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Still Hot, Why Not?

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OH NO, NEW YEAR’S EVE!

Once upon a time, there was a very pretty woman.  She got invited to parties on New Year’s Eve.   She invited her friends, and they went as a pack.  They roamed from party to party.  They got seriously lit, found an all-night diner on Second Avenue and drank coffee, talking of things large and small, and medium.   At dawn, they wandered home, stopping perchance to kiss.

I was that woman.  I am still that woman.  At least, I feel like that woman.  What has changed?  What has changed?  I’ll tell you what has changed.  I have nothing to do New Year’s Eve!!!

Is this easy to admit?  No.  I only tell you because I want your sympathy, and possibly an invitation.  It’s humiliating.  People are quick to judge.  When I told my (married) friend Karen, she said, “Oh my God, you might as well plaster an L on your forehead.”  She made one of those annoying buzzer sounds and added, “Loser!”

As a person who leads the examined life, I must ask myself:  WHY THE FIRETRUCK DON’T I HAVE ANY FRICKIN’ THING TO DO NEW YEAR’S EVE?!?!?!?  I am popular.  I have friends.  I go out.  Hey, stop with the annoying buzzer sound: Really, I do.  So what is up with the big fat blank on my dance card?

One.  I am middle-aged or possibly even older, depending on how you define middle-age.  I define it as the Rest of Your Life Past 40.  People who are middle-aged do not give parties.  They do give parties.  But their parties are sedate talky affairs, where everybody sits around in comfortable shoes and has a glass of wine.  And, they take place on New Year’s Day.

Two.  I am female.  I know I know it is so passé, so done, overdone even, to bitch and/or moan about being a woman in a man’s New Year’s Eve world, yet, the fact is this.  If I were an equivalently desirable guy, I’d have 99 party invitations.  Why?  Desirable middle-aged men are scarce as pink panties on a hockey player.  Why?  Ask the Amazon Queen who has stocked her entire planet with kidnapped middle-aged men from Earth.  (That’s one theory.)

I’ll do what I did last year.  Man up, and spend the Eve by myself, watching TV.  I’ll open a bottle of champagne, and toast myself.   When the ball drops, I’ll give myself a kiss.  Then, I’ll open the window, and throw myself out.  When I hit the ground, making an annoying buzzer sound, I’ll spot a party going on, across the street.  Wiping the L for Loser from my brow, I’ll collect my Loser girlfriends, and go.

Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; and former ghost writer for the Emily Post Institute. She is the mother of two brilliant sons and five exceptional grandchildren.

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9 Comments »

  • Alicia says:

    I can relate to everything Diana said. I am only divorced for a year and I was afraid I might feel down. Most all of my friends are married and those who aren’t live far away. I don’t have children either so I am truly reinventing myself on a personal level, and cultivating new friendships. So to preemp feeling down, I made a party at my house and invited my family. It also happened to be my Mom’s 86th birthday the same weekend so it was a good excuse. But the day I stop feeling like a loser is the day I know I will be truly be at peace with myself and genuinly comfortable in my own skin. It’s a process and I’m still workig on learning to enjoy my own company. It does help to talk about it and to know I’m not alone. Thanks for posting!!–Alicia

  • Steve says:

    Yes, I am a middle-aged man (or maybe a bit beyond being 52), and I was alone on New Year’s Eve. I really did not mind. I drove (and then picked up) my teenage daughter as she attended a New Year’s Eve party. I really did not mind. I guess it is how you think of it. I have never been one to worry about what others are doing. If in the next 12 months you (or I) find someone wonderful, I am sure we will have something to do on New Year’s Eve next year. If we do not find that someone, then we will wait until he or she comes along. I find that patience usually wins out in the end.

    Here’s my wish for a successful and cuddly 2012 for Diana and the rest of us singles out there.

  • Mike says:

    Addendum to prior message to Diana Amsterdam:
    New Years Eve is just another night. Chanukah just ended and since this is a jdate site I have to mention how pathetic it is that most Jews are ignorant of the history of Chanukah which is the MACCABEES victory and destruction of the Hellenist Jews and Hellenists in Israel and Cleansing and Rededication of the TEMPLE on the TEMPLE MOUNT. SO a New Year’s Eve date has relevance only to very shallow Jews which there are so many.

  • Mike says:

    You’re pretending; the same as most other middle aged plus plus women do that they are not their real age but at least you recognize the reality of New Year’s Eve for the majority of aging women. The thing you seem to be in delusion about is: “If I were an equivalently desirable guy, I’d have 99 party invitations.”; as that is utter nonsense as men are in the same predicament as women on New Year’s Eve and every other EVE! Of course if women would change their absurd dating concepts (and return to the reality of their Grandmothers) on sites like jdate then they might have dates, including New Year’s Eve. Their Grandmothers always had a New Year’s Eve date and dates on every other EVE!

  • KHB says:

    Another “dead on” assessment by you, Diana, with “dead”, not being the operative word here. We are NOT dead because we have no dates, but rather very much alive- just smart enough not to have settled for the easy way out-being forced to kiss someone as the ball, along with our pride, drops, for having settled, just to have the coveted NEW YEAR’S EVE DATE!!
    Those of us over 50 have celebrated enough NYE’s to have experienced that several times over I imagine. Whether we are 15, 22, or 52(with many relationships under our belts, or thongs as the case may be) the feeling of desperation and disappointment in ourselves for falling prey to this artificially essential date night, is just as keen.
    Be strong, fellow SHYN’ ers…..keep your pride as 2011 turns to 2012, and if you have to settle, settle for a pint of some sinful Ben&Jerry’s concoction and the only disappointment you’ll have is when you step on the scale the next morning!
    Happy New Year everyone!

  • bobbie braun says:

    i say follow the rules
    1…dont get too loaded or you could wind up drunk dialing the last bad date you managed to score..low hanging fruit doesnt mean well hung
    2… get loaded and drunk dial anyone you see fit all your single friends are doing it just dont call them. save the whining and crying
    for the costume party you miss at purim
    3… remember when you are over fifty ahem maybe almost 60, most of the crowd celebrates New Years when london does and they’re asleep anyway.
    4 enjoy life everyday. live with love, compassion, and a good sense of humor. wishing all a good new year (hey we’re lucky! we get to celebrate two)

  • Thanks Kippah Guy, but Losers usually don’t like to seek out our own kind! We’d rather be alone! lol Happy New Year!

    And Suzen,

    Honestly, don’t spend NY Eve alone, I agree with your daughter! Here is a place to find great things to do! Happy New Year!

    http://www.eventbrite.com/

    Diana

  • Suzen says:

    LOL- lets spend it together Diana! I have strict instructions from my 24 year old daughter to absolutely not spend new years eve alone–that SHE wouldn’t be able to take it. hmmmmmm….

  • Kippah Guy says:

    Try this instead of a party, or try it at a party, or make it the focal point of party:

    Get on JDate sometime before and after midnight, and know that you will have lined up before you the absolutely lowest hanging fruit, the most target rich environment.

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