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The Elite Eight of Jewish First Dates

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Outside of Julius Caesar, absolutely no one can deny that March is one of the greatest months of the year. March contains notable occurrences such as a day when we all pretend to be Irish by getting very drunk and very pale, and a day where we celebrate the birth of America’s only living monarch, Queen Latifah (March 18th if you want to send a belated birthday card). But today we will honor the two most wonderful aspects about March; the beginning of spring and the NCAA basketball tournament.

While the NCAA tournament may consume most of our thoughts right now, it is also important to note that March marks the beginning of mating season in the animal kingdom. So, it is only natural to start planning out your spring and summer dating activities.

In the spirit of combining two of the finest things on Earth, basketball and dating, we have compiled an ‘Elite Eight’ of great date ideas for all you gentleman out there. Of course, no tournament is complete without as many losers (Georgetown) as there are winners (Andy Enfield in every aspect of life), so we have also compiled a list of eight absolutely horrible date ideas as well. Follow our Elite Eight date ideas and your dating life will go from March Madness to April Significant Other in no time.


Elite Eight Best Date Ideas

1. Crash a Random Jewish Wedding

Jewish weddings are always a guaranteed great party. You may even get to see how she looks being hoisted on a chair, and in Judaism how good a woman looks while being lifted on a chair is strangely important to the marriage process.

2. Go for Chinese Food

You need to make sure you will be compatible come Christmas time.

3. Watch an Entire Season of Curb Your Enthusiasm

If your date doesn’t want to do this, dump her immediately. She’s not the right person for you.

4. Take Her to a Jewish Deli

Might as well find out how your date handles kosher meat and matzo balls right away (zing!)

5. Go to a Kosher McDonald’s

Sure, it’s cheap, but it means you took her to Israel. If you take a Jewish girl on a date to Israel and can’t get a good night kiss, you should probably convert. Next McNugget in Jerusalem!

6. Take Her to Your Summer Camp

This idea moves to the “Worst Date List” if you tell her any stories of things you did while at that camp.

7. Take Her to Your Barbershop

You can show off how much detail goes into sculpting your Jew-fro. She will also be super impressed you know Ice Cube.

8. Getting Tested for Tay-Sachs Disease

This shows you are both a caring individual, and that you are well-versed in Ashkenazi autosomal recessive genetic disorders.

 

Elite Eight Worst Date Ideas

1. Going to Church

Trust us, your Beshert isn’t there.

2. Your Baby Cousin’s Bris

You don’t want her thinking baby genitals run in the family.

3. Go to a Werewolf Bar Mitzvah

It’s both spooky and scary.

4. Go for a spin in Emmah and Abbah’s New Minivan

Nothing kills your game faster than a Debbie Friedman CD your parents left in the car coming on spontaneously.

5. Schindler’s List 3D

Do we really have to explain this one?

6. A reading of the ‘Uncircumcised Penis Monologues’

Again, enough said.

7. Yoga Class at the JCC

Fun fact, every person in a JCC yoga class is named either Aunt Muriel or Aunt Gladys. Also important to note is that a lot of Lululemon pants are see through and there are things you simply can’t un-see.

8. Manischewitz Wine Tasting

Sadly, Extra Heavy Malaga and Elderberry just don’t quite taste as delicious now as they did when you were 11 sneaking cups of wine at the Seder. If they do taste just as delicious, then you really need to refine your palate.

Now that we have helped you with date ideas, we will depart with a few words of wisdom that may actually be helpful. On a first date there are only two things that you can control that will help you immensely: be funny and be confident. If you can make a girl laugh, and if you can combine that with self-confidence (but never cockiness), then you should be in good shape for date number two. If that fails, then take her to Israel. If you need any more advice, you can always find us at the JCC doing yoga with all of your great-aunts. Enjoy the Madness everyone.

Lewis Krell is a Canadian expat now stealing jobs from hard-working Americans, such as being a staff writer for TheInclusive.net. In his spare time he enjoys efficiently allocating capital to its most productive use. Contact him at lewiskrell@gmail.com.
Jess Antonio comes from a mixed marriage, so he brings the best elements of Jews and Goys. He thinks sports are just swell and still looks back on his time as a co-worker of Steve Nash fondly (Jess assumes Nash does as well). Holla at Jess at jessjantonio@gmail.com
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5 Comments »

  • Diane says:

    HYSTERICAL! I clicked the article thinking this would be serious- you guys have me cracking up at work. Thank you! I will be sure to only date guys who do all of these

  • Margaret says:

    wow.. great suggestions. Ok, N°6 of the to-do-list is lame.. take her (me) to (cough) your summer camp? Turtle creek pottery class the second? – Honestly I’d totally prefer the Manischewitz.. well, on second thought.. ok.. where’s that camp?

  • Mama Suz says:

    I’m so proud, boychicks…

  • Noah says:

    Hilarious article, can you guys date my daughter? She’s a nice Jewish girl

  • Steve says:

    I love these guys

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