Trying to Figure it All Out

by Tamar Caspi under Relationships

Dear Tamar,

I just want to meet a guy I can hit it off with. Is that so difficult?

1) How can I judge if they only want sex?
2) How can I know that they are honest?
3) How do I know they don’t have psychological issues?

Dear Trying to Figure it All Out,

Unfortunately you won’t know if a guy only wants sex, is honest or is sane until you’ve been on at least one date but there may be signs along the way that you should look out for including: Is the guy only commenting about your physical attributes? Is the guy actually listening to what you’re saying and having a back-and-forth conversation? Is the guy sharing personal items with you? Is the guy only talking about himself? Is the guy having trouble looking you in the eye? Is the guy too touchy-feely or too in your face? Some of these questions you can ask yourself while reading email correspondence, IMs and on the phone but some you may need to answer in person. You will waste many nights on bad dates, so will men, but your Beshert will come along. It’s the digging through all the dirt until you find that diamond that makes it all the more worth it. You should learn about yourself and about what really matters to you in a mate along the way, so don’t think it’s not worth it. One last thing — don’t spend the conversation trying to read between the lines seeing if the guy is a player, is lying or is crazy because then you’re the one who’s not being an active participant in the date. Once you’re radar is honed in, you should be able to tell a bad seed from the good ones.


TMI

by GemsFromJen under JBloggers,Online Dating,Relationships

Dear Gems from Jen,
I started writing to a man on JDate about a week ago.  Unfortunately, we started texting about sex, and it got out of hand.  He’s divorced because his ex cheated on him, and apparently kept secrets from him. So now he thinks everything in a relationship should be totally transparent.  We went on our first date 2 days ago, and it went well.  But, he wanted to keep talking about sex (what I like to do, etc), and I felt uncomfortable with that.  He seems to want to know everything about me upfront (what medicines I take, he even asked me what I did when I woke up at night to go to the bathroom!).  It’s almost like he wants to weed out anyone unsuitable upfront, and move on to the next possible suitable candidate for partnership.  He is very nice, charming, and there is attraction, but when I told him that I wanted to back off on talking about sex until we were in a sexual relationship, he said I was playing games.  He said I could ask him anything and he would tell me, and he wants to be able to do the same with me. I’m not sure I want to reveal everything to him all at once; it seems like rushing the whole relationship.  What do you think?  We have another date set for a week from now, but we’re probably going to talk on the phone between now and then.  I’m not sure what to do.  I don’t really have anything to hide.  I’m just not sure if it’s healthy to share everything so soon.

Dear TMI,
Take from this experience a lesson learned. Revealing too much too soon can have results that are not favorable. It sounds as if you are correct regarding this guy. If you are not comfortable that is your first warning signal. Starting a relationship with ”sex talk” tends to make people feel as if they have to live up to a preconceived notion whether they want to or not. It takes the mystery and excitement out of the entire process. I would definitely listen to your instincts on this one.  Asking about medication and what you do when you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night is TMI for anyone starting a new relationship. It seems to me that you are not game playing just reconsidering your position.
Dating is something that takes time and getting to know someone is an experience not a fact finding mission only lasting a few days. If the getting to know someone period is rushed then you are missing out on a very important part of the relationship.  Think of it this way; how long did it take you to get to know your best girlfriend? I’m pretty certain it was not rushed.  It usually comes naturally and genuine romantic relationships ideally should work in the same manner.
Remember this experience when you meet the next guy.  Getting to know someone takes time. Only reveal personal information when you feel comfortable, not when he feels comfortable.
 Signed,
 Gems from Jen