under Online Dating
The only reason I am writing this post is so that my coworkers at work won’t want to kill themselves at about 2:30 today. However, this is not just philanthropic. I also want to hear laughs all around me while you guys are reading this. Laugh! If you happen to be someone far from my desk, Morgan, laugh much harder. If anyone asks why you’re laughing, tell them that your pregnancy has made you lose touch with reality and run out of the office yelling some nonsense about how you must immediately go to the beach so that you can lay your egg with all of the other sea turtles.
Okay, I’m not going to mention anybody else here. I don’t want to play favorites. I also don’t want to get into any kind of trouble. You’re all my favorite. Kind of like how during school, whoever happened to be sitting next to you at lunch on Friday was your favorite because you were in the midst of eating a fried chicken sandwich.
I’m not going to talk about work anymore. I’ve said too much. Let’s stay on topic.
I’m at a weird place where I don’t exactly have to lie to women anymore, but I also shouldn’t really tell them the truth. Yeah, I make enough money to feed myself and go out on weekends, so I don’t really have to lie about my income, but that’s partly because I’m not married, and my only investments consist of products you can regularly buy at Subway, Chili’s, and websites that sell socks. I’ve lost a lot of weight, so I don’t have to post misleading photos on my profile, but I haven’t really groomed my body at all below my neck since the weight has come off. I wear my mouthpiece at night now at night to prevent my teeth from grinding, so my mouth no longer looks like I habitually abuse crystal meth. But since I didn’t use that mouthpiece for so long my teeth will eventually be ground down enough to the point where I will look somewhat homeless, which will actually be appropriate, because I will be completely homeless. Homeless people almost never wear their nighttime orthopedic mouth guards. They are so irresponsible.
under Single Life
I recently found that I am the most miserable from 8-11 am on weekdays. Though many moments throughout the days of the week are accompanied by pain, depression, and hunger, none pack the punch of 8-11. Take 6 am. No, take it! Though I say that in jest, 6 am is one of the most miserable moments of the day. I actually usually wake up at 5:59 am, so that God gives me a moment where I think I have more time to sleep, and then slaps me in the face with His omnipresence in alarm form 15 seconds later. Is it not enough that I’m single? Is it not enough that I don’t allow myself to eat anything but turkey sandwiches?
Also, 6:10 am is equally horrible. That is the moment that I run out of breakfast to eat and have to face the harsh reality of five-and-a-half hours of hunger. However, the worst part of my day always starts at 8 am. 8 am marks the start of a three hour period where my pre-k to kindergarten class has the freedom to do whatever they want. Most of their work is done on the floor. The floor of a giant classroom where I must continuously sit down and get back up. This gets worse as the week progresses because I gradually lose energy due to my diet, until the point where I stand up and briefly see nothing but stars until I wake up again to the harsh reality of where I am. The first hour is bad. The second hour is worse. The third hour would be the end of me if it wasn’t directly before lunch.
However, this chunk of day is a huge weight that lifts once it’s over. At 11 am, I literally feel reborn every day of the week. I rebirth myself five days a week. After my rebirth, I look for sustenance as the three hours have drained everything inside of me. Everything after that moment is great. I am so happy the rest of the day, I don’t even remember the fact that I have to live it all over again the next day. I feel like I do after seeing a movie. You know when you think you can do anything? You have that sudden urge to call every girl you have a crush on and tell them? Do you want that moment to last for the better part of an evening? Next thing I know, I am all comfy in my bed, and look at the clock, and it’s 5:59 am.