Bouncing Back After a Breakup
Breaking up appears to be the thing to do in February. Up until now, I was under the impression that January was the most popular time of year to get booted, but judging by the number of written queries and calls I have received from hearts heavy and broken in the last couple of weeks, lovelorn singles seem to be trending this month.
Perhaps it’s something in the air that triggers the breakup; the faint and not so distant smell of Spring, and the promise of potential new flings. Another factor contributing to ended relationships could be that the honeymoon period is winding down for all those who hooked-up during the pre-holiday Hanukah season. And of course, there is always the post Valentine’s Day relationship reality check, which sets off the flight and/or fear syndrome for some.
The dark and dreary dumpsters are not fun places to be and it’s easy to get sucked into a deep hole of self-pity, doubt and sadness. But, you do not have to let a breakup break you! You can start by following this recovery plan:
Give Yourself a Timeline: You can choose to booze it up or binge your way through misery, but you’ll only wake up hung over and a few pounds heavier. Eventually, the sadness after a split will creep up on you, so you need to give yourself permission to feel the pain, shock and anger of the loss. Coping is different for everyone – some people cry while others need to let out their anger physically. So, give yourself a timeline to do whatever feels right to you but promise to stop moping (or hoping for a reunion) by a certain date, and then stick to that commitment.
Don’t Relinquish Your Power: Everyone’s got baggage… Some people walk around with fancy Birkin bags, while others prefer to carry backpacks, but we all have similar “shtick” inside. Before you let someone else’s hurtful comments, unforgiveable transgressions or sudden change of heart make you question yourself, carefully consider the source. Chances are your ex has issues of his/her own that precipitated the split which, once you take the time to recognize and assess them, will keep you from doubting yourself. It has been said by others before, that resentment means letting someone live rent-free inside your head. Learn from the relationship, and use what you have learned to empower you in your future relationships.
Remember, There’s No Convincing: Once someone makes the decision to move on, there’s no selling them on a relationship that they don’t think is right for them. Those long winded emails or late night (house) calls may make you feel better, but they will not bring your ex back into your arms for longer than a night. So, step away from the computer, do away with the cell phone and don’t try to get inside that person’s heart, head or bed thinking you can persuade them into being with you. If they want to come back to you, you trying to overtly force the issue can be counterproductive. Handle yourself with poise and if a reconnection is meant to be, it will happen.
Concessions Are Also Not Acceptable: Choose to believe the reality or not, but it can be just as hard for the dumper to end things as it is for the person on the receiving end. They may tell you that they are confused, uncertain or in a “bad place,” when in reality they are just trying not to hurt you. So, do not reinterpret their intentions, even if you think they are making a mistake. Trying to rescue them or resuscitate a romance by conceding to a break or slowing things down may only delay the inevitable and put you in a more uncertain place.
The good news of course is that if you have stumbled upon this article, you have taken the first step to getting your love life back in order by joining JDate. Go ahead, do the online dating thing, but remember to take it slow so you are dating on your terms, and not just getting caught on the rebound!
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