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Do You Follow The Rules?

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Ellen Fein and Sherie Schnieder, authors of The Rules, are back! The women who wrote some of the most popular and infamous dating books of the 90’s are coming out with a modern-take on dating called Not Your Mother’s Rules, which hits bookstores in February of 2013. I recently caught up with Ellen and Sherrie to see if they could share a few of their favorite tips!

 

Avi:  What are your most important tips for online dating?

E&S: Don’t answer a guy’s ad, and post a light and breezy ad talking about interests, hobbies, favorite foods, books, movies, etc. Don’t mention anything about dreams and regrets and include a couple of sexy photos. If a guy doesn’t ask you out within 4 emails, next! Rules girls are looking for dates, not pen pals. We also advise women to “wait as long as you can” before having sex. We are not prudish, just careful!

 

Avi: Have The Rules changed at all since the 90′s when the book first appeared?

E&S: No and yes. No, because women — despite equal pay for equal work — cannot chase a guy like they can chase a career without possibly getting hurt and dumped. Men have a type/look and love a challenge, so it is a waste of time and doesn’t work whether you are in 1950, 1990, or 2012.

Yes, new technology (such as texting, Facebook®, Skype™ and Twitter) has made it harder to be mysterious, so we had to rewrite the first book for the new generation. It’s called Not Your Mother’s Rules and it will be out in February of 2013.

 

Avi: In your book The Rules for Online Dating, you make it clear that under all circumstances, the man should contact the woman first. Are there any exceptions?

E&S: No exceptions. A woman cannot email, or even wink at a guy’s profile, without becoming the aggressor and possibly getting hurt down the line when the guy dumps her for the woman whose profile he really likes. The only way to be sure that a guy is interested is to let him make the first move. If you have something exceptional in common, he has to notice that, and contact you first. The rare exception we have found is when a woman “beats a guy to the punch” by answering his ad first and later finds out that he was about to answer hers, but hadn’t gotten around to it. This is very rare and nothing we recommend.    

 

Avi: Should a woman view a man’s online profile anonymously? Should a woman add a man to her “Favorite’s List” or “Hot List?”

E&S: It’s fine for him to see that she has viewed his profile, as long as she doesn’t mention she has read it! (Do not refer to it by saying something like, “oh, you said you like the Knicks, so do I”!)  Also, she shouldn’t add him to her favorite’s list as that is a dead giveaway of interest.

 

Avi: One of the more famous Rules says one should “Never call men and rarely return their calls.” I truly believe that men in under age 30 (because of instant gratification via technology) won’t call back if you neglect to return their calls. Do you agree or disagree?

E&S: Disagree. If you don’t call back, a guy will try again by calling, texting, emailing, or Instant Messaging you. In the beginning of the relationship, it is best not to call back as calling shows a lot of interest. You can text or email back that you got his message and are having a crazy, busy day so he knows you are interested. Guys are surprisingly resourceful and will call again or figure out another avenue of technology to reach you. 

 

Avi: Do Jewish women need The Rules more than other women? ;)

E&S: Every woman needs The Rules. The Rules are universal and our first book was translated into 27 languages, proving that men and women are the same worldwide. But yes, Jewish women might need The Rules more because our Jewish culture is very traditional. We are both Jewish and very traditional–we believe in love/marriage, and then babies! The Rules do insure the proper order– there’s no trapping men into marriage with a pregnancy. We have old-fashioned values (family first, Friday night dinners, etc.) that are all built around having a traditional lifestyle, The Rules fits in perfectly.

