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Still Hot, Why Not?

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Are Older Women More Casual About Sex?

Yes.

This is big news. When we were younger, my girlfriends and I wanted emotional intimacy. When we had sex, we wanted a relationship, a bond, regularity (sorry, I’m switching to BMs)—regular and dependable connection. As the man left our bed and pulled on his underpants, which we could see at a glance needed some bleach, we wanted to scream out, “Will I see you again? Will you call? Will you marry me?” (Okay, maybe this last is just me.)

What a drag. I mean, really. Those small orbs, with their primitive desire for home, hearth, paycheck, control our lives! Not credit cards—I am referring to the female egg (is there any other kind?) Our eggs control us, ladies. They want to make babies, so blah blah blah.

Then, blessedly, there comes a day when the last egg sails off to Egg-in-the-Sky Land, and if you’re picturing a cloud in the shape of an omelette, yes! And we, as a gender, are free. Free to have sex without falling in love! Free to roam, savor, and sample!

And we do. Women P.E. (Post Egg) are going on singles cruises and getting (censor beep) and coming home and not waiting for the phone to ring! Women P.E. are sleeping with younger men and not wanting to talk afterwards, which is good because really, what can you say to a 25-year-old? Women P.E. are warning men: Don’t get serious about me! I just want to have fun!

I’m not there yet. Having recently evolved out of a five-year engagement during which I returned not one, but two rings to the pirate, I am still stuck in Sex=Love. I’m working on it. Why?

If Sex must equal Love, I may never (censor beep) again. That would be bad for my heart, blood pressure, immune system, and pelvic floor muscles. I would suffer more stress, pain, and insomnia. I would have lower self-esteem and greater likelihood of obesity. Google “Health Benefits Sex.”

And so, for the sake of my health, I called a man with whom I had a brief but deep connection—someone I was falling in love with, once.  I shall call him Jedi. (His real name is Irving). Cutting to the chase, I told him I was hoping to use him for sex.

“Wow!” Jedi exulted, “We’re going to do what the young people do! Friends with Benefits!”

I went to bed happy and excited. Yes! I was going to enter the hallowed realm of shallow sex!!! Finally!

As I fell asleep, though, I found myself wondering why he hadn’t fallen in love with me. And why had that married friend of his said, “I don’t see you two together.” There’s always some beotch who wants to put the kibosh on a new relationship. Maybe she secretly likes him? I found myself wondering if he would have loved me if my legs were long and my neck less like a hen’s waddle? I found myself deciding to lose weight before we met up for our sex date. I found myself saying to myself, “This time, he’ll realize he loves me and…”

And right then and there, I knew. I’m not ready for casual sex. Okay.   Fact is, I can’t afford to be going on singles cruises.  And what can you say to a 25-year old?

Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; and former ghost writer for the Emily Post Institute. She is the mother of two brilliant sons and five exceptional grandchildren.
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56 Comments »

  • Dave says:

    @Diana: People DO need help with profiles for sure.

    One woman I met from Jdate told me that she saw her ex-husband’s profile on Jdate and felt sorry for him because it was so awful.

    She called him and offered, if he was serious about meeting somebody, to re-write it for him and provide better pictures of him.

    You KNOW it’s a bad profile when your ex- takes pity on you. :)

  • Dave says:

    Irina,

    I was indeed bitter and resentful for some time about both relationships. But not for long, and not for a long time now. I certainly remember what happened clearly, but I genuinely wish both women well, as they now have to live with consequences of their choices that mutual friends told me about, without my asking.

    But with time and distance come both hindsight and insight. I can’t claim to be objective, by your standards, about my own situation because you are unfamiliar with me, with the women, and with the details of the situations.

    But I can assure you that both women made the choices they made, at the time they made them and later confided to mutual friends that they regretted their decisions. In no way was I projecting from any lingering resentment of my own.

    After each, I took time to NOT date. It was painful and lonely. But it gave me time to think, learn, and grow. Each time, I emerged ready to meet the right person, willing to take risk of getting hurt again, and more able to make good decisions regarding dating, with ever higher standards (instead of casting a wider net out of desperation). That’s evidence contrary to bitterness and resentment.

    Being happy alone, I’ve always thought, is better than being miserable in a relationship. People can take what I wrote as advice or not. But one benefit of being alone as long as I have is having had plenty of time for self-analysis. :)

  • Thank for your comments, everyone! I see that my column has provoked a lot of thinking and thank you for your candid viewpoints.

