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The Biggest Dating Turnoff

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There is one dating turnoff that kills more potential relationships than any known to man. Even worse, millions of men across the world are committing this deadly sin every single day. The question is, are you guilty of this mistake?

The sin in question involves men who give up their confident status in order to win over the approval of a female. I am talking about men who give up all their “manliness” in an attempt to make women like them. These are men who become complete pushovers in every aspect of their dating lives. They let the females they are trying to date make every single decision. These men communicate to women that lady in the relationship is always in control, always decides what the couples will do, and will get what she wants no matter what. The man makes it look like he’s letting this happen because he’s a nice guy and he really like the girl.

In my opinion, the only problem with this is that women HATE this type of behavior more than anything. Nothing turns a woman off more than dating a man who turns into a total wuss in an attempt to impress a woman.

The logic behind acting this way is faulty on many levels. Many men think if they act nice enough, do anything a woman wants, and shower her with compliments, their date will eventually surrender emotionally and become attracted to them. This is not how attraction works.

Attraction is something that human beings feel on an unconscious level. We need to make women FEEL this attraction by writing our profiles and emails properly, as well as communicating the right way over the phone, and on our dates with our bodies and words. Trying to convince a woman to feel attracted to us by being super nice and doing everything she wants, will do nothing.

Women are attracted to men who are strong-minded, confident, and know how to take charge when the situation calls for it (as long as these qualities are not taken to overbearing extremes).

Think about the last time you may have made a small mistake with a prospective date.  Let’s take a look at an example by analyzing the act of asking a woman out on the phone:

Did you confidently tell your date where you were going to go on your date? Or did you ask her what type of food she prefers and question her about her favorite restaurants?

It’s okay to pry for a little information. After all, we don’t want to take a woman who is a vegetarian to a steak house! Still, once you have a little bit of info, just make the decision.

You need to get in the habit of making decisions, taking charge, and showing confidence. Guys who completely give up their status for women will never build the attraction they want. And even if the girl does still go out with you, the respect and level of attraction will never be as high as it could be! The process of being successful all begins with learning to build attraction.

For more free advice on building attraction, check out GetREALDates online dating tips where you can find plenty of free articles from Joshua Pompey.  You can also sign up for two free chapters of his latest dating guide: The REAL Online Game Series.
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14 Comments »

  • Janda says:

    Folks, aren’t we talking about taking the physical or sexual initiative here really and beating about the proverbial bush calling it restaurant choice? Being asked what restaurant I want to go to is expected.

    Having to take the initiative romantically is not expected…actually part of human courtship does indeed involve the male setting the rhythm a bit faster than the female may have expected…of course, this male is a gentleman who would respond to an objection by backing off.

  • Shaindy says:

    This is SO true! If men had more confidence and were not such pushovers,I would get a lot less frustrated and bored with all these guys who think they need to completely hand over their manhood in order to impress a girl! Happens way to often, and is such a turn off! Man up, people! This does not mean you should be a controlling a-hole. Just be a little more assertive and do not be scared to have opinions and a personality of your own!
    This article was so eloquently written and the author really has a grasp on the problem at hand. Props!

  • Deb says:

    WOW…..I am surprised by the true subject of this article. My main problem with almost all of the men that I have met on the site is that they are at a different level in their lives, and are not forward about it from the beginning. Many of them live with their parents, and are not earning enough to live on their own and are not forthright with this information.
    After reading this article, I do believe that a potential mate should always be his or her self. If you are a confident person, do not let your confidence wane to try and win a potential relationship. It is living a lie, and sooner or later it will blow up in the relationship. I have made it a point to compromise on decisions made in my relationships, but to always be true to who I am and what I believe in and to not take on the personality of who I am with to win them over. If someone truly wants to be with you, they will accept you as you are.

  • Jay says:

    There is a school of thought and I think it holds some merit that you should not listen to women about what they find attractive in a man. That is because attraction is a subconscious and hardwired by million of years of evolution. Women often speak with forked tongue, they want to be treated as an equal , they want equal pay and equal authority… remember the feminist movement? I was in the dog park one day and chatting with the local females about dating. I asked about who should pay for the date. They replied unanimously the man should , that’s his job the word they used was “manning up” Its not that women cant pay or make their own decisions or do the driving its that subconsciously they generally want to be lead and protected by the man. It made sense when we were neanderthals and the toughest guy protected the woman and her children from the tiger or the bear. It doesn’t make sense now but that’s irrelevant…. its hardwired into the female brain. I can’t tell you how how may women I have met that complained their last husband was pushy and even abusive. Then why did they pick that man to be their husband and why did they stay with him for a decade.. there must have been something about the caveman mentality that attracted them.

  • Neal says:

    Interestingly, my last g/f was a Latina whose attitude was, when I asked her what she wanted to do/where to go she said plainly, “You’re the man: You make the decision about this; I am happy to be with you.” These were the exact words out of her mouth…yes, my Americano Jewish eyes kinda popped open…always thought input was preferable and acceptable. This was a big attitude change–to this very day I’m a little confused about it.

  • Another Joe says:

    This article is not way off base in outlining the problem of relationship dynamics, but as a guy I don’t either think women want someone who displays machismo through a wall of confidence.

