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What If I’m Not Attracted To My Date, But He’s Still A Great Match?

Submitted by 21 Comments

Dear Rabbi,

I recently met a wonderful man who seems like a great catch. He’s nice, smart, funny, would make a great husband – and I’m pretty sure he’s into me!

Here’s the problem: I’m just not attracted to him (mostly because he’s shorter than me). Do you think it’s possible for me to get over the appearance issue and find love with this truly great guy?

-The Looks-ist

____________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Looks-ist,

Attraction is a requirement for a marriage partner. What creates that attraction differs for every individual. It usually results from a combination of factors including appearance, personality, intellect, sense of humor, morals, religious convictions, etc.

Are you looking for me to tell you that you’re an idiot for dumping a man who you think could be your husband just because he’s a few inches shorter than you? I can’t do that. Only you have the power to change what makes you feel attracted to someone.

If you can get over your irrational aversion to a few missing inches and discover attraction in his other amazing qualities, then you’ll be a winner in more ways than one. If you can’t get past his height and just can’t see yourself sharing a bedroom with this man, then you should move on and find someone you are attracted to.

I think you should give him a chance to grow on you and possibly change the way you feel about him. Give him a few weeks, maybe even a month or two. I’ve seen many instances where women who started off without feeling attraction for a man became attracted after getting to know him on a deeper level. You’ll know when you’ve given it enough time.

Best of luck,

Arnie

Rabbi Arnie Singer offers dating and relationship advice on both of his sites: Jcoach.com and ItoIdo.com. He is the author of From I to I Do: How to Meet, Date and Marry Your Mr. Right.
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21 Comments »

  • Cosmic1 says:

    As an astrologer it is highly important for ATTRACTION to be a part of the equation in order for things to take off. I have been chased down by handsome, well put together men and had no energy linkage to him whatsoever. Yet, I have been wildly attracted to a man who was not that handsome yet pulled me in like a moth to a flame. If you are “saying” with your mouth you are not attracted to him because he is “short” more than likely it is much deeper than that. However, his shortness is the only thing you can really logically point to. Attraction is NOT based on logic, but energetic compatibility, which can not be explained. If you really had a soul connection with him he would look 7 feet tall to you. This is what real love is all about. Don’t be so hard on yourself, trust your instincts and know what when real love shows up. It will be effortless and pull you out of your head and into your heart without you having to labor over it. I don’t advise people to rationalize love, because it goes against natural law. YOU WILL KNOW!

  • StraightFlush says:

    I find it interesting that several women chimed in with support for the Looks-ists point of view, one even saying “I’m not attracted to shorter guys either”. I’m guessing that if the Looks-ist had been a male and said “I met this great woman who seems like a great catch and would be a great wife, but I’m just not attracted to her–primarily because she’s 15 pounds overweight”, those same women would be calling Looks-ist shallow, superficial, a pig, etc.

    Interesting indeed.

  • Ilay says:

    Just to remind you that it might be that you are not ms. universe, even if you are good looking good chances that you’re not going to end up with the most charming, rich and good looking guy that you’ve ever met.

    Having that said, it is important of course that you will be with someone you find attractive, although attractive is some times a way a person reacts and behave more than appearance, this is why it is personally important to keep a good show running.

    I personally had the opposite problem, girls seem to find me attractive in most cases the problem is that they are too judgmental towards my character and I mean here on J.

    I too judged girls easily, but as for outside appearance, if it was “borderline” I tended to be looking for brighter sides in their personalities.

  • Mich says:

    I am in my 50′s, just finished a long distance relationship and have met someone older than I’m used to dating, I don’t find middle aged men attractive at all but they seem to be at the right stage in there lives and don’t play around, this man is very nice ticks all my boxes but again I don’t find him attractive, do I stay or go?

  • hagadol says:

    It is understandable that height and length are parameters in attraction.
    While we know that in fact a person’s true size is a function of his mental attributes, namely character, intellect and awareness, attraction is immune to such considerations when the value system is not oriented in terms of mind.