 

Ms. Avi is author of the dating guide for Jewish women Secrets of Shiksa Appeal: Eight Steps to Attract Your Shul-Mate. Find out more and like her page on Facebook at Secrets of Shiksa Appeal. Available on Amazon.com in soft/hardcover and Kindle.
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39 Comments »

  • Daniel says:

    I am a man with options. Ignore my first message and you’re out forever

  • Ari says:

    The first time I read this article I thought it was satire. This should be written down as a set of rules of what exactly NOT to do. You’re basically telling women not to send any signals that they’re interested at all, which is terrible advice. There’s a difference between chasing a man and letting him know you’re interested. If a woman doesn’t reciprocate, I won’t pursue. Not returning phone calls is just plain rude. If you do that to me I’ll drop you and move right on to the next woman, if that sort of behavior is any indication of what I’m going to get in a relationship.

  • A-Guy says:

    From a guy’s perspective…
    Men will contact the most attractive, sexy, hot profiles we see..
    for the average women, as great as they may be, their best chances are to contact the guy first! or they’ll simply won’t get noticed at all.
    I skim/skip over profiles in about 5 seconds based on pics first, and if the woman is not attractive there’s no chance of me EVER contacting her as great as she may be.

    As for the whole calling/not calling back thing.. forget it, if a woman can’t show interest than why should I, got no time for games these days.
    Either you are in or in the way!

  • Quinn says:

    Read above.[James's take]. The most perfect reason to do the Rules!

    What they’ll do is weed out a guy who has you 5th on his list of priorities and fills in his “extra time” with a girl who treats herself as an accessory to a man’s very full life.

    Anti-feminist? I think not.

    It allows women to find a man who has their same goal. If you want a ‘sometimes date’ and not a relationship (as above) then be that “good for now girl”. If you’re looking for someone who wants something deeper – say someone who wants to get married and is looking for that right now- then the Rules will help you find THAT guy.

    As the guy above pointed out,a guy who just wants you as a 5th priority in his life, AFTER his gym work out if that tells you where you stand, isn’t going to pursue any woman. Perfect proof that the Rules work. When doing the Rules > this type of man doesn’t want you, and you don’t want him. Exactly how it should work. He’s avoided a girl who isn’t like-minded, and you have not pursued a man who is not able to give you what you want. (BTW not faulting James in any way, hes just clearly doesn’t have marriage on his radar yet. Nothing wrong with that. But the Rules will help him find a girl who suits him and a woman who does want marriage avoid him. Its a win-win).

    As for trickery, as someone else said, you can’t trick someone into treating you with respect or falling in love with you no matter what you do. They either do or they don’t. The Rules aren’t a way to fabricate what isn’t there; they are a way to reveal what isn’t there in the most gentle way possible for both women AND men. Again, its a win-win.

  • James says:

    I am a man, and I think many of the ‘rules’ are counter-productive. If I call a woman and she doesn’t call back, I assume one of three things: she didn’t get the voicemail (due to technician glitches, not all voicemails, emails, or text messages get delivered), she is just not interested, or she’s trying to use ‘scarcity’ tactics to try to appear less interested or more valuable. I test to find out which of the three scenarios it is by leaving one more voicemail, email, or text message. If she still doesn’t respond, I assume she’s either not interested or using ‘scarcity’/playing games. I respect myself, have a busy schedule and a lot of responsibilities. I don’t waste time with women who play games, and I also live in reality. A guy who keeps calling and emailing even if the woman doesn’t return the calls…..is a desperate stalker. A woman who doesn’t return calls is rude. Women: Be clear about what you want and don’t want. If he calls and you’re not interested, show a little respect and respond with a call, email, voicemail, or text that simply says, “I received your message, and I am not interested in dating you, but thank you nonetheless.” If you are interested in the guy, show some respect, and respond with, “I can meet at x time/ date or x time/date. If the guy is asking to meet you very last minute, consider that he might have had some time in his schedule free up at the last minute. Don’t follow some silly rule that says he has to schedule dates so many days in advance. I travel all over the US with my job. I frequently encounter flight delays and occasionally flight cancellations. When I am working locally or out of the area, sometimes my meetings with customers run short, sometimes they run long. I’m not going to make a week-night date with a woman if I think I might have to break it off due to a meeting with a customer going long. Likewise, I am not going to let the extra time that is available when I get my work done early go to waste. If I’ve already done my gym workout for the day and I’m caught up on everything else I need to do, I’m going to call one of the many women who have given me their numbers that week, and ask them to meet up with me, and it might be very last minute. If I make more than a few attempts with securing a date with a woman, I am going to delete her number and move on to the next woman. When I find the right one, and only after I have dated her long enough to know she’s the right one, I’ll start blocking out time well in advance to see her. Until then, my priorities are career, fitness, friends and family….and if there is extra time, a date here or there with a woman who doesn’t play games.

