This Valentine’s Day, Take a New Approach to Dating
Be “Here” on Valentine’s Day
People speak for one of two reasons, or they don’t speak. They speak to either reveal something, or to conceal something. Pay attention to yourself when you speak. Observe whether you’re speaking to reveal something about yourself, or to conceal something you’re thinking or feeling. The tool of observation is a beautiful tool of service to you and those around you. Think about it – “serve” is even part of the word “observe.”
I often talk to my students about H-E-A-R-ing vs. H-E-R-E-ing. To HEAR someone is to listen with your mind. The mind listens through the filter of its history, which is made up of the moments of the past that make up who you are and what you react to in the present. Those moments are the ones that have us say, “I’ll never do that again” or “I know what that means now.” Ever wondered why you always get into the same fights with your boyfriends or girlfriends? Or perhaps you question why you can’t seem to make it to date number three when you really like someone? We wonder why our communication is off, or why we are misunderstood.
To HERE someone is to understand from a place of knowing — not a place where you think you know. There is a big difference between the two. To “think you know” something means you’re up in your mind figuring it out. But if you’re up in your mind figuring it out, you aren’t in your heart. “Knowing” lives in the art of pure and complete empathy for the world around you. This place exists in our hearts, not our intellects. Science tells us we cannot be in two places at once. A place of “knowing” means you’re in your heart — open to what comes, as it comes — knowing that this moment is always for you so that you may learn from it and grow from it. You may think, okay that sounds nice, Candace, but how does one do that?
Let’s say that you’re out to dinner on Valentine’s Day and your significant other brings up a topic that you don’t like. Instead of getting defensive and firing back with anger or hurt, ask yourself, “Why am I upset right now?” “Why do I feel this bothers me?” Anger and hurt are cut offs; indicators that you’ve hit your maximum capacity for what you can handle in that moment. Instead of thinking, “This is real. He/she is doing this TO me,” see that your emotions belong to you – and only you. If you feel triggered by something, it’s for you to look at. It’s not for you to react and blame your mate so you can feel the feelings of safety. Be responsible for what you feel. Responsibility: the ability to respond from a place of love. Respond from your H-E-R-E-ing… not your hearing.
Whether you’re going out on your first date, your 20th anniversary dinner, or meeting someone new for the first time this Valentine’s Day… meet them HERE.