    @Irina–Older women (or as I call us P.E. Post-Egg) are living the best time of our lives, and many of us celebrate the wisdom, freedom, clarity and power that come with being (relatively) free of biology. If you read my column again, I think you’ll see that I am not, personally, capable of casual sex at the moment–as several men on JDate know! (But I appreciate your interest, 30somethings who write me.) Do I consider it a viable option for men and women of a certain age? Yes. I have girlfriends who have “been there, done that” when it comes to marriage and even love, and they have no interest whatsoever in another committed relationship. Men go crazy for them–the neverending challenge. Do I agree with you that sex-with-love is the best sex? Depends. You did the wild-girl thing, and now, you know that committed sex is what you want. But for many people who have had only committed sex, the experience of sex with a relative stranger can be wildly exciting.

    @Pat–I’m not going to say that looks don’t matter, and that good-looking people don’t have an easier time of it in the dating world. Of course we do!!! (Thanks for including me in that category!) I also know that on a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being the-toad-no-girl-wants-to-kiss and 10 being Ryan Gosling in Crazy, Stupid Love, you can go up at least 3 points by changing changeable things like demeanor, clothes, approach, speech, and vibe.

    This Date Makeover can start with your profile. I cannot tell you the number of men who put forth the most off-putting profile photos, for example. What can they be thinking? Obviously, they’re not aware that they’re turning women off, and the same can be said for a lot of what men do in person.

    As for women marrying handsome men: Huh? Most of my married girlfriends are married to very ordinary-looking men. They love them, though, so they see something different from what I do.

    Here’s a challenge: Send me your User Name. I guarantee I will find 3 things right off the bat that you can improve in your profile. If you’re willing, we can make the lesson public here on the site, and everybody will benefit. However, that may be a bit daunting. Or, we’ll do it privately–free. Just write me here and let me know you’re interested. Go for it.

  • Irina says:

    Dave.

    I absolutely agree to what you said about taking a break and finding our own happiness before expecting someone else to make us happy. I think it’s great that you have gone out to do soul searching.

    Although, one part of what you’ve said, makes me think that you are not quite over those two relationships you’ve mentioned in your post.
    When you talk about the two women you’ve dated you still seem to be a bit bitter and believe that it is them who made the wrong decisions and choices and you are their best marriage material.

    I think, when you are finally able to stop caring so much and just accepting these women’s decisions as the best solutions at the time for both you and them, it is only then that you will finally be able to move on in your life and be ready for new dates.

    Just a friendly suggestion :)
    Irina

  • Dave says:

    I frequently read in postings here, and in profiles, things like bitterness, jealousy, resentment, etc. Some explicit, some implicit.

    If one is feeling frustrated in dating, then take a break. Suspend your profile. Stop dating for a while, months, maybe a year. Take some time for yourself. Do some serious self-analysis about your experiences, current situation, etc. Then try living in the moment, feeling grateful for what you have, and being happy, even if not content.

    Potential mates want to be around happy people, not bitter, jealous, resentful people. You have to be happy on your own before you can be happy with somebody else in your life.

    Do I have all the answers? No. But I came close to marriage twice, before both women made bad decisions that they later regretted. Did I get hurt? Yes. So I stopped dating for a while. Did some self-examination. And I now feel grateful that neither relationship worked out.

    Neither woman would have come along for the journey that I’ve been on since then, I can easily say. One ended up marrying a man who proved to be highly untrustworthy, and she told a mutual friend that she “really blew it with Dave”.

    The other turned out to be a hypocrite (or perhaps just self-delusional) because she told me that she wanted to marry within Judaism because she “realized it was very important”, but neither her first husband (before dating me) nor her second husband (after dating me) was Jewish.

    I may not be content at this point in life, because I still want to meet somebody. And I still have down moments. But I am happy.

    You all can probably get there, too. But you have to want it, to allow it, to work for it. Yes, easier said than done. But if you never meet the right person, do you want to spend your whole life miserable, bitter, and unhappy?

    Happiness is a choice. Choose wisely.

  • Pat says:

    Diana, while your advice to Barry and Mike may be right in theory, how do you explain the fact that just about every stunning JDate bride in the Jdate Success Stories has a handsome husband? Also, from experience, you don’t have to be Einstein to know that the checklist of an unattractive, overweight lady is far less pickier than that of an attractive lady? Ladies say they are not looking for looks only, but they end up marrying good looking husbands! I consider myself to be friendly and handsome with the qualities you are looking for on your checklist and it’s the same old story where the unattractive ladies will see you again because they are less picky and less desirable, whereas the attractive ladies won’t because they are desirable and can play the field! Sad, but true. By the way, Diana, I put you in the attractive category, in case you didn’t know!

  • Irina says:

    Thanks for the article Diana! I just wanted to see if I could express a different point of view on love, sex and relationship.

