Touchdowns, Turkey and the Thanksgiving Third Degree
It’s the busiest travel day of the year. Millions of Americans will be boarding planes and trains or piling into their cars with one thing on the mind: Thanksgiving – a day of touchdowns, turkey and talk. As you make your way through the crowded lines at the terminal and/or toll booths, you start to experience that uneasy and all too familiar feeling. And though you are heading home to be with family and friends for the holidays, the thought of it is already making your head spin.
Yep, if you’re a Jewish single, the pressures of going home can make you sick with anxiety. Because, no matter how much therapy you jammed into your schedule leading up to the big weekend, one can never be prepared for the probing questions, insolent comments and looks of pity that invariably come as a side order to the turkey.
So what to do when friends and family pop the questions while passing the stuffing? Rather than scream back or revert back to your teenage years, offer them a well thought out response.
Here are some canned answers to help you out:
Question 1: Is there a special someone we should know about that you’re hiding back at home?
Response: Sorry, I am not gay. I just have not found a partner who can make me as happy as I make myself. And if I were gay, I hope you’d dance at my wedding too.
Question 2: What are you waiting for? Maybe you’re just being too picky?
Response: Actually, most of my friends who married young are heading towards or are in the midst of divorce, so I’ve decided to skip my first marriage and wait for my trophy wife or sugar daddy.
Question 3: There must be something wrong, have you maybe fallen into a depression?
Response: No. Nor am I an alcoholic, workaholic or sex addict. The truth is I am just not ready to share the remote control or spoil my great dating life.
Question 4: Aren’t you worried you’re going to give your parents/grandparents a heart attack?
Response: We’re celebrating Thanksgiving. I’d appreciate it if you save the Jewish guilt for one of our religious holidays. Besides, my being single gives everyone something to live for.
Question 5: Have you considered seeing a professional matchmaker?
Response: If you pay Patti Stranger the 20k finder’s fee, I’ll sign up right now.
It may be the same scene, year after year – and is often a coming out party for new couples who have managed to find happiness no matter how absurd or hasty some of the romantic pairings seem to be. Despite your baby Israeli cousin who’s dating her 43 year old boss, or your not-yet-divorced brother’s new shiksa girlfriend, the fact that you have no news to report on the love front will be the top story. So learn how to spin it and always be sure to smile.