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The guy lied. How do I move on?

Submitted by 5 Comments

Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:

I recently stopped dating a man I met on JDate. He pursued me very actively for months and then just decided he wasn’t over his marriage enough to be in a relationship. It turns out that, although his profile said he was divorced, he is not and the divorce is very contentious with cruelty on both sides.

Logically, I know that it is best to separate myself from this man. But I developed feelings in the process and am feeling very hurt, not to mention foolish. At least I was able to tell him that we were just in completely different places emotionally. I want to re-marry and to have a committed relationship. But now am so afraid. What do you recommend?  

– Hurt in Houston

Dear Hurt:

I don’t blame you for feeling hurt but, please, try not to feel foolish. A fool is someone who ignores the truth, but this guy flat-out lied to you. The only “mistake” you made is entering this relationship with an open and vulnerable heart, and that isn’t a mistake at all — it’s courageous, and the only way to find lasting love with someone.

The only thing that heals hurt and disappointment is time and distance. Spend some quality time with people who love, support and appreciate you, and try not to give this jerk another thought. One way of looking at it is like this: He has hurt you X amount because of what he has done. Every month, day and hour longer you dwell on what he did, you are handing him that much more power. Don’t be hurt — be indignant!

If it makes you feel any better, I was once dumped by a guy only a few weeks into our relationship — and he had pursued me for an entire year. After we started dating, he decided he couldn’t deal with my cats. Of course, he knew I had cats the whole year he was pursuing me, so go figure!

– The Matchmaker Rabbi

Joysa Winter, aka The Matchmaker Rabbi, knows all about how hard it is to find lasting love. It took her 17 years to find Mr. Not Wrong! In that time, she tried just about every singles site, dating club and Matzah Ball known to humanity. Now a rabbinical student and the mother of 2 young kids, nothing brings her greater joy than officiating a wedding. She is finishing a book on her dating misadventures called Chasing Cupid, Tales of Dating Disaster in Jewish Suburbia. Read more about it at www.chasingcupid.com.
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5 Comments »

  • AlphaKid42 says:

    I realize this sounds uncaring and simplistic, but if you want to leave him, just walk away. It hurts like Hell, but do it. There are other men who aren’t flakes and you need to teach people how to treat you, so don’t accept it. Leave.

    On marriage, in my view, the only legit reasons to get married in this day and age are if you are religious, or you want the legal protections of being family, such as hospital visitation rights, tax stuff, and inheritence.

    If you do get married, sign a prenuptual agreement. This is essential to protect you and your spouse from financial ruin. If either of you have a car accident in which someone is seriously injured, it will only ruin one of you, not both of you.

    If you are already married, sign a post-nuptual agreement, to protect you going forward. Do not delay. This is the best advice you will ever get.

  • Mike says:

    To Karen,

    You asked a question and I am going to give you a mature man’s perspective. You put a major obstacle in your way and you are not being realistic. Understanding the importance in this time period (2011) of divorce and the horrendous emotional conflict and expense. So living together for at least a year while keeping your separate residence is imperative to the success or failure of eventual marriage. Divorced or widowed men are not likely to want to submit themselves to the prospect of divorce nor giving their money to you. You either get your head into a man’s head or stay where you are and continue what you have been doing. Romance without considering reality of the time is foolish. Men may do stupid things but that doesn’t mean men are stupid. Most men 50 plus would prefer to be married but they will not risk another divorce. Women’s expectations now are different then their grandmother’s who were married for life and who understood that; ‘happiness is contentment’. Now modern women have a different concept of happiness. And furthermore middle aged plus women sex drives are stronger then middle age plus men. Lastly, most middle aged plus men would like a committed relationship but will not even risk living together without having separate residences and shared expenses. Most modern women want equality except when it comes to shared expenses. More women now are making more money or have more money at retirement then men. The obstacle of sharing expenses is what keeps most middle aged plus women dateless or just getting rare dates. A good man would rather be alone then be with a woman who expects a man to pay for everything!

  • Shayna says:

    I am a divorced middle aged woman who finds issues with both opinions.

    Massoud

    I rushed into a marriage after only knowing my husband for a few months. We got engaged after 2 months of dating and married 6 months after we were engaged. It’s pretty challenging to know a person well enough to be married in 8 months. I didn’t say impossible, but challenging nonetheless. From this experience, I do not want to rush into another marriage regardless of how right it may feel early on. I wouldn’t want to marry a man after dating him a few months, but I would want to know if the relationship has potential for moving to another level.

    With that said, I don’t want to spend years dating a man only to wind up living together. I want to marry again and I want to date men who want to marry also. If marriage isn’t what you want, you should be clear about that with the women you are dating. Many men aren’t clear about what they want in the beginning of a relationship. They say that they would like to get married again, but suddenly realize after several months into the relationship that they don’t want to be in a committed relationship. You don’t have to want marriage, just be honest about it.

    Karen

    It’s tempting to join forces and agree with you, but I don’t entirely. Men our age date younger women partially for this reason: they don’t want the pressure. In my experience of dating middle age divorced men, I would say that many of them do not want to marry again. Some do, but many don’t because they have families to support and they can’t handle taking on anymore responsibility. They generally don’t want to have more children and usually have a pain-in-the-a** ex-wife. In all fairness, why would they want to get married again, especially if the first time around wasn’t so hot? I can see how living together suits their needs quite well. Like many women, you say you want to feel safe, protected and respected. I hate to break it to you, but a piece of paper isn’t going to do that for you. Building a relationship first with trust, honesty and mutual respect will. It sounds more like you want security and men at any age do not find that attractive.

    The key of success in any relationship is clearly stating your needs from the beginning. Whether it’s sex with no strings attached or the safety and security of being married, I believe that a person should pursue what it is they want in life. Just be honest.

  • Karen says:

    Massoud

    I am a divorced middle aged woman and though I can only speak for myself, I would tell you this: I want to be married because in order to feel safe, protected, and respected, I need that piece of paper and the declaration in front of friends and family.

    Men ask me why living together is not enough. They state that being married is no guarantee that either partner will be faithful, or that the act of marriage will cause more commitment. One man has put on his JDate profile that he is looking for love and sex with no strings attached–as though he was advertising that fact to attract women. As a woman I find those strings attractive and sexy.

    Many people say a man’s sex drive is stronger than a woman’s. What you may not understand is, a woman’s need for commitment,safety, and marriage is equally as compelling to her as a man’s drive for sex.

    Does anybody agree or disagree with my take on this subject?

  • Massoud says:

    I am a divorce middle aged man,would like to ask why most women want to get married in a Relationship after few months.
    Why can’t we
    live together until we could learn from each other our intention in relation.almost 99.9% of tureth.

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