  • nkamo says:

    I suggest we women should concentrate more on our lives and stop fretting about men who don’t deserve us. We are better off with none than with slimy badgers. Ladies, let’s Follow The Rules for our hearts’ sake!

  • Marshall says:

    These two will ensure that many Jdaters will stay Jdaters for life.

  • KatHeide says:

    I think it is interesting that men and women become incensed at The Rules. It actually demonstrates to me how insecure the critics are, meaning they are afraid they will be ‘tricked’ as if anyone can REALLY be tricked about love, or that they haven’t actually read the book in its entirety.

    The Rules merely says don’t bore people with every detail of your life too soon, don’t chase people who are not attracted to you, don’t sleep with people who don’t cherish you, and let men value you by not chasing them.

    I have approached relationships both ways, being the great girlfriend who was out there, caring and open, willing to do anything for the guy, OR begin kind and nice but a bit aloof, not returning calls as much and getting really really busy in my own life.

    100% of the time, when I am more focused on maintaining The Rules, having a busy fulfilling life, and not hanging on some guy’s every move, I am treated better, and HE IS HAPPIER. He can feel that he is with a girl who has grace and dignity and her own interests.

    As I said, you can’t fake love and attraction, so there is no deception in The Rules.

    And by the way guys, if you were REALLY honest with yourself, there is a girl you know right now, who is not all open and desperate and even steven dutch treat. And she holds herself a little above the fray. And secretly you wish you knew her better, because she is a little different than the girl who blathers on and on and doesn’t really seem to have much going on but her interest in you.

    :-)

  • Carl says:

    … these “rules”, in my opinion, are very old-fashioned, inflexible, overly general … they imply that the women are “prey” to be chased, that men and women are not equals, in various areas, and lots of “if you do this, this will happen” …

  • Haj says:

    The first reaction to “the rules” these days is how anti-feminist they are.

    How did all these women forget about the “FEM” in “feminism”??!!
    It’s like they consider themselves feminists because they initiate and pursue men. Being a feminist doesn’t mean being aggressive. (Which, in the realm of dating… that’s how one is aggressive.)
    Feminist dating would definitely look more like the woman being the chase-ee and not the chase-er. How is asking a guy out who may or may not be interested, at all a feminist concept? It shows how little you care to understand that even with equal rights in society and the workplace, there is actually a difference between men and women.
    Think of men. Seriously. Think of men… And don’t kid yourself. If he’s not busy, he’ll go out and do something with you, whether or not he’s truly into you. The more you aggressively pursue, he may be flattered at first but that will eventually wear off. He’ll more than likely dump you for the one who he’s truly interested in, and is a challenge. NOTE: The more work and effort and emotion you put into it, ladies, the more devastated you’ll be.
    If a man thinks it’s pain in the assy that you’re not an easy date, that says more about him than you. To say a “wonderful man” said you were “rude, inconsiderate and full of myself” after only TWO WEEKS?? I don’t doubt he had a great profile, but he was no “wonderful man”. (Maria- May 18th comment.)

    To say it’s manipulative to not dive bomb a man for a relationship just because you like his stupid, fabricated, online dating profile, is ignorant.

    Dating isn’t a blast… but following “the rules” actually makes it more fun, less frustrating, and less pressure all around.