    I am not quite in my Post Egg years and will not be for another 10-15 years, so I guess it’s hard for me, at the moment, to grasp the concept of “sex without love” and therefore, my point of view might be subjective.

    I am on j-date for a specific reason – to find love, get married and have children. You are probably thinking “Oh G-d, another one of these stuck up desperate girls. Is love and marriage now-days really such an an outdated and “uncool” idea…?

    When I was younger, that’s when I had a lot of sex without any need to ever see a guy again or especially to marry him. So even though from my earlier statement I might appear as an old-fashioned and proper woman, in reality I have always been an open-minded, career_oriented, adventurous and independent individual. In my 20th I have probably experienced all kinds of sex and sex situations, while in my late 30th I realized, that am not so much interested in sex along as I am in sex for love and family. After being married for 11 years I came to a conclusion that deep down we are all, regardless of age or gender looking to connect with that special someone.

    I very much enjoyed being married to my ex-husband. I like the idea of loving and having someone in my life for support and companionship during good and bad times.

    I want to have children and I see nothing boring or uninteresting in sex within marriage. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I very much believe that I am no different from the rest of you. Loveless sex is a protective shield that men and women put on trying to appear so “strong and independent.” In reality it’s us being afraid to say: “I love you”, “I need you in my life”, “I want to be with you”, “Please stay, don’t go”, ” Marry me”, ” I want to spend the rest of my life with you”. How could we say the above as it makes us look week and not in control, especially those of us independent, single career-oriented women.

    I believe, the reason why younger girls admit of needing love more than men and older women has nothing to do with their egg count, but rather with the fact that in our society it is more accepted to be romantic in youth, and express feelings and emotions for women than men. In addition, most older single women carry a baggage of disappointment, unfulfilled hopes and dreams and therefore develop a thick protective layer around them.

    Basically, my point is that men and women of all ages are ultimately looking for connection with each other and companionship and not just an empty, loveless sex. Love is the only feeling that can make someone truly happy. After the sexual explorations in my 20th and throughout my marriage I learned that the highest state of sexual pleasure can only be achieved when you are deeply in-love with your partner (hottest and sexiest sex, woooow)

    At the end I would like to quote Benjamin Disraeli: “We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.”

    Irina

  • Dave says:

    @Simon: Read “The Game” by Neil Strauss. It’s not a “how to pick up girls” book, but rather an expose that reveals a group of guys who learn, practice, and train others in the art of pickup. I didn’t learn from that book, but rather through painful trial and error. But the book is hysterically funny, and poignantly sad, too, at times. The anecdotes in the book WILL give you an insight into flirtation techniques, confidence building, and self-improvement that DO work if you are diligent in practice and application. But note that Strauss concludes the book by questioning if the ends justifies the means. Having “game” is just a door opener; you have to use it as a tool to achieve goals that are aligned with your values: do you want casual sex with somebody whose company you don’t actually want long-term? Or do you really want a deep, lasting, meaningful relationship?

    @Benjamin: I like to joke that I’m more George Costanza than George Clooney! I learned to flirt and approach women through painful trial and error. I don’t have a recipe, as much as now-ingrained habits. I was shy growing up, and had to force myself and train myself to be outgoing, to the point it is automatic now. I won’t claim that I can be always be offered sex after a certain number of dates. But the key, if I have to synthesize one, is getting the women to talk instead of talking AT them (as with pickup lines). A man who is a good listener is valuable to a woman. One needs to show subtle, non-chalant, self-confidence through things as asking women opened ended-questions, giving them a chance to express themselves and get comfortable being around you, even if she doesn’t act interested initially. There are things you can do to simply get attention and entertain women, but it’s hard to sustain a long-term superficial role that isn’t really you. Note that some women are hurting after break-ups, divorces, etc. and there may be nothing you can do or say to break through their wall of self-defensive aversion to being approached, unless you have the patience of Robert Redford’s character in The Horse Whisperer, to obliquely and gradually give them small, safe opportunities to know, trust, and value you.

  • Benjamin says:

    Hey Dave,

    Are you for real? You’re not having us all on, are you? I don’t know of any middle aged Jewish man like you has women offering them sex? Don’t take this the wrong way, but my male friends have joked that you must have been born a woman or in real life you are the Mel Gibson character in the film “What Women Want”! What is your secret to being an accomplished flirt and apart from humor and being nice, what attracts women to you? Are you a Geoge Clooney lookalike?