    Chemistry is of various types; adolescent chemistry seeks cuteness above all; a more mature approach takes into consideration many other factors.
    The mistakes in spousal selection leading to divorce rest on wrong decision procedures relating to chemistry and other selection parameters. You may like desserts but if all your meals are sweet you’ll end up fat; thus reason and common sense enter into decisions in all areas of life. If you make the turn-on factor the main thing, you might find that the kind of person you have selected is superficial enough to leave you for the same reason in a year when he gets bored with your body and wants variety.

    The importance of a few inches is wisely put into context of the person’s qualities as a whole. This doesn’t mean rationality replaces chemistry; it means that chemistry is balanced with realism concerning a lifetime of togetherness that women should understand, perhaps better than men. Attraction ideally would be considered in balanced with chemistry, which after all is a very transient component in long-term relationships.

    For example, it is wise to take into consideration what kind of father the man will make, in terms of his ability to father the kind of children you wish to have. There are many other such considerations that are perhaps more weighty than just a couple of inches.

    But of course reason and common sense in the vast majority fall on deaf ears until after the divorce.

  • Falupe says:

    I have the answer………..inserts. Yes shoe inserts would make the perfect gift for your bachelor! Also, you might want to try the ever popular…ladder! While he may feel a bit strange shleping an aluminum ladder around it will give him the opportunity to practice the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet. Oh and one more thing, it ain’t his height that is the problem; it is something else. Thats my hunch. Good luck on your search and make sure you don’t look down on anyone (:

  • David says:

    So Jewish women, on average, ARE attracted to Ashkenazic Jewish men ? That’s news to me. I thought women (including Jewish women) like tall, dark, and handsome. BTW in order for the statement to be ABSOLUTELY false, it has to be false for every single Jewish woman. That is clearly not true.
    As far as ‘slander’ goes, I believe it is still a free country so I am entitled to express my opinion. Thank you for your tolerance of other peoples’ opinions and have a nice day.

  • shlomo says:

    O’ Please ! it’s all about physical attraction .. at least in the beginning….and yeah for women too. Unless the the guy has big bucks. Money has a way of making a guy ” very handsome”. I was on jdate a few times and almost always was contacted by women 3-7 years older than me. I learned that not only guys like younger bodies.

  • Victoria says:

    The comment saying that “Jewish women are not attracted to Ashkenazic Jewish men unless they look like Mediterranean men” almost amounts to slander and is ABSOLUTELY false. It really sounds like mercantile oily propaganda.

  • David says:

    Online dating is all about looks. In fact that’s how you are forced to ‘screen’ people. My hypothesis: “While Jewish men make great husbands, Jewish women are not attracted to Ashkenazic Jewish men unless they look like Mediterranean men”. This is the deep, dark secret that the ladies are keeping. Have a nice day.

  • SeizetheMoment1 says:

    Attraction can grow even when it seems impossible. I know, because it happened to me. A man’s inner beauty sometimes causes you to see his outer appearance in a different light.

  • Ellie says:

    Statistically I read that for every inch under 5’10″ a man has to earn an extra $40,000 a year to attract the kind of woman he desires with all the attractive qualities that match his ideal. I did not make up the statistics, it is out there. Meanwhile taller and handsomer people on average earn more, are promoted more often and are given jobs of higher responsibility. This is true of both sexes really. Men are visual and have all sorts of pre conceived notions about what they will and will not accept physically in a mate. How many times have I heard men complain that a woman looked older, fatter, whatever than her picture? I have heard this from so many men, “I resent women who are not as attractive as their picture, as if they think that their wit, intellect and personality will make up for their looks”. Perhaps we are wired this way. The stronger and bigger male of any species wins in the mating game. I was raised to look on the inside and humor is so important to me, but like all woman I want to feel safe and protected. My mother used to say, “As long as he is better looking than the devil”. Funny, even at 4’11″ she did not hide her preference for taller men. My father was tall. Wanting to want someone is really hard and frankly if you thought there was a chance, I don’t think you would have asked the question. I say be his friend and give it time as long as you enjoy his company. I do understand though. I am 5’6″ and when one man I wound up dating for three years showed up and he added a few inches to his profile like some people shave off years or pounds, I felt a bit awkward. I was not used to looking down at a man and I did not wear heels for the longest time. Finally my brother-in-law said, “what is this high school”? After a while I got to like it and then I did not notice at all. I loved the documentary on Netflix called, “Strangers When We Click” and I highly recommend it. Good luck!