    PS- In response to everyone giving The Rules authors crap about divorce… their advice is about dating, not marriage. Marriage is a whole ‘nother can of worms.

  • t says:

    if every woman followed the rules…
    guys will treat wt more respect

    less unwanted pregnancies(and guys taking off on them)

    no bs games,women will be more busy and not stressing over guys who werent interested.

    there are couple of guys who are always asking me when are we going to hang out,…needless to say,we don’t..because i follow the rules and if they are not asking me out..then i KNOW they are not real all that interested

  • t says:

    I think the rules book is great.fact of it is,guys do act a certain way..yes,they go with games,YES they get scared off if you show too much interest.Be casual,and what not,the less you seem to care,they come around more…trust me,it works

  • t says:

    guys should make the moves.plain and simple.Friends have told me a guy was interested but felt i didnt have any interest.well is it my problem they didn’t make a move?nope.they didnt want to then..they had no trouble making moves elsewhere

    the best is when I ma friends with a guy and soemone says he likes me..sure he does…as a friend..if he wanted me,he would of asked me out from the get go

    I love the rules book..follow it..

  • Agnes says:

    If you don’t call back, a guy will try again by calling, texting, emailing, or Instant Messaging you.

    So you’re saying I shouldn’t look for a guy who will call me and when I call him back will be happy to hear from me, but instead look out for guys who will ignore that I’m obviously not interested and just keep trying to get in touch with me anyway: stalkers, anyone?

  • Maggie says:

    They are not both divorced? huh?

  • Jarett says:

    “Treat men like animals instead of people and you will meet the man of your dreams.” – Authors of the Rules, both of whom are divorced.

    What a pile of crap. If a woman doesn’t call me back after the first date, guess what? I figure she wasn’t interested after all and BACK OFF. You know, like a normal person.

    Ugh. If my girlfriend hadn’t shown me who she was I never would have fallen in love with her. DO NOT follow the Rules if you want a man who is deeper than a puddle.

  • Maggie says:

    P.S. Things actually change when we get married. The Rules for marriage are very different.

  • Maggie says:

    Lauren – things are different in courtship. How did your parents meet?
    There is NOTHING weak about being feminine. Biggest misconception ever! There is so much power in feminine energy. I felt weak when men had control over my emotions. Since doing TR I don’t feel this way because it’s always really clear if he likes me or not. It’s so easy. So many of my girlfriends wonder wonder wonder if the man likes them. I never do!

  • Karen Goldfarb says:

    *50s … not 60s ;)

  • Karen Goldfarb says:

    PS Ellen got over 10 years out of her marriage- before he r divorce- and is happily married again, now, and has been for years!

    She got Very famous- and he likely didn’t know what to do with himself in relation to that (I believe they divorced very soon after her rise to fame). In fact, a modern day man who Should have been happy for her- caved and went nuts..(hmmm..so you see, in Reality, he couldn’t handle this “equality”…interesting!)

    But still, 10 yeas is a lot of mileage..so hooray for her!

    Some women never get married- especially those who sleep with men too soon, hit on them and take over their gender roles.

    Hey, I know we’;re all Jews here, but there is a book called the Bible- and G-d did make man a man and woman a woman for a reason- so we can devise roles for one another that help the relationship to ebb and flow, and know what to do so we don’t butt heads all the time. It’s pretty basic. And no woman today bends over backwards in the kitchen solo- it’s just not realistic to throw these concepts back to the 60s- The rules just help create basic respect :)

    We should be happy if our children read them- then our little girls won’t be sleeping with the first 15 yr old boy they see- which IS so 2012- is that what you prefer?

  • Karen Goldfarb says:

    Wow- reading all of these comments I have to ask you to look back at previous relationships and ask yourselves- when you let it all hang out and just did whatever you wanted, did you not suffer with men taking advantage of you? I don’t know- maybe it’s me, but personally, each and every single time I either talked to a man first or showed interest, (and let me tell you I was a Maybelline Cover Girl in my teens- it’s not like I have firey breath or am a walking ham!)- they eventually- or right then and there- walked and left me embarrassed..or worse, brokenhearted. The mystery was broken- common sense guys!