  • Simon,

    Sorry you’ve had so many turn-downs! It is hard to feel confident when you have had so many rejections. I may be able to help. Can I have your JDate Screen name? Let’s see what I may advise. Thanks–

    Diana

  • Simon says:

    I still believe I have been following Diana’s advice to no avail! However, I shall look at photos of the Farrelly brothers, as I often think Jewish women just don’t want to commit to a second date. I have had at least 100-150 JDate first coffee dates without a 2nd date and believe me, I have tried. However, I shall still try to follow Diana’s advice with a fine tooth comb, if I’m lucky enough to get more first dates. Dave, now that Diana has given us advice from a female perspective, can you please give me some advice as to what makes you succeed at being “an accomplished flirt!” Thank you

  • Barry, no worries about my name. People always shorten it. Some of my best friends call me “Duh.”

    Listen up, all you guys who’re responding to this column–which I love!!!

    I was having a drink with a TV-show packager the other night. Because yes, there are folks considering Still Hot, Why Not? for a reality show. I told her about a recent date I went on–a wonderful man, from JDate. This guy has everything any sane woman could want in a man. Great values, intelligence, love for his family, cultural interests, and a very nice body!!! Yet, hard as I tried, I didn’t find him attractive. And here’s why.

    (I know he reads my column, so I hope this can “go down easy,” because it is really good advice for him, and maybe for Barry, and even Mike.)

    This wonderful guy, when I walked in, nosed around in the menu without looking at me. Within a minute, he took out a hankie, and blew his nose. His posture was hang-dog: down in his chair. Hands folded sheepishly in lap. He blew his nose at regular intervals, and rarely looked in my eyes, and he never sat up straight. His lovely full head of hair was combed down over his forehead in a cap-like fringe. When he spoke, he often stopped to make a kind of snorting sound.

    The crazy thing was: This guy is HANDSOME. If he sat up straight, put away the hankie, stopped snorting, looked me in the eyes, and took a moment to style himself, he would be incredibly attractive. But, he doesn’t. And he probably says: This is me! This is who I am! My wife loved me for myself! Well, that’s all true. However, you are dating.

    Guys, there is such a thing as SEXY. To reiterate:

    Look a woman in the eyes.
    SIT UP STRAIGHT for goodness sake.
    Use your hands to gesture, to be expressive, and to lightly touch. Do not keep your hands folded in your lap.
    Do not blow your nose.
    Do not make strange sounds.
    Look at photos of the Farrelly Brothers (for example) and observe how these perfectly ordinary-looking guys manage to look VERY SEXY.

    I am now going to generalize shamelessly. So sue me. Italian men learn to be sexy. Greek men learn to be sexy. African-American men learn to be sexy. French men learn to be sexy. Latino men learn to be sexy. Sexy is in their cultural upbringing (as is the knowing of sexual skills, but that’s another, better story.) However, by and large, with some exceptions of course, Jewish men are not taught to be sexy. You are taught to be cerebral, kind, and of course, guilty.

    I told the TV packager about the handsome-yet-unattractive man I’d met. She said, Why don’t you offer him a Dating Makeover!?! You know: I could. (She also thought this would make an excellent TV show.) So, think of this comment as your own dating makeover advice, free. And stop blaming women for not being attracted to you when you are probably not doing the right things to be attractive.

    -Diana

  • lobo says:

    I so can relate….one only has to be in a relationship without the sweetness of true caring….to feel an emptiness. Sex is like food….it is all in the ingredients and how it is served that truly determines whether it is ultimately pleasurable.

  • Dave says:

    Les, I hate to brag, but I am an accomplished flirt, so it probably will happen again. And again. I have no intention of remaining celibate until death. I just want the sex to be more meaningful than “casual” sex implies.

    Like I wrote earlier, controlling our animal instincts is what separates us from the animals.

  • Peter says:

    Hi Diana,

    I am very presentable, indeed! If only I had Dave’s luck, I would have grasped the opportunity of 2 women offering me sex!

  • Barry says:

    Sorry, it should have read Diana not Dianne.

  • Barry says:

    I think Dianne is being far too harsh on Mike. I truly believe Mike really loves women, but he is completely frustrated by how these women behave towards him. I can completely relate with him. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus is completely true. Men with very honorable intentions and great presentation are completely mystified why women reject them as they are often given no reason at all. These attractive women need to take a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror in the way they treat men.

  • Les says:

    Sorry, I meant to say I would have to agree with Peter.

  • Les says:

    I would have to agree with Kevin. Dave, life is too short. What are the chances of 2, hopefully attractive women hitting on you again? I am very presentable, friendly and handsome with great breath and this has never happened to me! I would definitely have taken up the opportunity. You have to “strike while the iron is hot” before you become very old and gray.

  • Harry says:

    Hi Laura, I’m exactly like Dave in his thoughts. Would it be possible to check your profile name on JDate?

  • Great comment, Eric. Thank you.

