Home » Expert Advice

Don’t Shoot Yourself In The Foot

Submitted by 6 Comments

Myth: There are no good single men or women out there.

Truth: There are plenty of good singles out there and you only need one. You just have to get out of your own way – and go out of your way – to find one.

The Scarlett O’Hara “tomorrow is another day” school of time management is particularly prominent in the area of love. Tomorrow may be another day, but why waste today with someone who is not right for you? Some people waste months, years, even decades, with the wrong person, and had they been honest with themselves, they probably would have seen the signs from the very beginning.

It’s easy for people to feel like they have all the time in the world when it comes to dating. And while no one actually runs out of time to fall in love and get married, it’s easy to develop situational depression when you feel you are out of time. So, please don’t even have another cup of coffee with someone you know deep down is wrong for you.

If you’re ever ended a relationship by saying, “It’s not you, it’s me,” you may not mean it. You might even be thinking, “You have such a terrifying temper, a rabid dog would be more inviting,” or “You’re so controlling, I can’t even take a shower without you pacing outside the door.” But no matter how objectionable he or she may be, you are still the problem. You can make all of the excuses you want for why you’re not already living happily with your dream partner, and blame your failed relationships on past lovers. But when it comes down to it, you’re single because of you, not because there aren’t enough marriage-worthy people in the world, or because no one is good enough, or even because everyone you date always turns out to be crazy. Perhaps your expectations are too high, or maybe you choose people you know will help create a train wreck because you’re afraid of commitment.

We all have an amazing capacity for creative avoidance, and most of us cherish our favorite delusions. I’ve seen some impossible-to-please amorophobics (people pathologically fearful of love) dig some really deep holes for themselves using everything from an obnoxious demeanor to homeless-looking couture. These commitment-phobics may doubt their ability to find, create, and maintain loving relationships, but they may not recognize they’ve been getting in their own way! But it doesn’t have to be like this for you.

Find out if you are wasting valuable time and energy when you could be using that time to meet your dream mate by answering “Yes” or “No” to each of the following questions below:

QUIZ: Are You a Time Waster?

1. Have you stayed in a relationship just because you wanted to avoid the breakup?

2. Have you dated people you knew were wrong for you because you thought, “It’s better to date someone than no one at all?”

3. Have you ever rekindled a flame with an ex-lover out of boredom or desperation?

4. Do you spend more time thinking about your past relationships than what you want out of a future relationship?

5. Have you ever agreed to a date you did not want to go on because you didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings?

6. Have you ever agreed to a second or third date because you were too uncomfortable to say no?

If you answered yes to two or more of the questions above, you need to forget Mr. or Ms. Right Now, and instead be willing to be single and dating. It’s time to put your effort into finding the Mr. or Ms. Right for you!

Time wasting is a stumbling block we consciously or quasi-consciously put in our paths. It prevents success in love, or at least slows down the process (sometimes to a glacial speed). By spending time with anyone we know we don’t want to date seriously, momentum is lost and the reward of a healthy relationship is harder to gain.

Dr. Janet Page is a psychotherapist in private practice for 30 years in NYC and Atlanta, and taught for 22 years at Emory University. As the author of “Get Married This Year,” she speaks to audiences around the country about keeping love alive and finding your mate. Click here for more information on her “Get Married This Year” seminars.
Email this post Email this post
Bookmark and Share

6 Comments »

  • ian says:

    I am a 56 year old Jewish man and looking for a woman for commitment. I only want one woman. But because I am not a doctor lawyer or dentist or making at least 150 grand a year I can not find a Jewish woman. One of my gentile friends says sometimes your own kind can be your worst kind. I havent had a jewish girlfriend since 1996.

  • Jim says:

    EVERY man is looking for a woman of convenience. Hey, guess what, it YOUR job to hook that man into marriage or commitment, either with your great personality, your cooking, or your “womanly charms”. Its not rocket science.
    I think most women dont realize this.

  • malk says:

    It would be interesting to know the men/woman ratio on Jdate. And that won’t even account for the men that are not willing or able to comit. I am 66, they find me very attractive, swear all they want is a long term relationship, and then I realize all they wanted was sex. The relationship BS was just a way to get where they wanted to get from the get go. It starts with B.
    There’s a book out “Why men lie to women”. I need to read it. Maybe all women should read it.

  • Danielle says:

    Hi there,

    I am a single 43 year old woman living in Manhattan and I have to say my experience with dating and meeting Jewish men are just awful. My friends all feel the same way as I do. I feel like I keep meeting men who are either commitment phobia, have addiction problems(such as alcohol or drugs), or men who have ADHD and just poor communicators. I try to mix it up and put myself in different situations to meet men, Jewish single events, share houses in the Hamptons, NJ, Fire Island, and Club Getaway. Since I am very athletic I have joined sporting activities such as softball and volleyball. I also feel like J-date is mostly full of guys just either looking to have a good time or men who are so socially awkward that they wouldn’t be able to meet someone on the outside of the online dating world. I am not saying there are no quality Jewish men onsite but it’s hard to meet these men and they are so few and so many more quality women online, it makes it very hard to compete, especially given my age and childbearing age. I kind of feel insulted by this article because it’s suggesting that it’s “my problem” that I am single and that I might have a phobia for love or my expectations are too high or I am picking people who will create a train wreck because I have commitment issues, when I truly believe this is not the case.

  • Kathryn says:

    I’ve heard many of these same comments from men. It is a quick way to weed out the time wasters, though, so I’m glad they are up front about it, then I don’t have to be bothered. I’m not interested in “Casual Dating” either.
    Thanks for speaking up Helen

  • Helen says:

    Well…There is a saying in French (I’ll try to translate): “In any problem in the world-look for a women”..After being married for 30 years,I’m in this “finding a life time partner”market I’m shocked…Every men (they all find me very attractive) almost immediately let me know that they’re not planning to get married..I find it very offensive… Daaa..It’s a lady’s line…They’re looking for so called “Casual Dating”…Ha..To me it sound like “I want you to be a women of convenience”..Personally, I have more respect for a prostitute, then for a “women of convenience” Going back to this French saying…I always told my son: Never touch a women unless you have a GOOD intentions…I think that all these man were raised by mothers who never told them something like that..”Never try to get more then you’re willing to give”

Leave a comment!

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

This is a Gravatar-enabled weblog. To get your own globally-recognized-avatar, please register at Gravatar.


8 + = 9

Jmag Search
Search now! »
Please enter a zip code.

polls

  • Sending a text rather than making a phone call is:

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...