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Why Didn’t My Amazing Date Ever Call?

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Dear Rabbi Singer,

I recently went out on a first date that lasted till 3 am. We had soooo much to talk about and share. Now it’s 8 days later and I haven’t heard a peep from him, although I see that he’s still active on JDate. Any ideas why this happens?  I think it’s quite common.

-Why The Silence?


Dear Iris,

Saying that your situation is quite common is the understatement of the century! I don’t know if there are official statistics, but I would guess that at least one out of four first dates results in the woman feeling dazed and confused. Did anyone get the license plate of that hit and run?!

The real, and most helpful, answer to your query is this: it doesn’t really matter why it happened. The fact is that it did happen and it should now be clear to you that this guy is not interested in dating you. In other words, it’s time for you to move on and stop wasting your precious time and emotional energy struggling to accomplish the impossible. And what if you do figure it out, then what? Will anything change? You’ll still be single and he’ll still be unavailable. So why bother with this mental and emotional exercise in futility?

I know, you’re still trying to figure out why he seemed so into you on the date but then never called, so here are some possible reasons that will hopefully give you some measure of closure and allow you to move onwards and upwards:

1. He loved talking to you but wasn’t attracted to you romantically (maybe he’s into really ugly women).

2. He’s interested in someone else that he met before or after your date.

3. He’s more interested in the flirting game than in actually dating.

4. He enjoyed the conversation but just didn’t feel that you were right for him (I’m sure you’ve felt that way too).

I could go on creating possible reasons for why a guy might enjoy your company but not want to date you, but does it really matter? The only thing that matters right now is for you to throw this guy out of your brain and find a guy who does want to see you again and again.

Good luck!

Rabbi Arnie Singer dated for 15 years before meeting his Bashert. He is currently a dating and relationship coach in Manhattan and the founder of Jcoach.com
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  • I think it’s plain RUDE not to basically at least email the person you went out with and let them know that it’s not going to go any further. I never EVER want to put anyone through the agony of sitting there thinking -logically and understandably- that if we had a good date we are going to go forth and continue on this path. Now, I try and be as diplomatic as possible, but you must must must give the person closure. Don’t waste their time and think that’s it’s OK to just disregard anyone’s feeling by just disheartening without a trace.

  • Edward says:

    Believe it or not, this situation even happens to guys. About a few weeks ago I went out with a girl and it seemed like it went pretty well. We were out for a few hours, and I even asked her if we could go out on a second date and she said yes. So, I wait a few days after the date because I knew we were both busy and would make plans when we both were available. I called her and left a voicemail, no response. I wait until a week later, thinking maybe she just forgot or something came up, I will give her the benefit of the doubt. I call again, voicemail, no response till this day.

    It is hard to cut your losses, especially you seemingly have something with, doesnt end up working out. But you have to move on, I myself have emailed people since, and already am in contact with someone for a date soon.

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