Still Hot, Why Not?
WHO SUCCEEDS AT LOVE?
There are many ways to succeed at love. One person’s success can be another person’s “You’re dating that loser?!?”
It’s safe to say, however, that if A. you never have sex and B. you never date and C. the last time someone touched you sexually, you woke up and realized it was you and D. you resent your happily coupled friends and E. you weep watching Say Yes to the Dress, you are not the Love A-Team.
I confess: I am in this group. I’m not alone. Indeed, one of the perks of writing this column is that I get to read the comments of other losers. Seems there is a veritable universe of poor souls forever scouring the world for that one, or even one-half, relationship. Some of us have been doing this so long, and in so many ways, that we might be called Love Zombies: arms outstretched, legs stiff from walking the earth (and arthritis), lips chapped from calling “You? Who?”
And so, for the past month, I’ve been conducting an informal survey to see who does succeed at love.
First, let us eliminate the gorgeous, sexy, firm people we know and yes, there are still some who linger thusly into their fifties, sixties and seventies. To them I say: Bug off. No, to them I say: You do not count. These gorgeous, sexy people—like my amazing friend Donna, who is 56 and tall, blonde, thin, leggy, charming, witty and wealthy—cannot be said to succeed or not succeed at love because their options are always different from the rest of us, that is, they have some.
No, in order to establish who succeeds at love and who doesn’t, we have to look at average Joes and Josephines, or, in the Jewish nomenclature, Simons and Simonellas, and from this true sampling we may derive a few conclusions, and just in case you’re still awake, here they are:
- People succeed at love who do not need love too much. From my own experience, when I am desperately seeking Simon, I am giving off a kind of vibe that says, “Please, Please, whatever, it’s cool, who, me? Have standards? Love you, love you, do you like me? Can’t get enough of your, so you can’t get it up, that’s fine, sure I’ll pay, here take my metrocard…” That vibe.
- People succeed at love who are relatively happy with relative imperfection. This is a very profound topic that is covered in seventeen places (none of them adjacent, of course) in the Talmud. This ability to be relatively happy with relative imperfection is not the same as being relatively unhappy with relative perfection, which is what I’m good at.
- People succeed at love who do not equate love with something that is not love. For example, there are those who equate love with BMWs and those who equate love with sexual highs and those who equate love with cruises and now I’ll stop talking about Donna, and say: Love is a soul-to-soul connection, which is why nobody can do it.
Write me with your questions about succeeding at love because, as you can see, I’m an expert.