Home » Expert Advice

The 6 Kisses We All Hate

Submitted by 12 Comments

There are so many ways to mess up the first kiss! Like signing a letter, a smooch wraps up the first date. Sometimes the first kiss can save an otherwise awful evening. Other times, it can destroy whatever progress you and your date have made throughout the night. Here are the 6 worst kisses that are sure to make your date kiss you goodbye for good!

1. The Lizard

Frantic and fleeting, your date’s tongue is in and out of your mouth like they’re testing the temperature of a swimming pool. What are they so afraid of? Tongue action, while a little forward for a first kiss, can be appreciated, but only if done well.

2. The Log Flume

Like those amusement park rides that look great from the ground, you’re excited to test out your date’s kissing style. But by the end, half of your face is drenched. Only it’s not gross theme park water – it’s saliva! Yuck! You should never have to wipe your face after a kiss. Too much spit (or drool) can be an absolute deal breaker!

3. The Vampire

Blame it on the Twilight craze, but everyone and their brother seem to be going for the jugular. Hickeys are for grade school, not for grown-ups. Bruises, bloody lips and sharp pinches should never be the result of a makeout session – isn’t kissing supposed to be fun?

4. The Macarena

There are a few people out there who think that 90’s dance craze isn’t just for hands. Their tongues flip left, right, up, down and then spin in circles. Meanwhile, you’re trying desperately to close your lips and exorcise whatever demon has inhabited your mouth. No thanks. You two probably won’t be dating for long.

5. The Notebook

Remember that scene in The Notebook when Allie jumps on Noah who lifts her up effortlessly while they share a deeply passionate kiss? Of course you do, that scene is amazing. But it’s a little extreme for the first kiss, and though the guy is clearly taking notes from Ryan Gosling (not a bad teacher), he’s gotta be pretty strong to manage this one. Plus, do you really know each other well enough to share that much lust? This one is better suited for the movies, or for reunions between soul mates.

6. The Watcher

Nobody really looks great while they’re kissing. But your date doesn’t care. Don’t mind their wide-open eyes while you’re trying to press your lips to theirs, your date is just enjoying the view! They’re scoping the scene. Assessing the situation. And in their eyes, you’re perfect. Just perfect. If only you felt the same – you can’t focus though because your date’s stare is just so damn creepy.

Let’s hope you’ve never had to deal with any of these kissing catastrophes. They’re all real and they’re all up there in the “Awful Kiss Hall of Fame.” But if you do find yourself stuck with a weirdo, of which there are plenty in the dating scene, pull back, smile, and try again, this time your style. Hopefully they’ll take the hint. And if not? You shut the door, walk upstairs and call it a night!

Janis Spindel is just 2 Marriages shy of 1000, and she has been in business for 21 years! Specializing in pairing up upscale clientele who are well-educated, sophisticated, attractive professionals, including public figures and celebrities, this self-proclaimed Cupid in a Chanel suit is no-nonsense when it comes to the business of “getting people married.” For more info on Janis, check out www.janisspindelmatchmaker.com.
Email this post Email this post
Bookmark and Share


  • Schadenfreudian says:

    Why so angry? What’s the point?

  • For the empty headed perverts who absent mindlessly think that french kissing is STD free, think again.
    Keep your dirty tongue in your mouths. we don’t know you and we don’t want your potentially diseased saliva in ours.
    For the record, no man will ever put their hands on me on the first date. I can’t even imagine any woman who is worth anything letting a guy french kiss her on the first date. How desperate can you be?

  • alvin fels says:

    I believe in going w/the flow. Setting up barriers for making love is the beginning of the end, so uncool. To each his/her own sans pain.

  • Amorosa says:

    You are soooo funny!!!! hehehehe. By the way, I am a woman, I am Jewish, and there’s NOTHING better than a good kiss… Oh well, there is, but not on a first date! LOL
    I think a good kiss is perfect ending of a first date… But there must be a good chemistry connection… otherwise any kiss would not be welcomed. (I have turned my face on a couple of them I must say)

    “A kiss is a lovely trick designed to stop speech when words become superfluous.”–Ingrid Bergman

  • Great Kisser says:

    Different strokes for different folks, there’s no handbook to the perfect kiss, everybody likes different things, what makes you the expert on kissing???

  • Rita says:

    Funny but true! jajaajaja

  • Jewish_Man says:

    This “first date smooch” crap is strictly out of the movies.

  • Ilana says:

    I’ve got to say that you’ve got a great sense of humor and a terrific sense of what many women probably abhor… I’m not a fan of the French kiss (never was) and you’ve characterized it rather well! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one : )

  • Neil says:

    This just might be the problem with Jewish women.. prudes who don’t enjoy the pleasures of the body. What do you want janis, a peck like my bubbie?

  • tiny and cute says:

    wet and sloppy. Horrible!

  • Valena says:

    I believe the word is “exorcise,” not “exercise whatever demon has inhabited your mouth” in The Macarena.

  • Charles Abernathy says:

    The Lizard…
    aka Racetrack!… haha

    Great article…

Leave a comment!

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

This is a Gravatar-enabled weblog. To get your own globally-recognized-avatar, please register at Gravatar.

+ 6 = 14

Jmag Search
Search now! »
Please enter a zip code.


  • What costume do you find most attractive on a potential date?

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...