough. You don’t need to have multiple IM conservations going on simultaneously at all hours of the night, but you should show that you are active by logging on daily.
  • Are you sending the right signals? Are you viewing the people who have viewed you? Are you using Flirts and Favorites and Secret Admirer? Have you sent an easy-breezy email? If the answer is “no” to any of these questions then you have some work to do.

If you’re still not getting the results you want, then feel free to email me your profile name and I’ll be happy to review your profile to see if there’s anything glaringly wrong that could be turning off potential suitors.

Who’s Viewed You?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Every single one of you is guilty, admit it. As soon as you log in to your JDate account the first thing you do is click on the “Who’s Viewed You?” link and see who has checked out your profile since the last time you logged in. Sometimes you’re excited because the prospect has viewed you again and there’s mutual interest, sometimes you’re excited to see some new faces and other times you get supremely bummed because neither of the above happened.

Then of course you go to the “Recently Viewed” link to see if the prospects you viewed have logged in since then and if they have, why didn’t they view you back? And if they haven’t logged in yet then at least there’s still a morsel of hope!

This is why it’s imperative that you keep your profile set to viewable because if you’ve hidden your profile — even if you email prospects — then you are exponentially lowering your odds at meeting someone. So unless you’re in the midst of doing a profile makeover or are dating someone and waiting to see how serious it gets then there’s no reason to hide your profile.

What’s a Girl To Do?

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I am a relatively new member of JDate, the only online dating site I have ever used. I joined about a month ago, and of course was completely bombarded by emails, flirts, and IMs from the men on the site. I have been told by many that I wrote an excellent essay on both myself and what I’m looking for and my pictures are very popular as well. (I work in publication design, so I guess I knew what I was doing!) I was flattered by this unexpected explosion of attention, but frankly, expected it to die down after the first few weeks. It hasn’t. I am completely swamped by the amount of men communicating with me, and frankly, being a single mother who has custody of her child most of the time, I really don’t have enough time to date around. So my question is, “What’s a girl to do?” How do I filter through so many without spending all of my time online or inadvertently blowing off someone who may actually be perfect for me? Help!

Dear What’s a Girl To Do?

I wouldn’t go around bragging about all the attention you’re getting because most people are in the opposite situation. LOL. That said, you definitely need a technique to weed out the JDaters®. Instant messaging can take up a lot of time so if you have your kid that night then concentrate on your emails and save the IMing for the other nights. Next, have a standard rejection letter that you can copy and paste. In it, thank the suitor for his interest and then gently let him down.  But let’s get back to how you eliminate suitors. You can quickly scan the photos and see if there’s attraction. Then read the emails and see if they are well written and include something about you to let you know the guy actually looked at your profile. From there, check out the profiles of whomever is left and see if your preferences match up and if you have commonalities. If you have attraction, are impressed by the email and share interests, then respond to the email and, in it, include your phone number. The guys that call within 2 days are the ones you want to concentrate on, the others are maybes. Finally, you can always write in your profile that you’re looking for only serious suitors. Hopefully that helps!

Separation Anxiety

by Tamar Caspi under JBloggers,Online Dating

Dear Tamar,

I just subscribed to JDate a few weeks ago and I put on my profile that I am separated because even though I am in the settlement stage of my divorce and have been separated almost a year, I haven’t legally completed the divorce. I do notice that guys I am interested in on here are not ideally looking for someone who is “separated”.  It’s not like I am going back to my ex and I am truly ready to move on. Should I keep my profile listed as separated for now?


Dear Separation Anxiety,

Without a doubt I would recommend selecting “Divorced” as your marital status. Not only does “Separated” denote unfinished business, but also it’s more information than anyone needs to know at this stage. Only once you’re actually on a face-to-face date and are rehashing your histories should you disclose this information. But I don’t think it’s enough for you to simply change that part of your profile, because anyone who has looked at your profile has already seen it and may remember it. I would recommend doing a profile facelift — taking new photos, changing around your “About Me” paragraph and maybe even creating a new screen name — all in the hopes of attracting attention and letting them know that you are ready and have moved on. Good luck!

Making Contact

by Tamar Caspi under JBloggers,JDate,Online Dating

Minutes after creating a JDate profile you’ll probably start getting a lot of views right off the bat. Being fresh meat on the JDate market means you’re feeling pretty hot right about now, but how do you convert the views into dates? And what do you do when someone else’s profile catches your eye?

First, use the JDate tools to your advantage. When the “views”, “flirts” and “clicks” are used and reciprocated, you know the other person is interested… now it’s time to make a move and send a message. But wait… I’m an old fashioned type of gal and I believe if the guy is interested he’ll make the move, just as if we were in a bar. So the women can send flirts to their hearts desire, but let the guy make the first move. So guys (or gals who don’t want to sit around waiting,after all, it is a free world), when you write your message make sure it is not about you! We can learn enough about you by reading your profile. The message should be about why you like the other person, what caught your eye and what you have in common. Make the message specific to the person you’re writing to and add a compliment or two for good measure. The message should be short and sweet, but at least three lines. And do not ever, and I mean never, copy and paste a generic e-mail, it’s always obvious!

If you’re on the receiving end of a message, you can easily check to make sure the writer actually read your profile by looking for specifics. If you think the writer is attractive, you like their profile and their message, then go ahead and write back. But don’t wait too long. You should reply within the next day or two, just as you would if the message were a phone call to return. The reply should consist of a thank you, a return compliment and your phone number. That’s it. Keep it simple.

So Much Viewing

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Online Dating

Dear Gems from Jen,
Why do so many men view your profile, you view theirs, and then nothing comes of it?
I feel that talking to someone is interesting, and also helps to see who meshes with you.

Dear So Much Viewing,
Viewing a profile is one thing, corresponding is another. I agree, talking to people is usually interesting and it is generally a good way of determining if there is some common ground. Contact does not mean marriage; it means going out on a limb and making oneself a bit vulnerable. My suggestion is to start the conversation with these men who have viewed your profile but haven’t made contact. The worst that could happen is they are not interested.  You will not have lost anything. You might be surprised with the responses you get and meet some interesting people in the process. Someone has to make the first move, so why not take your dating life into your own hands and you do the following through?

Gems from Jen