  • Jack Par says:

    Casual sex is very different at 50+, than when someone isn’t yet 30. The pressures to have or not have a child are also very different. Emotional and spiritual intimacy seems to get lost in the process of many people searching for a true connection with another person; which it difficult to do if you’re not connected with one’s own self.

    Diane I suggest that you and your readers watch the film, “The Talent Given Us.”

  • Dave says:

    Laura,

    Thanks for the thought. You can check out my profile via screen name DNBS if you are curious.

    Dave

  • Eric says:

    I believe the way to true love is not through casual sex, but through casual relationships. Men and women need to be more casual with one another in general.

    The best relationship I have ever had was a ‘friends with benefits’ relationship. We both resolved to eliminate pressure from the mix, and just be FRIENDS and have sex. I was not ready to fall in love, and neither was she.

    Had the relationship continued beyond 4 months (she is currently involved with another man), I am sure I would have eventually fallen in love with her – and she with me. But she really WANTED a serious romantic relationship, and got ahead of me.

    I not only enjoyed the FWB relationship, but found that I was able to express my feelings more openly and directly because of it. We often declared that we loved each other, and neither one winced when we said it. That was something new for me, because since my divorce, I had become very protective and closed-hearted. But now I was free to say what I felt…because we were ‘friends first’.

    The worst question I am always asked on a new date is “What are you looking for?”.

    I hate that question, because it forces me to place the cart before the horse, and tell a complete stranger that I want to marry them – before I have even kissed or slept with them!

    Ladies…gentlemen…learn how to be a friend. Sleep with your friend. Enjoy your friend. Experience your friend. Love your friend.

    Then, and only then, will you truly be able to achieve your ultimate goal of – falling in love with your friend.

    And isn’t THAT what we all REALLY want?

  • laura says:

    Mike, baggage does not discriminate by gender.
    Dave, I’d love to meet you!

  • Mike says:

    Thank you Diana Amsterdam for the irreverent slight: “@Mike–There’s a reason misogyny begins with the same two letters as your name.” And specific implication that I (and actually all men who may have the same two beginning letters as my name) am “misogyny”! It never ceases to amaze me that when a woman does not hear from a man what she wants to hear the terminology “misogyny” comes into play. This of course would have to include the majority of men on jdate who are over 60 and date mostly the 50 plus jdate women (more accurately want to date as most CAN’T even reply to emails due to their baggage). I truly appreciate the fact that you actually posted my three previous comments and might even post this one. Does any man who has become disillusioned with the online dating scene over 50 become “misogyny” if he vents his feeling on a woman’s blog? I do not call you a ‘man hater’ just because you state: “I’m not there yet. Having recently evolved out of a five-year engagement during which I returned not one, but two rings to the pirate, I am still stuck in Sex=Love. I’m working on it. Why?”——-

  • Well,

    I have been celibate since 1989 atleast. I have no regrets. And I have my bouts with wanting tackle my female roommate on occassion . . . stiil celibacy works.

    And while I have met some amazing women who wanted to float my boat among other things . . . . celibacy works.

    And while while I am not below slipping into my own fantasies . . . still celibacy works.

    Why because the act of exchanging someone else’s blood is a very very very big deal to me. Our life is in our blood. We have memores in our blood. Some of our identity is in our blood . . .

    We are precious, valuable, and that value is in our blood and no sexual releif can edify our worth better than that exchanged with a life long partner in marriage. Celibacy till marriage works. I don’t need to feel Ann Coulter’s legs wrapped around my hips in sexual bliss to be affirmed as a sexual being or a person of value (and while it makes for good dreams – yummy).

    Celibacy works. I appreciate the sexual vibrancy of my female peers and also appreciate the value of their minds, emnotions, and personhood. Give that vibrant sexual delight wrapped in the tradition of wedded bliss, angst, pain wonder and joy . . .

    celibacy works.

  • As always, I learn so much from your comments! Thank you, everybody, for sharing your stories and insights.
    @Shirley–You go girl!!! you’re an inspiration.
    @Mike–There’s a reason misogyny begins with the same two letters as your name.
    @Dave–Thanks for giving me the male perspective on why you avoid casual sex!!!
    @Peter–I’m sure that lots of nice guys get overlooked. But this could be because they’ve got no idea how to present themselves. Start with your profile photo: Is it attractive, or scary? I remember the time I accepted a date with a JDater who told me he was a really nice guy. His shirt kept riding up over his hairy belly, and his breath smelled so bad, my nose wrinkled. Being nice is wonderful but women want men who are presentable.
    @Elizabeth and Gary–Thanks for reminding us that love can take many forms
    @Anne and others–Yes! We are sexual beings!
    @Figuro–Thanks for your interest; however, I’m more into guys at least relatively in my age range!
    You may notice I’ve slightly changed my hair. Chopped it all off in a fit of pique against hair dye, and now it’s the color of snow with a touch of butter, which I shmear in to make it a little blonde.

