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Still Hot, Why Not?

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There he is, coming this way on a crowded Manhattan street. The man I seek. He’s maybe fifty-five or sixty, handsome, stylish, and still walking with a bounce in his step. And oh, look how attentive he is to his daughter. He laughs at her joke, stops to admire her beauty, and – wait, what is he doing? Kissing her? With his hand on her firm, shapely and most of all, young butt?

Rending of garment, scream. Nooooooooo.

Yes. All over America and the world, wherever Mormons are taking a fourth wife or Richard Gere is salivating, wherever a middle-aged mensch is specifying the age he’s looking for on JDate, men are seeking, getting, and having younger women. And younger women are having them.

And where does this leave the middle-aged women of the world?

Home. We are alone, lonely, and pinning the flesh of our necks up, because we’ve worked something out: If age-appropriate men are dating younger women, they are not dating us.

This is why I’ve decided to become (insert snapping, snarling sound) a cougar.

“Cougar” is a term coined by Ashton Kutcher one night when Demi asked him to be both gentle and rough, to which he replied, “Coo. Grr.”[1] This phrase stuck, and now, women who date younger men are referred to as Cougar instead of the more apt expression: Meshugenah.

There are two kinds of Cougar, and neither one exists. Still, let us define.

The first class of Cougar is the True Cougar: beautiful, sexy, toned, and very rich. She uses younger men as playthings, batting them about with her soft yet clawed paws. She has no emotional attachment to her cubs, but she does take them out, buy expensive cufflinks, and drug them on a regular basis to keep them from noticing that her butt has more spread than a Texas dude ranch.

The second class of Cougar is the Why Not? Cougar.  The Why Not? Cougar is lured by young men who post photos of themselves, and who write deeply moving, original lines such as, “To me, age is just a number.”  The Why Not? Cougar is so delusional, she actually believes she can have something of meaning with a boy who doesn’t know who Gordon Liddy was.

I am surely not in the first category and probably not in the second either, although I’ve been tempted. But I’ve managed to work out 5 Excellent Reasons Not To Have Sex with a Younger Man.

5 Excellent Reasons Not To Have Sex with a Younger Man:

  1. He doesn’t know anything.
  2. You can’t take him home to meet your sons because they will start playing Skyrim together.
  3. He will be a disappointment in bed despite his gorgeous buff arms and chest, firm strong muscles and legs, thick wavy hair and endless ability to go go go—because after all, sex isn’t everything in sex.
  4. He doesn’t really want to learn anything.
  5. He has no serious interest in you and therefore, will ultimately dump you with little or no consideration, unless you buy him some really good cufflinks.

As you can see, I’m not entirely certain about my 5 Excellent Reasons.

But I do know one thing for sure.  As long as middle-aged men date younger women, middle-aged women will at least consider dating younger men.   And, if the lights are low, the wine is good, the hand is warm, and the soul is yearning, we may agree, albeit briefly, that age is just a number.

[1] From the imagination of the author


Diana Amsterdam is a published and produced playwright, screenwriter, scribe and branding guru; and former ghost writer for the Emily Post Institute. She is the mother of two brilliant sons and grandmother of five exceptional grandchildren.
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  • I love all your comments! I will soon be tweeting and also will be publishing a facebook Still Hot Why Not page where you can actully get good advice about sex and love in our fifties (not from me, but from a woman who really knows something!)
    @Sanych – Yes, my column photo was taken one year ago, when I began writing it. Now, I have cut my hair short and dyed it blonde. I am really the most adorable I’ve ever been, if I do say so!

  • Sanych says:

    I could not help but notice that the picture of the article’s author does not match the picture of the author’s avatar.

    Are there two Diana Amsterdams?

    I think so – the same person separated by time (aren’t we all?).

    I found online dating to be a variation of a shell game – a game of luring the prey with dated information (including pictures). However, the reality sets in sooner or later. That’s why many don’t like this game.

