STILL HOT, WHY NOT?
There are many kinds of constipation. One is called HSCI. This stands for Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out.
What is it with men my age? I met a man. We had a drink. We liked each other. He paid the tab, we held out our hands to shake—and on that handshake, he pulled me into him, and he kissed me.
Kissed me!!!!! You gotta understand. I’m 63. True, I look years younger and have the drive and energy of a Much Younger Woman (that is, before 9 at night) but still, how rare is it to get unexpectedly kissed in a bar by an attractive man? Age, wisdom, scarcity of men, and my own (thank God) lessening Drive make such moments a thing of the past. I felt all the surprise and sweet rush of a teenager.
So, I got really happy. And, it seems, so did he. Because, although he had recently moved to the Hamptons for the winter to write a book, he vigorously emailed me and called me, one two three times a week and, of course, I expected to see him again. True, he was out on Long Island, but I’m not that far away. Of course he’d suggest a date i.e. a time and place to see each other again.
Now, I can hear my brave and bold sisters asking “Why didn’t you ask him out, we don’t have to wait…” This deserves its own column but, truth be told, I did ask to see him. Twice. That’s my limit, girlfriends. Both times, he had 100% valid reasons that he couldn’t make the date; and both times, he did not come back with an alternate proposal.
Bad manners? Or maybe even the dread toy-with-women syndrome. Or maybe he wishes he had his own twin Goddesses at home. I should’ve dropped the guy, right? Right, but you see: I had hopes for him. Hopes. Hopes are good. He was right for me in so many ways. And then there were his emails; long chatty missives with plenty of references to time spent together:
I wish you were here so we could talk in a relaxed way and maybe take a walk.
I think about kissing you a lot.
There’s a great beach near here and I’d love to hold hands with you and walk there.
Finally, I raised the issue. I asked about being asked out. And here is his reply in an email:
Yes, an actual date. Which I am now formally asking you on. Would you like to go out? I will try to figure out when. As I said, I’m leaving for Cape Cod Tuesday and will probably stay through the weekend. But I’m not entirely sure. We might be better off to schedule something for sure when you return. Which is December 15th, right?
Does anybody see an actual Date in there??????????? Because I read it over eight times, and all I could find was a lot of michigos.
So there you have it, ladies and gents. A textbook case of HCSI–The Hemming-Humming Shuffling-Shiffling Chickens**t Inability of Men My Age to Ask Girls Out. Next time you’re on the phone with a JDate guy, and it’s going well, and comes to that moment when (pause) the guy should say, So, would you like to have a coffee this weekend? and he doesn’t, shriek HSCI!!! at the top of your lungs, hang up, and hope the fire department heard you and they’ll send over some men.
Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; a single mom and grandmother of five exceptional children.Email this post