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TV Show Pickup Lines

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Autumn is on the horizon, and if you’re like me, you’re hotly anticipating the fall premieres of some of your favorite shows. So what do you do when you’re at a friend’s viewing party and you’ve got your eye on a cute, single acquaintance who also happens to love your favorite show as much as you do? You whip out a cheesy pick-up line, of course! And we’ve got a list that’s guaranteed to get you through some of the most popular shows on the fall slate (or get you slapped – it’s all in the delivery).

 

Sons of Anarchy (premieres 9/11) – Jax Teller and the gang are back this fall for the fifth season of FX’s biker hit. So how do you rope in that potential “old lady” you’ve got your eye on? Try cruising with one of these lines:

“My engine is overheating just standing near you.”

“If you’re too good for 99 percent of guys, that’s cool, because I’m a one-percenter.”

“I see you’re into anarchy. I’d love to get wild with you.”

 

How I Met Your Mother (premieres 9/24) – CBS’s critically acclaimed sitcom is back for its 8th (!) season this fall. Will we find out how Ted Mosby meets the mother of his kids? Finally? The more important question is, how do you woo your own baby mama?

“This might sound crazy, but I just had a flash-forward to us falling in love and getting married.”

“The story I tell our future kids about this moment will be legen- wait for it…”

“Have you ever licked the Liberty Bell?”

“Haaave you met me?

 

New Girl (premieres 9/25) – Zooey Deschanel is back in the sophomore season of Fox’s comedy! And she’s single in real life this year, after splitting from husband Ben Gibbard. Now, getting a date with Deschanel might be a bit of a stretch, but you can always snag your own New Girl with one of these lines:

“I noticed you’re a fan of Zooey Deschanel. Would you like to play my ukulele?”

“Who’s that girl (or boy)?” It’s you as my new main squeeze.

“You’re wild, but I’d never White Fang you.”

 

Private Practice (premieres 9/25) – The popular Grey’s Anatomy spinoff is back for a sixth season on ABC, though without Tim Daly. This may be the last go around for Addison Montgomery and crew, but it’s not too late to find yourself a girl or guy with whom you can play doctor:

“I don’t have to be a medical professional to diagnose you with an extreme case of sexy.”

“I’m not a doctor, but I’d sure love to give you a physical exam.”

“I’ve got a fever, and the only prescription is more of what you’ve got, baby.”

 

Modern Family (premieres 9/26) – ABC’s smash hit returns this fall, and seems sure to garner more awards for its hilarious cast. If you need to get your own Modern Family started, you might try using a line on your potential Sofia Vergara:

“Are you single? Because I’d love to start a non-nuclear family with you.”

“I’d love to be the Diet Pepsi to your Sofia Vergara.”

“I’m not Colombian, but I can tell you’re caliente.”

 

The Big Bang Theory (premieres 9/27) – The nerdiest sitcom on TV is back this fall on CBS, to the delight of scientists and fanboys (and girls) everywhere. So how do you snag your own physicist?

“Let’s get together and test the Big Bang Theory.”

“I wish I was an ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.”

“I might be going on a tangent, but would you like to be the Sine to my Cosine?”

 

Grey’s Anatomy (premieres 9/27) – Shonda Rhimes’ venerable medical drama is back for its 9th season on ABC this fall. Whether a character will have magic ghost sex this season is anyone’s guess, but after eight years, original ideas can be hard to come by. Here’s a fresh way to get your own date in an emergency:

“You’d better be a cardiologist, because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.”

“Are you a Grey’s Anatomy fan? Because you’re definitely McDreamy.”

“Will you be my person?”

 

Revenge (premieres 9/30) – We know the summer season’s over, but you can still have fun in the Hamptons watching ABC’s Revenge, the show that makes it okay to hate rich people. If you want to hook a girl who won’t betray you, you might want to give one of these Revenge-themed pick-up lines a shot:

“Revenge is a dish best served cold; my love on the other hand, is best served hot and steamy.”

“Can I show you my Long Island?”

 

The Walking Dead (premieres 10/14) – Surviving the Zombie apocalypse is tough, but surviving a relationship can be even harder — just ask Shane. The Walking Dead returns this fall on AMC, and promises more thrills, more gore and more Michonne!

“I’m digging your body, but what really turns me on are your brainssssss!”

“I’d like to love you until un-death do us part.”

“Is that rigor mortis setting in, or are you just happy to see me?”

 

Happy Endings (premieres 10/23) – The ensemble comedy returns to ABC this fall for its third season. And if you want to feel old, remember that it’s Damon Wayans JUNIOR starring in the show about Chicago couples doing their thing in the windy city. Try getting your own happily ever after with a good pickup line:

“Looking for your happy ending? Let me show you the way.”

“I think you’re totally ah-mah-zing!”

“Hey baby, wanna twirl with me?”

Jonathan Maseng is a Los Angeles based screenwriter and journalist. He is a frequent contributor to the LA Jewish Journal, and his work has appeared in publications around the globe. His mother would like him to find a nice Jewish girl — he’s still looking.
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