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After seven years, still no luck. What am I doing wrong?

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Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:

I have been on JDate for a very long time — 7 years. I am a single father with 2 kids; my son lives with me, and my daughter lives with her mom.

I once had in my profile saying that I wear two hearing aids, but it seemed like it scared a lot of woman away, so I took it off. But maybe the problem is that I am separated. I am in the process of getting a Jewish get (divorce). I had a rough marriage that finally ended in February 2010 with a separation agreement.

I have been looking for someone with similar interests, but I have had no luck at all. I’ve been changing my profile details to try and get some good attention, but it seems it isn’t working.

What am I doing wrong?

– Wants to Be Happy Again

Dear Wants To Be Happy:

I would be surprised if anyone dismissed you as a potential partner because of something so simple as hearing aids. They are not a big deal, or very different from eye glasses, which virtually everyone has these days. I also doubt that your lack of a get has been the issue either. I think gets are great things to have because they can help a couple find closure in the ending of their relationship. But very few Jews outside the Orthodox world are concerned with them, so I don’t think it has been a problem for the women you have contacted.

I must admit, I am confused about one point. If you have only been legally separated for one year, how is it you have been dating on Jdate for 7 years? You were doing online dating while you were married!?

Even if you were physically (but not legally) separated during all these years, I suspect it is here that you have your answer. If you’ve been in a painful and difficult separation process for the past half decade, any person you may have encountered dating probably went running in the opposite direction. Why would someone start a romantic relationship with you, if you are still emotionally / physically / financially tied up with another person?

I hope you can find an amicable end to your marriage as soon as possible. It sounds like it is a long time in coming and has been a great source of pain. If possible, please consider finding a good professional therapist near you, who can help you process all you have been through. Once you have done this, and have found a way to feel joy and happiness in your own independent life, you are more likely to attract the kind of mate you are looking for.

– The Matchmaker Rabbi

To ask The Matchmaker Rabbi a question, please email myrabbi@jdate.com.

 Joysa Winter, aka The Matchmaker Rabbi, knows all about how hard it is to find lasting love. It took her 17 years to find Mr. Not Wrong! In that time, she tried just about every singles site, dating club and Matzah Ball known to humanity. Now a rabbinical student and the mother of 2 young kids, nothing brings her greater joy than officiating a wedding. She is finishing a book on her dating misadventures called Chasing Cupid, Tales of Dating Disaster in Jewish Suburbia. Read more about it at www.chasingcupid.com

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3 Comments »

  • AlphaKid42 says:

    I understand your situation. In my view, JDate success depends primarily on your location and your requirements for a match. I suspect the dating pool is pretty limited when compared with match.com and eHarmony, so it’s quite possible there are few single women in your geography.

    You’ll probably not find a woman under 40 on any site, who is willing to date you with a son present. Young women generally doesn’t want to deal with sons and your ex. Women under 40 want their own kids, so look from 40 through your age, perhaps for someone with children. The more flexible you are about your requirements, the easier it will be to find a match.

    As for the hearing aides, if they don’t interfere materially with your life, then it will come up soon enough. For anything you think likely to change the way a mate might feel about you, you must disclose to avoid lieing by omission. I suspect these devices won’t change anything in that regard, and it makes no sense to put them in your profile and cast yourself as a disabled person. Doing that says it is a major issue in my life and my mate will have to deal with it. Is it?

  • markos tierney says:

    shalom manishma? happy chanukah im markos the greek

  • AAJew says:

    Hi! I am an African-American, Jewish female on JDate. I am attractive, intelligent, well-educated, cultural diverse, fun, and open to different ethnic groups, age ranges, religious affiliations (reform, conservative, orthodox, etc) … yet, men do not accept or initiate communication with me. I would prefer to have a relationship with a Jewish man, but i have not had much luck on the Jewish websites. Any input/direction is welcomed.

    Thank you,
    AAJF

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