Still Hot, Why Not?
WHY NOT SEX WITH YOUNGER MEN?
There he is, coming this way on a crowded Manhattan street. The man I seek. He’s maybe fifty-five or sixty, handsome, stylish, and still walking with a bounce in his step. And oh, look how attentive he is to his daughter. He laughs at her joke, stops to admire her beauty, and – wait, what is he doing? Kissing her? With his hand on her firm, shapely and most of all, young butt?
Rending of garment, scream. Nooooooooo.
Yes. All over America and the world, wherever Mormons are taking a fourth wife or Richard Gere is salivating, wherever a middle-aged mensch is specifying the age he’s looking for on JDate, men are seeking, getting, and having younger women. And younger women are having them.
And where does this leave the middle-aged women of the world?
Home. We are alone, lonely, and pinning the flesh of our necks up, because we’ve worked something out: If age-appropriate men are dating younger women, they are not dating us.
This is why I’ve decided to become (insert snapping, snarling sound) a cougar.
“Cougar” is a term coined by Ashton Kutcher one night when Demi asked him to be both gentle and rough, to which he replied, “Coo. Grr.” This phrase stuck, and now, women who date younger men are referred to as Cougar instead of the more apt expression: Meshugenah.
There are two kinds of Cougar, and neither one exists. Still, let us define.
The first class of Cougar is the True Cougar: beautiful, sexy, toned, and very rich. She uses younger men as playthings, batting them about with her soft yet clawed paws. She has no emotional attachment to her cubs, but she does take them out, buy expensive cufflinks, and drug them on a regular basis to keep them from noticing that her butt has more spread than a Texas dude ranch.
The second class of Cougar is the Why Not? Cougar. The Why Not? Cougar is lured by young men who post photos of themselves, and who write deeply moving, original lines such as, “To me, age is just a number.” The Why Not? Cougar is so delusional, she actually believes she can have something of meaning with a boy who doesn’t know who Gordon Liddy was.
I am surely not in the first category and probably not in the second either, although I’ve been tempted. But I’ve managed to work out 5 Excellent Reasons Not To Have Sex with a Younger Man.
5 Excellent Reasons Not To Have Sex with a Younger Man:
- He doesn’t know anything.
- You can’t take him home to meet your sons because they will start playing Skyrim together.
- He will be a disappointment in bed despite his gorgeous buff arms and chest, firm strong muscles and legs, thick wavy hair and endless ability to go go go—because after all, sex isn’t everything in sex.
- He doesn’t really want to learn anything.
- He has no serious interest in you and therefore, will ultimately dump you with little or no consideration, unless you buy him some really good cufflinks.
As you can see, I’m not entirely certain about my 5 Excellent Reasons.
But I do know one thing for sure. As long as middle-aged men date younger women, middle-aged women will at least consider dating younger men. And, if the lights are low, the wine is good, the hand is warm, and the soul is yearning, we may agree, albeit briefly, that age is just a number.
 From the imagination of the author