Comments on: Hello, I Love You, Won’t You Tell Me Your Name?

By: Deb

Deb — Wed, 07 Apr 2010 06:19:19 +0000

I like this article quite a bit. And I don’t think pointing out the obvious is a bad idea considering many of the men who have contacted me.

I can’t tell you how many “Your Hot” flirts I have received! Not only do I not respond to these, I don’t even open them!

By: Marie

Marie — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 03:39:39 +0000

I know this is very late to the conversation, but I just have to reply to Casey here. When I get a “form letter” like yours, I always cringe a little bit. Why are you giving me a bio when it’s right in your profile? Girls will look at your photo and immediately decide whether or not to click on you and read your profile. (If you’re sharing something about yourself in response to something I wrote in MY profile, that’s totally different – and then clearly not a form letter.) I fully agree with showing a sense of humor, and with Brad’s advice about putting a fact or two in that shows you’ve read my profile…but leave it at that. One or two sentences at the most. If the girl is interested, she’ll reply and THEN you can start the detailed conversations.

By: Brad Berkowitz

Brad Berkowitz — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 21:59:32 +0000

Very good points above. In response to Casey, I have actually heard from over a dozen women who have received emails from guys that write, “You’re hot.” I will respectfully disagree with Casey about form letters. You will absolutely be called out. Girls always compare notes (as do guys) and if 2 friends get the same email, they will eliminate you. I totally agree with Casey about the humor aspect, girls love funny guys. You need to differentiate yourselves from “the competition”.

Joyce has made some very good points about photos. In a previous article, I make the same points. No photos with sunglasses. No photos with past boy/girlfriends. At least one body photo, and not from a distance. And, make sure you update photos periodically and keep them current and accurate. No high school graduation photos.

Katie, sounds like you have had some bad experiences. Keep your chin up. Not all guys will get cold feet. Take Arik’s advice and mine, “It only takes one.” You are weeding out the bad ones. You will eventually find the right one.

Look forward to comments on my next article due out by Monday.

Brad

By: Annette

Annette — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 21:06:48 +0000

Brad,

In advice for “susangange” and other people aound her age (67), please take into account:
most Jdate speed dating events don’t include that age bracket,
most of the Jdate trips are oriented towards a younger crowd,
and even the Matzo Balls’ write-ups explicitly state that they are for “young” (21-50) singles.

Remember, all of us will get to be older if we live long enough.

Thanks.

By: Joyce

Joyce — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 18:46:52 +0000

A few suggestions.

Men:

You do yourself a disservice when all your photos are of you in sunglases, hats, or so small that I can’t tell if it’s you or your dog. If you’re bald, be honest about it and ditch the baseball hat.

I really have no interest in a man who has his arms around a different woman in every shot. You look like a player — which is not a turn-on. If you’re with your daughter or sister, say so. If not, don’t use that photo.

And limit the shots that are so obviously meant to impress — next to a yacht, airplane, sports car, or glamorous woman.

Also, how about completing more of your profile. A profile with mostly blanks looks like you’re hiding key information.

Finally, how about spell checking what you write. No one I know is paying J Date to find an illiterate man. Put a little effort into your profile and you’ll derive better results.

By: Arik

Arik — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 04:26:35 +0000

And For Dating Guru (Mr. Berkowitz):

The correct conclusion of “Never use form letters. I have heard too many stories from people on JDate claiming that they and their friends have gotten the same exact email from the same guy”- is this- you know what does it mean? There is nothing wrong with the guy, trying to fish for a date, a possible mate; BUT there is something wrong with the women (I presume here you were referring to women complaint, almost certain) who see it as a game, and sit and compare notes between them, like in the 5th grade…
He may be looking and emailing many, but it will take only one to marry; and probably none of these complainers.

By: Katie

Katie — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 02:15:51 +0000

There are several men I have dated…from one week to 6 weeks…who seem to get on a “dating high.” They are crazy about me…introduce me to family…say things like “this is it,” and “I can see us living together,” althou I am the one trying to keep things going slow…and then…things start changing. I ask, all to knowing, what has changed? Things seem different. I get the same answer each time…”I got scared. Things are going too fast.” I’ve heard that at least 3-4 times. I’m going at an even pace, just start to like them, and then…poof, it’s over. What’s happening? Can someone tell me? I never call them. I never take them out of their routine. I never ask them for anything. What’s up?

