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Ask Dr. Ruth: Providing Answers for Jewish Singles

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qDear Dr. Ruth,
I am a mature divorced woman. I am finding that too many men on JDate are looking for a woman with money. Without exception, men I talk with on the phone or go out with on the first date immediately bring up questions to find out my financial status. They ask if I live in a house, where it’s located, do I own it, am I the sole owner. I want to ask them if they are interested in real estate or a relationship. Is a computer the only property these men possess? I am an attractive, bright, educated woman. Do you have anything encouraging to say that could help me out?

a I suppose that I’m not surprised that some men are using a service like JDate to find gullible women with money so that they can get their hands on some of it. What I suggest you do is report them to JDate. I’m not saying they’re thieves, but you never know and so it would be better if JDate knew about them. Obviously most of the men on JDate are looking for romance, not easy prey, but just the way MySpace had to remove 29,000 known sexual predators from their list last spring, every social networking website is going to attract some bad apples which is why every one who uses one must be careful.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
Three months into dating someone, I asked him to become exclusive since he wanted to have sex. I suggested we both remove our profiles from JDate. He told me “no.”

During the start of his courtship, He and I would take turns speaking to each other every day; we would go out one night during the week, and on Friday night and Sunday mid-afternoon. He introduced me to his family, and only one friend. He would encourage his mother and sister to get to know me during this time and we became fast friends. However, he was always very secretive of what he was doing on Saturday nights.

When he told me that he wanted to be a friend with benefits, I replied “no.” He told me he “loved me, but was not in-love with me.” So his passion lessened, but the undercurrent remained.

It is now a year later, he still calls me, and he still goes out on dates with others and sees me. I would love to have the relationship start fresh and see if we could be develop into a true romantic relationship.

How do you know what he wants? I am so confused. Does he want just a platonic friendship OR does he want a relationship and doesn’t know how to commit. I can’t tell…

a I don’t know if he has one girlfriend whom he sees on Saturdays or a different woman every Saturday (or a different man for all I know) but it doesn’t seem like he’s available to be a permanent partner. Good for you that you won’t have sex with him. He admits he’s not in love with you, and you need to stop seeing him so that you have the opportunity to find somebody to love. At least he’s sufficiently honorable not to lie to you just to get you into bed, but if you continue to see him, you’ll be wasting time and opportunities to find a real partner who will commit.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
I’ve been on JDate for years now & am really getting discouraged. I’m in my late 30′s and it’s really beginning to feel like my soul mate isn’t out there. I’ve spent a lot of money subscribing and only have a handful of dates a year since there just doesn’t seem to be anyone reasonably compatible who wants to meet me. I have a strong Jewish identity and am very into animal rights and vegetarianism and there just doesn’t seem to be that kind of man out there.

A lot of older men contact me but I’m not comfortable with that & it seems guys my age usually want much younger women (even though men tell me I look like I’m in my late 20′s) which is very upsetting. I feel like I need to stay on it in case my match suddenly joins since I don’t want to miss out. I’m not sure if it’s better to just forget about it and take a break for a while or just stay on continuously? Any thoughts?

a You’re setting your sights very high, wanting a soul mate who’s into animal rights and vegetarianism. Maybe you need to join some groups that share those passions and see if you can’t meet someone that way. It’s perfectly all right to set your standards at a high level, but you have to accept that it’s going to make it more difficult for you to find a partner.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
About 3 1/2 years ago I had a total hysterectomy and double oopherectomy due to endometrial carcinoma in situ. Thank G-d they got it all and I did not need any further intervention. Until then I had a very good figure. I have even been asked out by a celebrity. I was considered extremely attractive. Since then I have put on weight and in spite of strong attempts to lose it, I have not been able to lose weight so far.

I am very self-conscious about dating. My face looks good, but I feel very fat. I have joined JDate in an attempt to meet someone but no one has emerged yet and I am conflicted about answering a lot of the ads because of my fear of rejection. What light do you have to shed on my situation?

a It seems that everyone wants to date someone who is a celebrity or looks like a celebrity. We have become obsessed with appearance.The key word you used was celebrity. It seems that everyone wants to date someone who is a celebrity or looks like a celebrity. We have become obsessed with appearance. I know that’s not your fault because it stems from our society and the media’s influence. But you have to realize that it’s a trap because nobody’s appearance stays the same. As we get older, our bodies change, and rarely for the better. And while it’s good to watch your weight for health reasons, you can’t sit at home feeling lonely because you’re overweight. You at least have to try to find a partner. Rejection is something everyone faces, including celebrities. Even gorgeous celebrities get rejected or lose their partners to someone else, as we see in the headlines every day. So you can’t be afraid but must just dive into the dating game and see what happens.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
I am a 58 year old woman widowed 7 years ago. I have been listed on JDate for a while but have yet to met even one man that I would like to pursue in a relationship. Moreover, many of the men near my age that I contact showing interest don’t even respond to me. I notice that so many in my age bracket want a woman in their 30′s or 40′s. I don’t even approach these men. What am I doing wrong? I wonder if the men that I would be interested in are reluctant to internet date. Could the word widow scare them off? Should I give up on internet prospects? I know that is more than one question but I am really losing the energy to keep looking. Please help.

a While I would tell any woman to try to find a man on JDate, I would also tell her to be open to other avenues as well. There are 22 year olds who have problems finding a partner, and it doesn’t get any easier as you get older. All you can do is tell as many people as you can that you’re actively looking, use a site like JDate and get yourself out of the house as much as possible so that you can meet a lot of men, hopefully one of which might be right for you.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
I have always had a problem realizing whether women like me or not. What are some signs that a man can pick-up on when going on a first date to know if a woman is really interested?

a This may sound flip, but the biggest clue is whether or not she agrees to go on a second date. While a second date doesn’t mean you’re going to get married, it certainly shows interest. My advice to you would be not to worry about what she’s thinking so much and just be yourself. Unless you’re making a really good first impression, or a really bad one, she’s going to need some time to formulate her opinion of you. Then, if you’re interested and you call her in a couple of days, you’ll know the answer to your question according to her response.


qDear Dr. Ruth,
I’ve recently been on a few dates with a man I met on JDate and things have been going really well. But now I am starting to feel uncomfortable because even though we haven’t made a point of being monogamous I noticed he’s still using the site. Should I confront him about this or am I being too paranoid?

a I’m not sure that paranoid is the correct word. If the two of you haven’t said to one another that you want to be in an exclusive relationship, then I suppose he’s free to do what he wants. And he’s not even doing this behind your back, since he’s keeping his profile up on JDate. If you feel you might like to make this an exclusive relationship, then you should say something. If you’re not sure, then you should just keep your mouth shut, because then if someone else were to ask you out, you’d say yes, wouldn’t you.

… even though we haven’t made a point of being monogamous I noticed he’s still using the siteWhat concerns me most about your question is that you didn’t use the word exclusive, as I have, but monogamous. That would indicate to me that after only a few dates you’re already having sex with him. I know I’m old fashioned, but if he already is having the benefit of having sex with you, if you’ve removed most of the mystery, before he’s even had a chance of falling in love with you, then I can see why he might be looking to meet other women. Your ultimate goal should be to look for a real relationship, not just a series of men to date and have sex with. And for that to happen, I believe you have to slow the process down, and not rush into bed.

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