    I think most of these comments are from men who are scared women who use the rules are being mean and manipulative- it’s really more about maneuvering respect for one another- and women who practice the rules hope that a man would Like a woman who can encourage a man to show up like a protective, solid man- not a “kid”like equal in the lunchroom in middle school…

    Besides, even if someone mistakenly thins they are a little manipulative, if it isn’t a little fun to play, it isn’t fun ;) (Thank you Lady Gaga lyric haha)

    But also, if you give a teenager a red sports car for no reason and he didn’t work a day for it whereas another teen has to work all summer for it, he will take care of it better.

    DUH.

    Most men grow older and more handsome (not always, but it’s a pretty fair statement to say women have more trouble as we get older and men do not since you see all these 50 yr olds with 27 yr olds- even leaving their wives for them! So I think it Is important that men take the lead and want it slightly more than the woman in the earlier period- at least, seemingly so- bc down the line, I think they have slightly more power. This is superficial-agreed- but it’s a true and harsh reality. And it’s not even the only reason – the guy also proposes, buys the ring- Not the woman- so he better be super into her and afraid to lose her on some gut level!

  • Lauren says:

    So, what I get from everything written here (even the supporters) is that women should remain the weaker, more vulnerable sex. She should sit and smile and curtsy and play coy. Then when a guy stumbles across her profile she should ignore him and act disinterested.

    Umm, okay, no!

    The guys I’ve known, including my dad, have a tendancy to take things at face value.
    -She looked at me, maybe she’s interested.
    -She’s ignoring me…guess not.

    I don’t know how many occasions my mom and I have had to flat out tell them what we wanted. Not abusively. Not by manipulation. Just “Hey, I want XYZ for dinner.” Instead of “You know what sounded good the other day when I read it in an article? XYZ. I wonder where I could get that…” I don’t find my dad to be a pushover. My brother most certainly is not. They just need more obvious information than a “hint”.

    Use my parents as an example because they have been very happily married (by both accounts) for going on 35 yrs. And get this, it’s tricky, they persued EACH OTHER. Wow. Go figure. Two people, interested in each other, took the initiative to go after the person they liked. No games. No manipulation. And it worked. They have a very equality-based relationship, I believe in part, because it started out equal.

    You get out what you put into things. You want to half-butt your relationship? Fine. Do it. You’ll wind up either still together and miserable or alone. That’s your choice. You start out with a 20/80 kind of relationship, better be prepared to keep it up. I’m sure the “Rules” do work for some people. And I sincerely hope that those people are truly happy. But I don’t see it happening. You should be yourself from the the beginning and only want to improve (I didn’t say change) for your partner and they should bring out the best in you and be themselves and want to improve themselves for you, too. How can you say that you have started an honest, open, caring, other-person-first relationship if you’re lying to get the guy? Now, if you’re a shy, non-aggressive kinda gal…you aren’t lying. And if you prefer socially aggressive men. You’ll get what you want.

    The blanket statements of the “Rules” disallow different personalities to shine. They do take you back to submissive 1950′s roles of women. So I say the women who wrote the “Rules” she wipe ‘em off the chalkboard and start over! They need to remember that we may be created equally, but we aren’t the same. No one thing is going to work for everyone (even two happy people persuing each other fails on occasion).

    And as for Jewish women needing the “Rules” more…our religion and culture teaches us that women are equal to and have just as many rights as men. To replace that teaching with deception and lies just to gain a mate, is lowering yourself. It’s desperate. The quote that says “you must truly love yourself before you can truly love another” also means you have to be honest, with yourself and everyone else. Desperate actions and deception do not show a woman who is equal to a man, but one who thinks so little of herself that she must lie.

