Ask Nickie and Evan: Courting Commitment
Nickie Shapira and Evan Marc Katz set you straight on how to JDate.
Dear Nickie and Evan,
I met a guy on JDate three weeks ago. Since then, we have been seeing each other a few times a week and talking every night on the phone. He is a great catch – good looking, successful, nice, and funny. When we’re together, he treats me like his girlfriend, but he’s repeatedly told me he’s not interested in having a serious relationship. He also says he doesn’t want to get married right now because he’s too focused on his work. What should I do? I’m almost 30 and want to get married soon.
Tammy, 27, FL
Nickie: Ladies, would you please listen to men when they’re trying to be honest with you? If you’re looking for a serious relationship and he’s not, cut him off, especially since it seems like you’re falling for him. He’ll probably try to come back when he realizes he’s losing you, but unless something has drastically changed in his life, there’s no reason to think he’s suddenly ready to get serious.
If you want to get married, be smart. Don’t waste your time and don’t allow yourself to invest in a guy who doesn’t have the same goals; you risk getting attached. Spend your energy only on men who want a serious relationship. I know it’s hard to be so cut-and-dried about dating – but if you don’t look out for your own interests, who will?
Evan: Not to pimp the well-worn, dime-thin philosophy of “He’s Just Not That Into You,” but honestly, Tammy…he TOLD you he’s not interested in having a serious relationship. Which part of that was unclear? It doesn’t matter what kind of catch he is – he’s made it known that there’s no future. You now have two choices: stick around in a dead-end relationship because it’s fun having a cute, successful guy in your life, or break it off and invest your energy in finding a man who could be The One. I can assure you that The One won’t let his work schedule get in the way of your future.
Dear Nickie and Evan,
I met a girl on JDate and we’ve been dating casually but regularly. I just saw that she’s still logging onto the site. A lot. Should I say anything to her about this?
Steve, 29, Potomac, MD
Nickie: 1) Are you in a committed relationship with her? 2) Are you still using the site to meet other girls? (I would assume so, as how else would you know she’s still using the site? You’re not spying on her, are you?) Seriously, you should ask her about it. But realize that unless you’re ready to get serious, there’s no reason for her to stop using the site. Once you are in a committed relationship, it’s disrespectful for either of you to use the site. And if you are committed but she tells you she doesn’t want to take her profile down, dump her.
Evan: Funny how this medium works, isn’t it? Everyone becomes the kid in the candy store, browsing the bins for the latest, sweetest treat. But what happens when you’ve found the one dish that makes you want to leave all the others behind? This is the $64,000 question and it cuts to the nature of the medium itself. At JDate there is more choice and variety in one place than ever before and because of that, people often become less willing to commit. Doesn’t mean they’re bad, doesn’t mean they’re “players,” just means that they’re keeping their options open until both agree to take their profiles down. If I were you, I’d volunteer to take down mine first without asking her to do the same. This indicates a willingness to commit without putting any pressure on her. If she likes you, she’ll do the same. If she doesn’t, she’ll probably feel guilty about cutting off your options and tell you to stay up on the site. Either way, you’ll have your answer.
Evan Marc Katz is the editor of JMag and the CEO of E-Cyrano.com. His second book, Why You’re Still Single: Things Your Friends Would Tell You If You Promised Not to Get Mad, will be in bookstores in June. Visit his website at www.evanmarckatz.com.