  • rob says:

    Mike’s analysis of Anne’s posting is a bit harsh, but there is more than a grain of truth in what she wrote. Anne sounds rather bitter, cynical, and ignorant about relationships and Judaism. Orthodox men do not “push women around” any more or less than non-Orthodox men. She is no doubt unfamiliar with the number of Orthodox women who are doctors, lawyers, CPAs, etc. with accomplished careers, who are equal partners in their marriages even while following Jewish law that defines different roles and responsibilities in life for men and women, for Jews and non-Jews, etc. If I was to generalize like she does, I would suspect that she is the typical non-Orthodox Jew who inverts Jewish theology, putting her secular desires and animal instincts above G-d’s commandments, because she does not believe; to such Jews as she, Torah MiSinai is a fable. She is entitled to not believe, as Judaism (and G-d) provides for free choice, but she should keep her pie-hole shut instead of speaking ill of her fellow Jews who actually believe in and have a relationship with G-d through Torah. Her choices that led to her failed relationships are hers alone, but are probably far more typical of non-Orthodox Jewish relationships; divorce rates for Orthodox Jews are less than 10%, and much, much higher for non-Orthodox Jews. There is something to be said for free will, including the choice to live a Torah life.

  • Figuro says:

    Hi Dianne,

    Nice article. Are you single and on jdate? If so could you please check out my profile?

    Sincerely,

    Figuro

  • zohar guery says:

    good for you Diana amsterdam.
    as we all have pros and cons,we all must make sure they are fool with empathy,know how to give and take,always polite to each other.with a bit of luck too all will fall into a good place.

  • Mike says:

    It is snowy with sleet outside, so I just read Anne’s post and even though I have posted twice on this thread, I thought I would comment at her ending: “’I’m a Modern, Coonservative Jewish woman with a realistic view of the4 world and I am a feminist and do not want my daughter pushed around by any man!!”———-This quote from “Anne” epitomizes the attitude of the ‘single’ women on jdate in the 50 plus age range, as it reflects a “hostility” to men that she admits too imparting into her daughter so that her daughter will grow up as lonely as she obviously is. Why else would she end with this powerful hostile statement as women in America have passed the equality phase and are in the superiority phase. She left her husband when her daughter was ‘two’ but does not say ex husband and says ‘daughters father’. Then a “five year younger man” that she loved which she now claims to be “good friends” with. (why do people pretend to be friends with someone after a relationship ends as reality dictates that is not posable with someone you ‘loved’ unless they were just sex buddies. Then a dating period with a man who committed suicide. Will “Anne” ever recognize the impropriety of using her daughter as a relationship substitute? Will other women who use their children and careers and friends and baggage and vibrators ever recognize they are just substituting due to their FEAR of EVOLVEMENT with a real man? Will women stop blaming men for their relationship failures?

  • Mike says:

    I feel that I should add an addendum to my prior post: I see that OP and other women are enamored with the much younger man. And I say if that is your objective and you find a willing symbol of youth then ‘go for it’. But, just be assured that men know the reason why! That reason being: you want to feel younger then your age. Men may do stupid things but that does not make men stupid although some may be. And the second very important reason is that you have just “given up” on “relationships”. If you just want to be used for a sexual toy by any younger man who can’t get a younger woman then “go for it” but just know that everyone knows WHY! Personally I think you might consider REALITY and ‘getting old alone’ is not the fun that you have been brainwashed into believing. There are GOOD HIGH QUALITY men ‘out there” who are older then you, if you would just get your head out of your rear end and respond to them. Take a chance as you only “reject” yourself if you don’t! PS: If your concern is “erections” there are amazing pills for that and even young male “porn” stars use them SO get some self confidence and get into a “real relationship”!

  • Peter says:

    Dave, if I were in your shoes, I would have taken up the offer, especially if the ladies were attractive! I consifer myself to be friendly and handsome but the situation has not happened with me. Lori Smiles, I’m in my mid to late forties and I’m jealous that at 42, you dated someone 26! Would you date someone in their mid to late forties? I completely agree with Mike. unfortunately JDate can often appear to be Reject Date to us “nice guys”. Believe me, younger attractive ladies don’t answer emails too, more because they can pick and choose, especially if they’re JDate paying members. It’s the old story that unattractive, overweight ladies are more friendly because they are less desirable and attractive ladies are extremely picky, because they can!