    I feel sad for all of the 50/50 relationships that might have been if it hadn’t been for the “Rules”. For all those women who sacrificed their belief in themselves to bow down to mediocrity. And for all the perfectly good men who just want to be persued a little!

    In this case “the ‘Rules’ were meant to be broken”!

  • Maggie says:

    I am a RULES GIRL! Before the Rules I pursued men and it NEVER worked. Men will absolutely call you if they are interested and the advice Sherrie & Ellen give is totally relevant for dating today. I have ‘field tested’ their advice and my dating and relationship experiences have been far more satisfying. “Love only those who love you”. How is that possibly anti-feminist? Most people miss the point with The Rules. Dating is different than the Board Room. BELIEVE ME ladies, you all know you want a chivalrous man, but you have to AllOW men to be chivalrous.

    Those who disagree with the Rules always obsess on the fact that we don’t initiate a phone call or we don’t accept a last minute date. I say we need to look at that positively. Most of us would not accept late night meetups with our girlfriends, why do we accept ‘booty calls’ from men? We have boundaries with our women friends that we throw out the window when a nice looking man comes along. It looks desperate.

    The rules are NOT convincing a man that we aren’t interested in him. NO! We let a man know we are interested – when he asks us out. We let a man know we are interested by returning Emails. What we DON’T do is overwhelm a man and send him running for the hills with all of our issues and baggage and life stories before we’ve even met him.

    Please tell me how the following rules are anti-feminist or bad dating advice:

    Don’t rush in to sex
    Don’t tell him what to do (this simply doesn’t work, if you want a man to go right, tell him to go left. lolo
    Accentuate the positive in your personals ad
    Slowly involve him in your family (single mom’s should protect their children right?)
    Love only those who love you
    Be easy to live with
    Don’t waste time on fantasy relationships (how man women think the first man who replies to their email MUST be the one?)
    If he doesn’t call you, He’s not that interested, period!

    the Rules protect us from un-necessary heartbreak, it just DOES.
    We need more rules women!

  • Maria says:

    One more thing I want to add: to John on May 17 that is absolutely what one wonderful gentleman I met online said to me after two weeks of following the “Rules”, that I was rude, inconsiderate and full of myself.

  • Maria says:

    I am 50 yrs old and tried these “Rules” to a tee. What happened? Most guys were completely turned off by my “hard to get” game.

    Honesty was the best advice I ever had! Now I am dating the best guy ever who respects me, calls me every day, we BOTH plan the dates, and best of all, we both enjoy being together as much as possible!

    Hard to get got me nowhere. Pure honesty got me the best dates ever!

  • Rhonda Freeman says:

    The Rules – here is wisdom :) Unless all you are looking for is a friendship with a man then don’t do The Rules. If you want something more then do The Rules as they are written.

  • Rose Red says:

    First, I am so surprised that Dr Ali Binazir came her to trash the ladies of The Rules -no cool, Dr. -your bashing is so surprising considering all that “Goddess” talk you do!

    I’ve tried it all… Dr.Evan Katz, The Rules, Baggage Reclaim, David Wyant, etc.

    Women making the first move online? Dicey! All the women that I know, who made the first move online then later asked their men to marry them – they are deeply unhappy and complain about their husbands!

    I use a combo of The Rules, Evan Marc Katz and David Wyant.

    I woud N E V E R make the first move online! I do bash lashes, flirt, smile and sit near men in real life. I’m a RULES GIRL!

    Men have a type they know what they want. Online, can tell that I’ve seen their profile, isn’t that enough of a show of interest? Yes!

    I’ve been married -too young and YES ex hubs made the first move.
    Not wanting re-marriage, I’ve enjoyed 2 long monogamous relationships where THE MAN MADE THE FIRST MOVE.

    To me, lazy men want to be chased till they find a woman worth chasing and again, SHAME ON YOU. DR. ALI for trashing the Rules ladies. Tsk!!