  • michael says:

    “irrational aversion to a few missing inches”? rabbi, with all due respect…who are you to judge what is rational and what is not? what a horrible and judgmental comment. remind me NOT to consult you on any issues relating to anything.

  • Schadenfreudian says:

    Bingo, The Phoenix.

    The problem is hers–unless he’s got issues with taller women. Of course another fixation of contemporary humans is that a man must be taller than the woman; stop dating men shorter than you if you’re fixated on it. It spares you and the guy investments in energy and emotions.

  • Monica says:

    I think you need to give it the time you need and then decide. Don’t force yourself to love someone just because he looks good on paper. That’s what I did and it caught with me. In fact it caught up with both of us because he “held back” in many ways and I sensed it. We broke up and he refuses to speak to me.

  • Sara Larschan says:

    What a wonderful tool the internet is for so many reasons, not the least of which is to see what potential dates and mates look like so we can decide if we would like to meet them. It is not “lookist”, my intrepid Jdater, to wish to feel attraction to a potential mate, it is a simple biological requirement. There is a difference between prejudice (needs a haircut) and a lack of chemistry (no spark of interest). As long as you are sure you are not a morally bankrupt individual, there is no need to beat yourself up for not wanting the other person, no matter how many other good qualities they have to offer. No attraction means no possibility of sexual love, and unless you need a fourth for bridge and not a husband, leave the guy to the woman whose eyes light up when he walks in the room. This will be doing the most kindness, all around.

  • GiGi says:

    Attraction isn’t everything. Depending on time and place – different things take priority based on individual needs. For instance, financial security can override attraction, but if you are financially independent – good looks can be enough in a partner. Look at the whole picture….

  • Lori says:

    I never thought that someone can grow to love another person, however, you can. I can tell you about two instances.
    My first cousin met a guy here on Jdate. She wasn’t attracted to him but she continued dating him. She now says he is not only the best thing that ever happened to her but he is also her best friend. I say, give the guy a chance.

    Many years ago, I met a guy at a club and like you, I wasn’t attracted to him but he was a wonderful considerate guy. I didn’t even want him to hold my hand. I continued to date him and believe it or not, I fell in love with him. The relationship didn’t work out for other reasons but it is possible to fall in love. You never know. Maybe you will fall in love like my cousin did! Give it a shot.

  • The Phoenix says:

    Firstly; you admit to not being certain that he’s into you (“”I’m pretty “sure” he’s into me””.) Which means, he may, in fact, not be.

    Secondly, if you’re not attracted to any man, for whatever the reason, that’s all that matters. Does anyone above the age of 9 need validation or direction, on what they are feeling?

    My advice to you; don’t be presumptuous and/or arrogant about concluding what a person’s feelings are based solely on “what you think” and – figure out what’s important to you and stick with it. I’m just not attracted to short guys either and I’m not beating myself up about it any more than the fact that I don’t like cooked spinach!.

    Have an adult discussion with this man; he deserves at least that and you owe it to yourself to find out if you’re letting your imagination get the best of you. Take some time to figure you out….the rest will follow. xo

  • Martha says:

    You have to decide if you’re not attracted to him, or if it’s just that he doesn’t look the way other people expect him to look. if it’s genuinely that you’re not attracted to him, it’s probably not going to change. But if it’s just that you’re worried what will other people think then that you might be able to get over. But you can’t fake it, being attracted to the person you’re with is important

  • Skipgirl says:

    I met a nice guy here on J a year ago. The problem was the same, lack of attraction on the physical level. But I liked being with him as a best friend and possible husband material. Well, 4 months went by and the more I resisted intimacy the more in love he got, then I finally had to break it up cause he was going to propose!! Months later he still hates me for misleading him, but I was really just trying to do the right thing.And I really beieve I did give it a chance to fall for him, it just didnt happen, and the fact I couldnt accept a ring I still think I was not misleading.

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