  • Dave says:

    I’m an anomaly, being middle-aged and never having married; my old joke about sex was, “even when it’s bad, it’s good”.

    But no more. I recently turned down opportunities for casual sex with two women, one who hit on me at Starbucks, the other from Jdate. Neither wanted a relationship, which I (foolishly?) still seek. The former wanted sex because her aged boyfriend couldn’t do it anymore, and the other one was recently divorced and just wanted to do it again after then end of what I suppose was a long, sexless marriage.

    I greatly want sex. But I learned when I was very young that sex is much better when it’s with somebody you really care about. I haven’t met anybody I cared about enough (or maybe who cared about me in a way that I want) in a very long time.

    Casual sex is a great way of avoiding commitment; you enter into a FWB relationship because you know it’s not going anywhere, so you can have some fun while licking your wounds left from previous failed relationships. It’s a poor substitute for healing, growing, and living a self-actualized life.

    Yes, we have needs, but but our humanity is defined by our ability to control and overcome our animal needs. I want a partner who is human, not an animal.

  • Lori Smiles says:

    He was 26, i was 42. We met on Jdate, met for a light meal, laughed laughed, and than had fun. We met up several times through the next year. we both flattered each other, i called him Muffin! we flirted with emails..fun fun. Than we both agreed it was getting too comfortable and we split. I never knew his last name. He was a cute hot kid and clean and told me that any man would be lucky to have me. I told him i would see him on the red carpet and smile…ah life, it was a step forward for us both..thank you Jdate.

  • Karen says:

    If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with. p.s. God, please make him good looking and disease free.

  • elizabeth martin says:

    Post-Egg topic very timely and hilarious! My guess is, like myself, many of us girls who were not into one-night stands back in the day will not be into them now, etc. That being said, there are many permutations and arrangements that real love can take – and isn’t “real love”, whatever it may be to each of us, the objective? Know what YOU desire, and create that with the right person. What an expansive opportunity we have before us…….yay! and bon chance to all!

  • Just came across your site and thoroughly enjoyed your article plus the comments. However, I am way ahead of you because I will be 79 in March. As Fate had it, I lost my second hubby in 1976 after a mere 10 years (see my book ‘Flies in the Milk’ at Amazon). So I can confirm you can still be hot way past 50. And because I am considered very young for my age (most think I’m in my 60s) I have opted to look for a younger man. Well, Diane the offers I’ve had through the singles websites, are really hysterical. As a writer, I felt compelled to record them, and in fact I started collecting them for another possible book. No, I didn’t have sex with any and everybody, but they sure tried hard.

  • amy says:

    I still have a huge appreciation for what friendship does for a relationship and all a good relationship does for a romance. Take your time enjoy the journey, you never have to get married, you also don’t have to have sex until everyone is ready. AND, yes, I think it should be discussed. People are coming from all over in experiences and expectations, there is no one answer.
    Why do things HAVE to move so fast? Remember, perfect comes in all kinds of packages, has some imperfections, we are all one of a kind, and natural variations are to be expected.

    I’m going back to the grocery store, the coffee shop, the MFA, Volunteer activities, waiting for warmer weather, going to parties, spending time with friends, you know, life. I find I meet fewer, but better quality men in life, than I do on line. More time for lectures and a new language.

  • Mike says:

    Diana Amsterdam: Very entertaining story but I think the real online dating world is quite different for the 50 plus singles. Most just fantasize about sex as well as talk and write about it. Women love to get younger mens interest even though they know its only for sex and mothering and a home cooked meal. Casual sex rarely enters the picture because that requires a real date first and the women on jdate (most over 50) can’t even answer an email and if they do cannot keep up any communication by email and phone. Maybe a brief meeting where somehow it is always them rejecting the man (to their friends anyway) (reject before being rejected concept). Career and children and friends and personal life and baggage always get in the way. So when these ‘things’ are not in the way anymore they are too old to date. And without dates the only sex is with BOB (battery operated boyfriend).

  • Susan says:

    Interesting discussion. As a woman who “grew up” in the 60s married early and later in life found great sex, I understand the position of sex w/o love as being a new concept
    Lets just say that it is great to feel loved and have great sex without having the guilt trip what we were brought up to believe “you’ve gotta b in love “. Well enjoy. We are sexual beings. If we do find someone we are in love with and love. All the better

  • Anne says:

    As a single (divorced) woman of many years, I did not have the expectation of necessarily remarrying anytime soon following my divorce from my daughter’s father. She was only two when I left him. I didn’t date for a year after that because she and I had more important things to do like learn potty training and spend quality time paddle boating together (I’m not joking). But someone finally flirted with me a year later when I just went back to work, and it took three weeks for me to realize what was happening. The last time I’d gone out on a first date I was 17 and it was a bikeride. Now I was 31 and had a 3 year old along for the ride.

