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Still Hot, Why Not?

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Are Older Women More Casual About Sex?


This is big news. When we were younger, my girlfriends and I wanted emotional intimacy. When we had sex, we wanted a relationship, a bond, regularity (sorry, I’m switching to BMs)—regular and dependable connection. As the man left our bed and pulled on his underpants, which we could see at a glance needed some bleach, we wanted to scream out, “Will I see you again? Will you call? Will you marry me?” (Okay, maybe this last is just me.)

What a drag. I mean, really. Those small orbs, with their primitive desire for home, hearth, paycheck, control our lives! Not credit cards—I am referring to the female egg (is there any other kind?) Our eggs control us, ladies. They want to make babies, so blah blah blah.

Then, blessedly, there comes a day when the last egg sails off to Egg-in-the-Sky Land, and if you’re picturing a cloud in the shape of an omelette, yes! And we, as a gender, are free. Free to have sex without falling in love! Free to roam, savor, and sample!

And we do. Women P.E. (Post Egg) are going on singles cruises and getting (censor beep) and coming home and not waiting for the phone to ring! Women P.E. are sleeping with younger men and not wanting to talk afterwards, which is good because really, what can you say to a 25-year-old? Women P.E. are warning men: Don’t get serious about me! I just want to have fun!

I’m not there yet. Having recently evolved out of a five-year engagement during which I returned not one, but two rings to the pirate, I am still stuck in Sex=Love. I’m working on it. Why?

If Sex must equal Love, I may never (censor beep) again. That would be bad for my heart, blood pressure, immune system, and pelvic floor muscles. I would suffer more stress, pain, and insomnia. I would have lower self-esteem and greater likelihood of obesity. Google “Health Benefits Sex.”

And so, for the sake of my health, I called a man with whom I had a brief but deep connection—someone I was falling in love with, once.  I shall call him Jedi. (His real name is Irving). Cutting to the chase, I told him I was hoping to use him for sex.

“Wow!” Jedi exulted, “We’re going to do what the young people do! Friends with Benefits!”

I went to bed happy and excited. Yes! I was going to enter the hallowed realm of shallow sex!!! Finally!

As I fell asleep, though, I found myself wondering why he hadn’t fallen in love with me. And why had that married friend of his said, “I don’t see you two together.” There’s always some beotch who wants to put the kibosh on a new relationship. Maybe she secretly likes him? I found myself wondering if he would have loved me if my legs were long and my neck less like a hen’s waddle? I found myself deciding to lose weight before we met up for our sex date. I found myself saying to myself, “This time, he’ll realize he loves me and…”

And right then and there, I knew. I’m not ready for casual sex. Okay.   Fact is, I can’t afford to be going on singles cruises.  And what can you say to a 25-year old?

Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; and former ghost writer for the Emily Post Institute. She is the mother of two brilliant sons and five exceptional grandchildren.
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  • seizHeape says:

    I wanted to be familiar with what can workers a bee in single’s animation so that’s about it not who could not offer an exact answer.

  • Lara18 says:

    This subject is always relevant and I feel compelled to respond. Women and men are different, we don’t even speak the same language. Most men are primarily focused on and content with S, S & F ~ sleep, sex & food. A woman who provides him with the 3 can have his attention for little else. Women require much more. Where a man can have sex without emotional attachment, few women can. The more times a woman has intercourse with a man, the more certain of her hormones are stimulated, making her THINK she is falling in love with him. Those of us who recognize that we are emotionally closed, perhaps after a long marriage that broke up & literally broke our hearts, are more likely to be able to sustain a relationship known as “friends with benefits.” My best (male) friend and I have been in an intimate relationship for a year, which for me is helping me heal from my broken marriage, long divorce process and realization that moving on is difficult. I love my best fwb but am not in love with him because I cannot, yet open myself emotionally to another. I believe he, too is in this state. itwworks for me, now. If I get to a point where I want or need love, romance, in my life, I will tell him. And vice versa. And we can then discuss the issue. Communication is key.

  • Mary says:

    Interestingly enough, my Uncle, who is now in his mid-70s and widowed, visited me this past Fall in NYC, and asked me if I thought that maybe it could get easier to have noncommittal sex as one gets older. I gathered that this was something he was looking for and that he was hoping to hear me say: “Sure, Uncle Richard, no problem”. Perhaps, with some people that is the case, as priorities change, but with others, it is not something that will ever be possible for them, given their personalities. In general, I am not able to have casual sex with someone that I really like and want a real relationship with; I have only been able to do it, a few times, with men that I was merely physically attracted to but did not have the desire for a substantive relationship because the emotional chemistry was lacking.

  • Dave says:

    Ruth, my profile screen name is DNBS. Yours? :)

  • Ruth says:

    Hey Dave,

    I found some of what you said quite interesting. As an older woman, I’m interested in ideas as well as appearances. I’d love to see your profile!

  • Mitch says:

    I think for men sex does not equal love. Sex with love is better. Sure! But clearly if Elizabeth Hurley was being left at home for some crack whore, it is clear that sex and love or even good taste have little to do with it. For men sex is just sex. However good men figure out how to control their interest in having sex with every woman he finds at all attractive that will take him. Some men just can’t help themselves. There was an interesting article in The Atlantic a few months ago called “What me Marry” and it talks about woman not being interested in marrying and that they are all chasing the same guys who are essentially “players.” I find the experience on line to reinforce that. I am shocked at how few women will open my email or read my profile. And again I am shocked at how many woman that seem to be spectacular are on this site for years, have never been married or had kids. Maybe woman think that they should act like the men that cant control their urges. What a sad state of affairs. I think dating used to be about finding a spouse to raise a family. I was married for 22 years and was not my idea to end it. I miss it. Dating sucks. Marriage is so much better. And I would say that even without the alimony.

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