    The crux of the issue of “wussy” dating stems from the fact that when a woman doesn’t really like a guy, there’s nothing he can do to change that. Acting slavish and sycophantic will get some women to continue dating guys for a short while because of the sheer flattery; the same happens with men who meet women who try too hard. In the end these cloying, miserably imbalanced attractions tank.

    When a woman does like the guy however, he will find he doesn’t need to overdo things. But asking about her date preferences will not threaten her perception of his manliness, nor will being kind to her. My way or the highway, and other such extremism never works for long term happiness.

  • Why can’t a man be considerate but at the same time decisive? I think a lot of this “battle of the sexes” stuff is misguided. Having a good connection is much better than merely impressing someone. Things work out better when the two of you create an unforgettable experience together instead of the man making all the decisions and the woman going along with everything.

    That said, I think what the columnist meant to emphasize is that women aren’t attracted to men who are pushovers. Being considerate is good, but being meek and not having an opinion of your own is not. It makes you uninteresting and boring. A man’s supposed to have a little edge. A woman is supposed to have some sass. The trouble starts when the man’s not decisive or the woman’s completely intractable.

  • Joe says:

    Sorry Alina, but while you disagree with the blogger, at the same time you state that your former boyfriend displayed this attitude. Unless you dated him just once, it appears that his “my way or the highway attitude” worked.

  • James says:

    Notice who all of the above comments are from. WOMEN.

    Women are always giving destructive advice. Meanwhile when they get put in these situations they act differently then they think they would.

    And the few women that don’t are rare. Not to sound mean or anything but only certain types of women act this way. WHen you get older though its a different story.

  • Stephanie says:

    Columnist is way off base! (Too many typos or grammatical errors, too!) It’s always nice to be asked about dining and date preferences!! A weak male? No. . . Considerate!

  • Heather says:

    Like the above comment, Alina, and could not agree more. We are attracted to confidence in a man, yes. But I think the columnist confuses confidence and the ability to be decisive and take charge on occasion with …. plain old lack of consideration/selfishness. The latter (failure to ask a woman what she’s in the mood for, what type of food she would like, if there’s any place she has been wanting to go, etc.) is a red flag for me. It is all too common on today’s dating scene and right up there with asking a woman out for “drinks” – at the dinner hour (do men think we don’t eat?) If you don’t want to commit to dinner on a first date, it’s much more considerate to ask a woman for after-work drinks or coffee in the afternoon, not at 8pm. (The latter being an hour we would typically not be all “put together,” especially on a weeknight). That’s the sort of thing you would expect a man to realize, but unfortunately, too many don’t. To me, it is comparable to accepting an early date with a man you aren’t sure yet if you are truly interested in, ordering the most expensive thing on the menu, and barely eating. It is inconsiderate and rude.

    I think I know what he’s getting at, however; it’s a turnoff to both men and women when individuals seem to have no opinions or wants of their own, sort of like the kid who, when asked what she or he wants to do, consistently says, “whatever you want to do.” That is a turnoff because it places the entire responsibility of driving the plans/relationship onto you and reflects a lack of confidence.

    But that kind of wishy washiness is distinct from genuine consideration for another human being–something which is always a turn on, and in fact, as Alina states, a requirement for any successful long-term relationship.

    Personally, I’d love for the next man who asks me out to ask, “What kind of food do you like?’”
    or “Are there any restaurants you’ve been wanting to try?” He doesn’t have to agree to my first choice, but it would be nice to have the discussion.

  • Alina says:

    Sadly, this has no logic. Why would someone try to act as some inconsiderable jerk and hope to gain the attraction of a woman and her desire to be in a partnership? “My way, or highway…” my former(!) boyfriend was used to saying. I could never understand why would someone demonstrate so bluntly his lacking logic that calls for the cooperation and respect, in order to make any partnership work, especially a close relationship. After reading this post, I only wonder, if that was the same type of attitude about asserting the wimpy male ego. Contrary, a truly confident man has a lot to “give up” in his comfort zone and turn it into “a comfort zone for both”. A real partner-to-be does not feel hurt by allowing a woman to make the described choices for dining, not to mention – other more important choices that may follow, if she would feel comfortable to move forward. The described advise simply reveals the need to work on boosting the self-image and self-esteem of a guy, who needs to grow up and turn into a reasonable man from a tantrum-ruled baby-boy.

    Although this sounds a bit brainy, practically speaking, this comes down to being a noble gentleman. It is easier, if a guy is brought up this way with the habits that are different from caveman mentality, following the father model. But, I think that through conscious persistent effort, this can become a second nature for someone, who is trying to evolve.

    The well-known “commit the random acts of kindness” or “do a mitzvah” is another way of heading the right direction. Positive change is refreshing and helps building new brain neurons, if enough challenge is mastered. Don’t give up on your personal growth – keep trying, yes, it can be done! Be fearless of the positive change!

  • Jack Snow says:

    Wow! Thanks Joshua for this lovely and great dating tips. If is really very grateful to me.

  • Rachel says:

    You couldn’t be more right about this article Joshua. Guys ALWAYS ruin things when they start moving the relationship to fast. Just find a happy medium!

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