    I freaked out and called all my married girlfriends who were busy with their second kids in playpens and putting potroasts (and in one case, toful) in the oven. All of them were jealous. I wanted to switch places and be making potraost and all of them wanted to go on my date in Greenwich Village for pizza and more…

    (it eventually was more, a lot more…My love for this person never died. We never “broke up” for relationship reasons. Our relationship ended because he wasn’t settled in his career, and had to seek educational opportunities out west to do so-I was in the midst of graduate school with a 4 year old and couldn’t pull up staakes for a man five years younger who wasn’t settled…Today we’re good friends. I wish sometimes we could rekindle things, but it hasn’t happened. Maybe someday it will…

    In themeantime, we are sexual beings-I’ve had relationsips-good, bad, and very mediocre!! Sadly, one person I briefly dated committed suicide years afterward when I read about it in our alumni newspaper about 5 months after he died. There was nothing I could do-we’d only dated for two months. Even a condolence card to his parents-except to say I was a classmate of “Max’s” and he always helped me with “The History of Modern Philosophy” and was a sincerely generous person.”-that’s all. But we are sexual beings-it is written into our genetic code, it isw what nature intended for us to do.

    We have now outsmarted Nature in the way in which we handle our sexuality-we use birth control (which is a good thing). We protect ourselves from diseases which is excellent!! Hopefully, if we have good mental health, we are not sleeping with hundreds of people per month!! There are after all other activities in life and that life demands of us, however we must and should address our sexual needs in a responsible, mature and caring way.

    As my daughter matured, having grown up with a single mother, vastly different from the nuclear family I grew up in (though she only met one of my boyfriends), my daughter did see me dressing for dates. When she was three, she asked the question “what do you do on a date?” I thought and answered her “You go out to dinner and go to a movie.” That satisfied her until the next morning when she wanted a recap of what restaurant I ate in, what I ate, what my date ate and whether I’d take her there and I often did-my daughter and I dated as well!! When she matured and learned about sex (later on after she’d learned about where babies come from), I told her “Danielle, having sex or “making love” feels good” but you should only do it when you feel comfortable with someone and you should care for that person very, very much!!” “You do not have to marry that person!” Anyone who is Orthodox might find that shocking, but I was a modern mother and did not want my daughter to go through a divorce if it could be avoided (sometimes they can’t [some of the best people in the world are divorced {including me!!} I’m a Modern, Coonservative Jewish woman with a realistic view of the4 world and I am a feminist and do not want my daughter pushed around by any man!!

  • Kathy says:

    Thanks for writing about this!

  • Gary says:

    Diana, I loved the article.
    As someone who’s been divorced for only a year, I can say that sex without love is quite empty. However, I find that many women expect everlasting love not just plain love. I can only guarantee that at this moment I am making love to a woman for whom I have sincere and deep emotional feelings. I may not be IN love, but I have much love to share. But many women insist that I be marriage material. I cannot lie. I may not be ready to get married again for quite a while. And quite a few women have passed up the opportunity to really be loved and satisfied only because they couldn’t see me marrying them. Feel free to give out my number to those women not necessarily looking for marriage any time soon… :-)

  • Babs says:

    I was hoping for a better ending :-) So we are doomed until we either begin to fall in love or are in love? OY!

  • MK says:

    Each of us has to find our own comfort level with the role of sex in our lives. But what I’ve discovered after leaving a 33-year marriage and re-entering the dating scene so many decades hence, is that sex doesn’t have to be associated with love as I believed as bedrock when I was younger. It can be a very nice “recreational activity” just like going to the movies, out to dinner, bowling, etc. The key is to keep it in context (men have no difficulty with this), and to manage your own expectations about the “meaning” of any particular encounter. We’re sexual beings – regardless of our age. Why deny ourselves that pleasure? If you keep your mind open and your “feelings” in check (and both of you have similar expectations going in), you shouldn’t get hurt.

  • Albert Amato says:

    The funniest line about an older woman dating a 25 year old is that she “had to wake up so early to put on makeup so he did not think he slept with his mother”…….and the same goes for men dating their granddaughters……..just be safe and have some fun!

  • Kenneth says:

    Diana,

    With that smile, you still have GOT IT!!!

  • Mark Silverman says:

    Ultimately, casual sex isn’t what people are really looking for…It is a temporary diversion from opening one’s heart to the fulfillment of and seeking true love and intimacy. People are looking to create a deep and trusting bond with someone where they can grow together as a couple, something that lasts….

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