  • John says:

    Great strategy! First, convince him you are not interested. Don’t return phone calls, emails, etc. Convince him you are impossibly rude and inconsiderate. Then wonder where he went.

  • EG says:

    I actually followed the rules to the letter, and I am an avid feminist!
    My husband found me on JDate, contacted me, and we met soon after. The rest is history!
    Besides the fact that I completely trust my husband and his principled character, I know he will never be interested in any other woman because he invested quite a bit of effort in pursuing me, thanks to The Rules.

    For me it is about the Tao- let things happen to you. Don’t interfere with how the nature is going to work out.

  • Ross says:

    I discussed “The Rules” in a dating forum I did a while back. One woman said “If you were treated like this in a work environment, you’d sue or quit. In the boardroom, I’m confident, I know my value, and yet make sure that I never come off as arrogant. I prefer to date the way, and if a man, (or a boss) has an issue with a confident woman, that’s his issue not mine.

    The ONLY benefit that I see to the rules is that he’s got to put in the effort. But there’s a simple answer to that… Still make him put in the effort anyway. If he isn’t the one planning the dates, that’s a warning sign… If he isn’t calling you, that’s a warning sign. Then again, if you don’t pick up the phone, or reply back, or make yourself available when he asks you out on a proper date, he’s going to find someone who isn’t such a pain in the butt.

  • I have been a fan of The Rules for about 10 years and am glad to know they are coming out with a new book. The Rules aren’t about hiding your true self or being submissive, but rather weeding out men who may not be truly interested or who may take you for granted. My personal experience is that they WORK. I met my husband doing The Rules and most men I dated when I did not do The Rules ended up being a mistake that I could trace back to breaking Rules! I think there is definitely wiggle room within the Rules but the main premise is a good one- let men who find you interesting and attractive come to you and pursue the relationship! Doing the Rules makes it easy to see when a man just isn’t that into you so you can move on and find someone who is!

    My 2 cents :)

  • Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, whose main qualification as authors is that they have two X chromosomes, have perpetuated one of the worst frauds against womankind by writing ‘The Rules’. It’s interesting that even though Fein got divorced in 2001 after saying things like “a Rules marriage is forever”, she still has the gall to hold her head up and write about dating and relationships. That’s a bit like a driver’s ed instructor continuing to teach after totaling his car in a drunk-driving accident. As far as being translated into 27 languages goes — McDonald’s is in 118 countries and sells millions every day, and it’s still poisonous dreck that no one in her right mind should put into her body, ever. The lowest common denominator is often low indeed.

    ‘The Rules’ is basically the Big Mac of dating books. Yes, there may be a single slice of potentially nutritious tomato in there somewhere, but it’s embedded within all the other crap that goes into a Big Mac. The silly games that Fein and Schneider advocate imply that a woman has no power outside of being manipulative and devious. Nothing could be further from the truth. A woman’s true power is in her compassion, her kindness, her ability to elevate those around her — in a word, her radiance. That’s the kind of power that is its own reward, and one that cannot be taken away from you, even if he never calls back.

    So ladies — avoid ‘The Rules’ like the bubonic plague, and you’ll be much better off. And boys – walk away if you ever catch a whiff of anyone trying to deploy ‘The Rules’ on you. There is a place for real connection and sincere communication in this world, and both men and women are absolutely entitled to it.

    – Ali Binazir, MD MPhil, author of ‘The Tao of Dating: The Smart Woman’s Guide to Being Absolutely Irresistible’, the #1-rated dating self-help book on Amazon (4.9/5.0 stars)

  • Sarah says:

    While a few of the “Rules” are common sense (“Don’t date married men”), the underlying philosophy is APPALLING. The “Rules” ask me as a woman to sacrifice my integrity, hide my intelligence, and continuously manipulate another person’s feelings when deliberately doing so is completely against Jewish teachings taken as a whole. I admit that “Rules” based game-playing may selectively attract a certain kind of Jewish man — happily a small minority — but gals, beware a fragile sense of manhood! (In fact, research on violence against women consistently shows that men with rigid, inequitable gender identities are much more likely to engage in abusive behaviors). Some people praise the “Rules” for slowing down relationships: well, here is good advice for BOTH parties: listen, don’t just talk; try to sense how the other person feels before deciding whether or how to reveal your own feelings; get to know people slowly and in depth; maintain healthy boundaries; and don’t hop right into the sack unless that is all you ever want.

