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The Hottest Date I’ve Ever Had

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The weekend had arrived, romance was in the air, and after several hard days at work, I was so in the mood for love. I was looking good, feeling good, had a wallet filled with cash, and was ready, willing and able to do anything my hot, beautiful date desired. Life was filled with sweet potential. There was just one tiny problem – I didn’t have a hot, beautiful date. Despite all the bounty on JDate, I didn’t have a date, period. I was the sequel to Sleepless in Seattle. I was Dateless in Los Angeles.

While being dateless on the weekend is not an unusual state of affairs for a single person in a big city, I just didn’t feel like surrendering to the standard carryout food and video option. I wanted to go out. I wanted to have some fun; and not with my male friends, commiserating about how hard it is to meet someone. Oh, sure, there were my platonic female friends, but I wanted romance. There were bars and parties and dances, but I’m not a bars and parties and dances kind of guy. There were escort services, but I wanted to be with someone who wanted to be with me, not someone who was being paid to be with me. Unless, of course, it was Salma Hayek, but she has yet to respond to my offers of payment.

That’s when the solution occurred to me. And it was one that, strangely enough, I’d never even considered before. It was this: I would ask out someone I knew would be available, knew everything about, was good looking, healthy, had a wonderful personality, shared all my interests, was romantic and passionate, and was really fun to be with. That’s right, my plan was to ask out the only person I knew who fit those qualifications and was available – I planned to ask myself out on a date.

Sure, I understood that there would be certain limitations, but any person you meet has certain limitations. I understood that some people wouldn’t approve, but, hey, I’m not dating for their approval; I’m dating to make myself happy. Besides, think of all the money I’d be saving. And if it didn’t work out, it was just one night, anyway. My mind was made up. I would focus all my romantic energies on — me.

I spent the next several hours trying to figure out the exact words, the perfect way, to ask myself out. It had to be just the right mixture of sincerity, confidence, attraction and humor. After all, I didn’t want to alienate myself right from the start. I wanted to set the right tone. So I prepared my approach, waited ‘til just the right moment when I knew I’d be in a good mood and receptive, and made my move.

I asked myself out and, to my delight, I accepted the invitation. I was dizzy with the evening’s possibilities. My friend Ron called to see if I wanted to grab a burger and commiserate about how hard it is to meet someone, but I told him I already had a hot date for the night. He asked if it was a sure thing. I said I could pretty much count on it. Boy was he envious! I shaved, showered, brushed my teeth, used mouthwash (twice!), and put on my best cologne and sexiest clothing that was soft to the touch. Oh, yeah, I was ready.

At my favorite Italian restaurant, I requested an out-of-the-way table so I’d have some privacy with myself. Things got off to an awkward start; after all, this was our first date. But I managed to break the ice with a rather amusing story about one of my co-workers, and before long, I was chattering away with myself as though we’d been friends for a lifetime. During the meal, my chemistry with myself was so strong that I scarcely noticed anyone else in the restaurant. We were in our own private world. I gave myself playful little touches and at one point, just before dessert, even played footsie with myself under the table, giggling like a schoolgirl.

The rest of the evening seemed to fly by. I found I had even more in common with myself than I’d imagined. We talked about our plans for the future, our hopes, our dreams, our fears. There was a real connection. Back home, I dimmed the lights, put on some smooth, romantic music, poured us both some wine, and lit a candle. No words were exchanged, no words were necessary, but we both realized what was about to happen, and we both wanted it. It was a magical, remarkable evening of love, and I learned that it is true what they say – sometimes you don’t realize that your perfect romantic partner is right in front of your own nose.

It’s always very flattering to me when I hear something appreciative from my romantic partner the morning after a particularly wonderful evening of love. So, I’d like to share with you the email I received from myself the next day:

“Mark, I just wanted you to know how very special and wonderful our time together last night was for me. As you know, as difficult as it is to meet someone you like well enough to ask out on a date, it’s even more so to find a really deep romantic connection with someone. I felt we had that connection. Not to give you a swelled head, but I’ve never encountered someone who was so warm, giving, intelligent, interesting, — in short, so amazing. It’s no wonder our chemistry was so electric and so mind-blowing. If last night was a dream, I pray that I never wake up. All I know for sure is that I can’t wait to be with you again, to experience the magic that we make together, to give myself to you totally: body and soul. I want you. Passionately — Mark.”

I’m not one to kiss and tell, but I will say that we’ve been together about seven months now, and, well, if loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right.

Mark Miller is a marketing specialist, current JDate member, Facebook fanatic and comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.
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8 Comments »

  • Alan says:

    H the way, Susie what are you doing Saturday night?

  • Alan says:

    Dear Mark, or is it Marks,

    You don’t deserve your critics’ caustic comments but maybe you should be on Self-date instead of Jdate??

  • Susie says:

    This story if you can call it such was sooooooooo incredibly stupid, no offense of course. What I was expecting was some interesting perspective about men and dating!!! What I got while wasting my time reading this wacknoness, no offense of course, was some guy going on a date with himself and then responding to himself about the great date he had with himself. I have this vision that Mark is producing a blow up doll of himself thinking he will have so many women after him that he has to mass market himself in a doll version so there will be more of him to go around. Jdate, are you so hard up for stories that you had to put this in your column? Jdate, do you think that article would entice me to look around your site for men like this….hey wait, let me ask myself and my other self if we should go male window shopping on Jdate. We both said, no thanks!

  • Deborah says:

    This is one of the funniest and most delightful things I’ve read in a while — laughed out loud several times. Thanks! Gotta go — I’m waiting for myself at a restaurant and I don’t want to be late:)

  • Penny says:

    This is so delusional, and so sad. I don’t know what it all means, but even though loving yourself is a good idea, dating yourself is just silly!

  • Judy Cohen Wilson says:

    This is a great story. I hope he finds a real alive girl out there. There surely are a lot of them, including me. But I am most likely too old unless Mark likes older women. I am a mother and grandmother, but very young at heart and in very good shape. If you are interested in an older woman who is in very good shape and has a zest for life, pleast E-mail me. My family name is Cohen so that tells you what tribe I am from.
    If you think I am too old for you, please pass my name – Judy Cohen Wilson, on to someone who might be interested in an older woman who is in very good shape, normal weight, with pratically no medical problems.
    My E-mail is: juwilson@cox.net.

    Thank you for your interest in me. Judy Cohen Wilson

  • hollace juster says:

    You’re an idiot. Probably a sweet one but the term still stands.

  • Joanne says:

    Great story Mark! I hope you will be very happy together and wish you the best. Thank you for some great lines to pass On!

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