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How To Get Off Your Tuchas And Avoid Online Dating Burnout

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As an online dating coach, I’ve heard singles say they just didn’t feel like “doing the work anymore” more than I’ve heard my 3-year-old ask the question, “Why?” If you signed on to an online dating site with the expectation that cuties would flock to your profile, but now have found yourself without any options, you’re not alone. This is why I tell my clients, “Date like it’s your job!”

So, what would you do at work if the pay sucked, you didn’t get along with your colleagues and you felt like calling in sick all the time? Quit? No! You’d kick yourself in the tuchas and keep going. Here are four great ways to stoke your online dating fire if it’s starting to burnout.

1. If You Never Get Responses to Your Emails…

An average response rate for most online daters is about 10 to 20 in my experience. This means you have to send 10 messages to get just one or two responses in return. So, if you only send a couple messages a week, you’re statistically only getting a fraction of a reply (read: none).

Rather than pouring your heart and soul into every email, try sending short, specific notes that comment on what you saw in the person’s profile and a question that they would feel compelled to respond to. You can send more messages in less time, and increase your reply rate instantly.

2. If People View Your Profile, But Don’t Send Messages…

Don’t assume you’re an unattractive schlub! You just might not be putting your best foot forward online. Swap out your pictures with shots that tell your unique story. Not only will you come up higher in searches when you refresh your profile pictures more often, but daters who overlooked you before might see you in a new light as well!

3. If You Don’t See Anyone You Like…

It seems like everyone’s online these days. In fact, 89% of single Jews say they know someone who met their significant other online, according to a survey taken by Spark Networks. So, if you say you just can’t find anyone you’re attracted to, perhaps you’re being too selective?

Expand your search criteria by one year of age, one inch in height, or 10 more miles and see what you get. Then take the time to actually read a few profiles, not just scan member pictures. You might be surprised by who sparks your interest when you’re checking them out’ on a deeper level.

4. If You Have Countless First Dates, But No Second Dates…

Feeling disappointed by having continual introductory conversations that never progress into anything more is perfectly normal and common. Having met my husband online, I can say that online dating is basically an exercise in first dates.

Take the pressure off of yourself to find “The One” and look at each person and each date individually. Tell yourself you are just there to hear someone’s story, not to evaluate a future spouse – and that anything else is just a bonus. You’ll find that your perspective on first dates might change. It could even become (gulp) FUN.

Online dating can be overwhelming if you’re focused on the goal rather than the moment. While I help my clients create a plan to find their man, dwelling on the ultimate hope of finding a husband can make dating feel like drudgery.

If you’re stuck in a dating rut, ask yourself, “What is just one thing I can do today to be proactive and change my outlook?” Perhaps it’s sending one message to someone who caught your eye online, or asking a friend for an introduction to a fella you’ve admired from afar. Do one more small thing tomorrow and do it each subsequent day until your perspective (or your options) shift. You can’t finish the race if you quit moving so, even if you slowly pace yourself, you will eventually reach your destination if you just keep going.

Damona Hoffman (aka “Dear Mrs D”) is a dating strategist and writer who met her husband online in 2003 and has coached singles on how to find true love ever since. Ask a question on her weekly radio show Dates & Mates with Dear Mrs D or pick up a copy of her new book Spin Your Web: How to Brand Yourself for Successful Online Dating. Visit DearMrsD.com for FREE content and premiums for JDate users.
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8 Comments »

  • helene says:

    Much of what has been said is in agreement with my feelings. However. how about suggesting to men who are 70′ish, that the only reasons a woman that is 40-55 would be interested in them is either $$$ or the need for a father.

  • Cinzip says:

    Frankly, have sent out 117 emails and flirts over the two weeks I’ve been on. Got about 30 independent replies, one date. One thing that bugs me about the online dating process is the forced anonymity. In person, when someone says “hello”, you at least feel an obligation to respond. Not with a conversation but at least with an acknowledgement. The online world feeds a belief that manners don’t apply.

    I am giving the online dating process a limited time; 3 months. I’m hoping that gives me enough time to find a few guys who actually mean the things they’ve written in their profiles. So far, the jury’s still out on that one.

  • Donna says:

    I agree from a female perspective that changing a year, one inch of height or a few more miles can reveal a better mix – we women know that. How about telling men that women do not live on their doorstep and that you have to travel further than the end of their road.

  • Erika says:

    Love the advice! Agree with all of it! Online dating is a numbers game, or “an exercise in first dates,” like you said. But as I tell my clients, every bad date is a good story. And if you’re really burned out, take a short break (http://www.alittlenudge.com/2012/04/taking-a-guyatus/) and then get back in there!

    Thanks!
    Erika

  • Speed Dating NYC says:

    Another tip to overcome a dating burnout: Stay Optimistic!!
    Dozens of studies show that optimists fare better than pessimists in work, school, sports, family life, and literally every other area. Hopeful, positive people are likely to achieve more goals, handle stress more wisely, overcome depression more quickly, and manage problems with far greater effectiveness. It goes without saying that optimists have more enjoyable and successful love lives.

  • hadass says:

    I don’t really know if it’s the subject, I just want to say to the women to becareful to the cheaters, non sincere men, playing games, who are contacting women just for their sexual perversion.

  • Dear Mrs D says:

    I totally agree that the online dating scene is really not all that different from offline dating now. I recommend in my book getting offline as quickly as possible (no more than three emails before a call/date) because once you meet in person, online dating just becomes – dating. But there is a strategy to it which is why I work with people one-on-one to find a plan that’s going to get different results than what they’ve been getting on their own.

  • Sharon, Israel says:

    Nice post. But as far as the tips for online dating go: been there, done that. It hasen’t nothing to do with how good you look, how witty you are in your profile or how impressive is your resume.

    The virtual dating scene, has become a mirror of your typical dating scene. It’s mostly about luck & timing. And it certainly doesn’t help women, when men act like kids in a kandy store when going online to find a mate, thinking all the women with the profile could be there’s with just the click of a button.

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