    In relation to sex of older women with younger men – each finds a temporary satisfaction. A woman – with her perception of being younger, a man – welllllllllll, we all know what he wants and, apparently, he really wants it …

    However (and again), the reality sets in sooner or later…

  • Karen says:

    I agree and identify with Paula. Sexy matters a lot but so does fidelity and a true mind meld. Too much to ask for, I don’t think so.

  • LLL says:

    How interesting that mostly women have commented here. The difference between older men dating younger women and older women dating younger men is that the men really are convinced of their desire to have a relationship with a girl their daughter’s age and ‘older’ women are not as typically seeking relationships. But younger men serve only one obvious purpose – so use ‘em and move on !!

  • Paula Mihilas says:

    Brains instead of brawn. Wisdom instead of inexperience. Loyalty instead of following their wing-ding. I’ll take them older and wiser every time thankyouverymuch :)

  • KHK says:

    Beware all younger men, and Australians….Diana is incredibly incisive, brilliant, fun, and sexy!

  • Steph says:

    As a much younger looking, attractive woman in my mid 50′s, I had the occasion to befriend a handsome successful man 11 years my jumior, and I helped him rediscover what fun was, as he was going through a rough divorce. I’d never been interested in “younger” but we got along well so I decided to “treat myself”. What a disappointment! He had so many sexual hangups, leaving me frustrated most of the time, and after getting to know him better, I realized how immature he was. I’ll never go there again.

  • @Valerie, Go for it! and let me know how it goes…I’m kind of in the same position but too wary to say yes…

  • Valerie says:

    I have found a man much younger than me (14 years younger) and we have been writing back and forth. So far both of us are afraid to go further. I know it won’t work our long term, but I think I would like to try.

  • Your comments open so many interesting discussion points!! Thank you for taking the time to write, I really appreciate it. @Carmel I am gratified that hearing about “our” lives is comforting to you; yes, because women our age are so often overlooked, and there are MORE of us and we are BETTER at everything and SMARTER and more STUNNING than ever, but don’t get me started….@Lara, I wonder how that relationship concluded, was it mutually okay to stop seeing each other…@ Lisa, great sound bite, girlfriend…@Dani, bringing you laughter is like feeding my kids, I open my mouth a little to eat along with them, and I laugh with you a little, too….@Nina, I agree the pickings are slim or even worse, a lot heavier than their profile pix!…@Figuro, this is the second time this week I was invited to Australia to meet men, hmm, maybe there’s a small animal with a pouch (no, I don’t mean you) in my future?…@Rachel, I love your point of view, and indeed, am thinking of dipping my, er, toe in that particular pool…Splash!

  • Rachel says:

    Being widowed in my 40′s after my husband’s long illness left my libido in check for a while, but when it woke up, I was happy to learn that somewhat younger and even very younger men found me attractive. After a while, I dipped my toe in the baby pool and since my expectations were realistic, I had myself a great time. Nothing wrong with dating and becoming intimate with a younger man if everyone knows the rules of the game. I’ve been hurt far worse in the years of dating by men my own age with whom I hoped for or had relationships with than the handsome younger men with whom I had a “friends with benefits” arrangement. I say if it feels good, do it! If not, there’s always reruns of The Golden Girls on TV.

  • Sanych says:

    Austalia is passe.

    On the other hand, I think they still have some all-men labor camps in Siberia…

  • Figuro says:

    Hi Diana,

    After you visit me in Australia you can write another article with the answer to the question in this article.


    Figuro :)

  • Sanych says:

    Why men date younger women and, in general, women don’t date younger men?

    The answer, as usual, “it depends…” Some women age more gracefully than others, and some men do seek older women.

    For the rest, the only option, as the classic once said, is to submit a complaint to the League of Sexual Reforms…

  • nina says:

    You are very correct. The problem is I get mail from 35 to 45 year old men. The men who still look good and may be able to perform that are 5 to 10 years younger then I and are still good in bed are
    dating women ten to fifteen years younger then I. So as you say where
    does that leave women such as I? I’m an attractive woman of a certain
    age and still get admiring looks from younger men. The problem is that
    on sits such as jdate the pickings are very slim or none.