  • Sarah says:

    While a few of the “Rules” are common sense (“Don’t date married men”), the underlying philosophy is APPALLING. The “Rules” ask me as a woman to sacrifice my integrity, hide my intelligence, and continuously manipulate another person’s feelings when deliberately doing so is completely against Jewish teachings taken as a whole. I admit that “Rules” based game-playing may selectively attract a certain kind of Jewish man — happily a small minority — but gals, beware a fragile sense of manhood! (In fact, research on violence against women consistently shows that men with rigid, inequitable gender identities are much more likely to engage in abusive behaviors). Are a few loosely “Rules” derived ideas good advice? YES, but they go for BOTH parties: listen, don’t just talk; try to sense how the other person feels before deciding whether or how to reveal your own feelings; get to know people slowly and in depth; maintain healthy boundaries; and don’t hop right into the sack unless that is all you ever want. The rest is dangerous dreck!

  • Jordana says:

    If I hadn’t emailed my husband first on JDate, I never would have met him, we wouldn’t have married and wouldn’t be expecting our second child in October. This is TERRIBLE advice. Ladies, be who you are (men too!). If you pretend to be someone you aren’t, you may “get the guy” but I promise you will never ever be happy. To thine own self be true.

    http://www.jdate.com/jmag/2010/09/jordana-and-jon/

  • Adam says:

    Hey Guys,

    I am an author on dating and relationship skills and have coached men and women all over the world. I’m also a former Stanford Humanities Fellow and a bunch of other things and I have to tell you that their book, The Rules, stands out for me as the worst possible advice for women I’ve ever seen.

    Any man who is semi-conscious will be aware within seconds of the manipulative trickery they counsel. The Rules is nothing but a way to “trap” men who believe they have no choice, who do not have an abundance mindset and lifestyle, into desperately clasping onto the last perceived, if predatory, female on Earth.

    Men – the world is full of wonderful, loving, straight-forward, beautiful women – many of them on JDate! – and when you have the skills and the choice of women that skills bring, you will never fall for this kind of trickery.

    Adam Gilad
    http://www.ApproachConnectInspire.com

  • Ross says:

    Really. We should create a JDate1950′s version or something like that. This type of logic only works well for those women seeking a Dom / Sub type relationship. If a man is put off by the fact that you thought he was attractive and interesting enough to break the standard social mores and reach out to him first — then he’s an IDIOT.

    Now, that said, He does need to grow a pair, set up and show he’s a proper gentleman by planning the date, being respectful, paying for the first (and most early dates), etc.

    If you reach out to him, and he gives you full control, well, then you know the type of relationship you’re in for. And, if you’re looking to have a hubby that you can control easily, well, you found him !

    If my wife had played by these rules and acted so demurely both online and in person, I would have said “next.” I was looking for a true partner, and that’s exactly who I found, and I’m grateful every single day that she stepped out of the “comfort zone.”

    My “rules for online dating”: 1) don’t lie 2) treat people with respect 3) have fun.

  • ALH says:

    I agree with Albert. This post is rather sad. Being a direct, honest woman has suited me just fine, in online dating and outside of it. I’d be embarrassed to follow such manipulative and infantile guidelines.

  • Albert says:

    This is ludicrous. These two women should be chastised for setting back women’s rights. “Don’t answer a guy’s ad?” Good job perpetuating outdated games that will cause nothing more than frustration for those who play them. JDate should be ashamed for promoting this drivel.

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