By: Arik

Arik — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:55:13 +0000

Well, Ron
Don’t analyze it too much or chew on that; after all- you are dealing here with women, mostly Jewish women, and I assume of the USA, so a lot of those will come for the entertainment, the dinner, the drinks, and that’s about it; (and just as Mr. Brad Berkowits sited “if you pick up the tab, your woman friend probably come to your aid”…)… So- Nothing is wrong with you; I had the same experience; they come for a good meal and continue. Just keep trying; you may (?) find one human.

By: Barbara

Barbara — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 00:39:31 +0000

Great ideas! How about a book for women?? I’ll write it if I can keep it short!!

By: Casey

Casey — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 23:40:22 +0000

Brad,

I don’t mean to be rude or patronizing, but c’mon. The tips you give in your column are as obvious as it gets. Either you think pointing out the obvious makes a good column or you really believe the collective male membership of jdate actually needs to know that saying “you’re hot” isn’t appropriate. Personally, I have slightly more faith in the membership. I could be wrong.

Here are some tips that I, admittedly not an author of a book about dating, think might be a little more helpful:

1. Don’t just write something to demonstrate you’ve read the girl’s profile by picking out a little tidbit here or there. Actually read the profile from start to finish, digest it, and then, get this, be sincere. Trying to do what Brad suggests will only get you so far. If you don’t believe what’s coming out of your mouth and are only writing what you think she wants to hear, you’re going to get nowhere.

2. Don’t be afraid of form emails. I’m serious. Now, I’m not suggesting you copy and paste your email from girl to girl, but there are going to be portions of your emails that are exactly the same — namely, the portion where you talk about yourself a little bit. Why try to come up with ten different ways to make yourself sound interesting. Find one really good way and then ride that pony till she bucks you. For example, almost every one of my emails to jdate girls includes the following paragraph:

I’m Casey, and most people tell me I actually look like a Casey, which I’m fine with. It’s better than being told you look like a Nancy or a Seymour. A little more about me…I like sweet potatoes a lot but those little purple ones at Central Market make me nervous, especially since they’re called “fingerling” potatoes…they sound like something out of a Shel Silverstein poem. I’m a Houston native but tell people I’m from Austin because it sounds a little cooler. I have an unhealthy fear of moths…more so than any stinging bug out there…oh, and clearly I overuse ellipses. Okay, I don’t want to give away too many interesting facts…just yet.

That may sound silly or goofy or whatever, but it’s also unique and I use it every time…and you know what, it makes the ladies laugh, which brings me to point 3.

3. Make. Her. Laugh. And a really good way to do that is throw a little self-deprecating humor out there. She’ll like it. It demonstrates you’re not a cocky schmuck. It says you’re laid back enough to poke fun at yourself, especially in the intimidating environment of online dating. If you don’t have a sense of humor then…well, hell, if you don’t have a sense of humor, you’re in trouble. Why? Look at 20 profiles of women on jdate and tell me how many of them don’t want a man who can make the woman laugh.

4. Don’t worry about asking for a phone call. It’s 2009 (almost ’10). Ask to meet for a drink. You don’t know how your voice is going to sound to her on the phone and you don’t know how hers will sound to you. Plus, people just don’t like phone conversations much anymore. You have a much better chance hitting it out of the park by meeting in person. That’s where you plan to shine. The phone is risky, and if the ultimate goal is to meet the girl and convince her to see you more than once, skip the phone and suggest meeting for a cocktail or even a cup of coffee (or, heck, an ice cream cone! she’ll appreciate the sweetness and off-beat change of pace).

5. Finally, Brad is right about one thing: if she doesn’t respond or responds and says no thanks, then move on. Seriously. I know there’s a temptation to tell her off because it will make you feel better about all the other girls that have rejected you online and in person, but resist the temptation. Otherwise, you’ll regret it when the word gets out that you’re a creepster.

Those are my tips. I’m not saying Brad is completely wrong. I’m just saying he could’ve dug a little deeper.

Casey