  • lois says:

    I’m sorry but that this article is infantilizing (excuse the pun). I am a 53 yr. old woman. I didn’t get this far in life by being delusional. Being hurt can happen in every relationship. It’s the nature of taking a chance…being vulnerable etc.
    I would date and have SEX with a man of any age as if I find that we have an intimate connection and it’s what WE both want……. So I…. say….don’t be so judgemental….if you think it’s a bad idea…don’t do it.

  • Dani says:

    Your articles are brilliantly written, insightful, and above all humorous observations on the human condition that never fail to bring me laughter. I have found myself in the situation where (in the past) I dated several men younger than myself and now at the age of 53 (but looking much younger, according to one friend, in my late 30′s G-d bless him!) have found that quite a number of Jdate men are interested in making my acquaintance even though their stated upper limit for dating/relationships is 45. This is flattering, but also scary. I want a companion/lover, maybe even possibly (a tiny bit) marriage one last time (been burned before post-divorce, so am not certain that marriage is in the cards, but I’d happily settle for a loving relationship with someone who’s kind, gentle, intelligent, good looking, passionate, and has many of the same interests that I do. I’m not sure a younger man would be in it for the long haul, and so while it’s flattering and intrigues me and there is someone in that position now who’s very interested, he’s going to have to go a long ways to convince me that this is really a viable thing at this point in life. It’s different at 31 dating someone who’s 26. At 53, dating a 47 year old could be a recipe for heartache, especially when it says on his profile he’s not sure if he wants kids and you know the factory is closed!

  • Lisa Bettina says:

    Age only matters if you are a cheese!

  • Dave says:

    If you separate the sex from the relationship, as many people try to do, then it’s an easy decision… “Do I want sex with him?”

    If you want a relationship, then evaluate the guy by the same criteria by which you evaluate guys closer to your age. Can it work with a much younger guy? Possibly, but not as likely, just like the farther somebody is from your core values, the less likely it is to work out.

    But it still takes just one right guy, regardless of age. So, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

  • Lara18 says:

    There are, in fact, several reasons why dating a younger man can make sense. The first is….libido. it is likely that a younger man does not require enhancement drugs, like viagro or cialis, to go the distance with a mature woman. Also, a younger man is more flexible about life, whereas mature men are more likely to be rather set in his ways, less likely to try a new restaurant or take a day trip to a distantlocation. I am speaking from experience. My previous relationship was with an incredibly intelligent and sensitive man nearly two decades younger, who told me he appreciated my curves. Yes, his mother was just a few years older than me, but once you can ignore the age issue, the rest is icing on the cake. The reality is that women and men of a certain age don’t appreciate each other’s quirks.

  • Carmel says:

    An amazing lady, you are! I so agree with your comments and marvelous sense of the written word.As a former New Yorker ,now living in Los Angeles, near Malibu, where all the “pretty things are”, I know the feeling of seeing the Gentrified Generation and the recent college grads, diploma in hand, getting their needs met and happily playing to the ego-needs of the “Nice older gentleman”. As a recent widow, with “Cronological Credibility”, I see no shortage of men my age, and look forward to enjoying MANY years with someone who meets my intellectual, emotional and physicel needs~ not necessarily in that order! All the best and keep up the marvelous work of inspiration and laughter to your many readers.

  • ar says:

    I was married for 15 years to someone who was 9+ years younger than me. Very few of the reasons for the demise of our marriage had to do with the age differences.

    Younger men aren’t so bad. I’ve also dated one man who was 15 years older than me. That was interesting as well.

    Either way, if you have enough in common and can forge a relationship built on things that work for both of you, what does age really need to have to do with it?

    Had my ex been able to deal with certain issues and I had been willing to live with his ongoing inability to deal with those issues, we would still be married.

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