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Persistence vs. Stalking – Where to Draw the Line

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I always say that there is a fine line between confidence and cockiness. Confidence is knowing what you have to do and cockiness is knowing what you can do. Similarly, there is a fine line between persistence and cyber stalking. However, how does one know when they have crossed that line?

Persistence is a good thing in life. They say that winners never quit and quitters never win. There is no such thing as luck. Instead, those that work hard and are diligent make their own luck. But when it comes to pursuing a woman, an overly persistent guy can be seen as a cyber stalker. Where do we draw the line?

When a guy sees an attractive woman’s photo on JDate, he should read her entire profile first before contacting her. Most guys will contact a woman regardless of what she says in her profile. In fact, many guys just write foolish things such as “You’re hot” or “I think you are beautiful”. Nothing will turn off a woman more than when a guy contacts her without reading her profile.

Instead, a guy should write her a nice note and mention some things in her profile that they have in common. Perhaps she mentions she likes sports or movies. A guy’s initial letter to her should somehow reference that.

Once the letter is sent, a guy should wait to hear back. Many guys give up right then and there while others bombard the woman with incessant emails with each letter being more vicious than the previous one. It might even get to a point where a guy finally writes “You aren’t as hot as you think you are!” or something even crueler.

What does a guy gain by doing something like that? He makes an ass of himself by harassing her. She may have a friend that this guy has contacted as well that might have been interested in him, but once the harassed woman tells her friend the story, she won’t respond. There is nothing to be gained by writing too many emails and everything to be lost. A bad reputation is tough to overcome.

Instead, feel free to give it a second shot a couple of weeks later. In the subsequent email, once again point out your similarities and common interests. You might want to preface the email by stating that she might not have gotten the first email and was hoping that she would read your profile.

If she fails to respond, move on. Anything sent to her after this second email will be harassment. Trust me, she received the email or just deleted it because she wasn’t interested. Move on. Maintain your self respect. Harassing her or writing vicious emails to her because she didn’t respond makes you a cyber stalker.

Remember the email Golden Rule. Assume that anything you write in an email will be read by other people as well as the intended recipient. Would you want other girls to read your venom and think poorly of you? Of course not.

After being a bachelor for many years and counseling his friends about dating, Brad Berkowitz, who is now a JDate Success Story, decided to write the book, The 21st Century Guide to Bachelorhood: Lessons Learned Over 20 Years, to help other men navigate the dating scene. To purchase the book, click here! For more articles by Brad, click here.
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5 Comments »

  • Carole says:

    This is really great advice. It’s an absolute TURN OFF when I get an email from someone who obviously has not bothered to read my profile and says something like “You’re sooooo HOT.” It’s also difficult when some one emails me and when I look at his profile, there’s nothing there! While I always remember that behind these profiles and emails is a human being and reply politely, I’ve received some very nasty responses to my Thanks but No Thanks.I am sorry you will no longer be on Jdate because I think you give really got advice to men. The problem is those who need it probably don’t read it.

  • Brad Berkowitz says:

    Laura, thank you very much for the nice comment. My contract runs out after my August article. I hope you enjoy my final article.

  • Laura says:

    I always enjoy your articles and have learned a lot by reading them. I don’t like the numerous useless cooking articles or the stupid bubble gum ones from the matchmaker daughter. You are always on point and tell it like it is. Keep up the good work.

  • Marci says:

    Thanks for your absolutely on-point articles! I completely agree with the advice you gave above. If I ignore, I’m not interested. I never respond to generic flirts. Right or wrong, I assume the guy didn’t bother to read my profile or couldn’t think of anything witty to say. Clever banter is a huge turn-on!

    On that note, I would love an article from you on the somewhat touchy subject of finding a good intellectual match. Though I’ve enjoyed my J-Date experience so far this past year (separated 14 months after a 16 year marriage), the candidate pool seems paltry for highly educated women. I’m approached by three types: MUCH younger men, MUCH older men who might otherwise have been a good intellectual match for me, or men in my age range (early 40′s) with far less education or — alternatively — passion/curiosity/sharp wit. It’s been fun, but I’m doubting I will find a real match this way . . .

    Thanks for any advice.
    Marci

  • Larry says:

    Dude, you are a very straight shooter. I enjoy your articles very much. I always go to the advice section, but all I see are stupid cooking articles. And WAY too many of them. What does THAT have to do with Jdate. Nothing. Your articles hit the bullseye every time. I look forward to your next one.

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