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How To Seduce A Jewish Woman

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Oh, my synagogue sweetheart. The Jews may be God’s chosen people, but you are my chosen woman. Let me lead you upstairs now, much like Moses led our Jewish ancestors out of captivity in Egypt. There, let us make an agreement, as did God when He established a divine covenant with Abraham. Let us agree to allow our clothing to fall to the floor, as Judah fell to the Babylonians in 587 BC. Our city’s synagogue is the center of Jewish life, but you are the center of mine. Was it not the great Medieval Jewish scholar Maimonides who said, “God will reward the good and punish the wicked?” We’ve been good; perhaps we can be each other’s deliciously wicked reward from God.

There are 613 commandments in Leviticus, but tonight let us just focus on two of our own commandments – for me to love you and for you to love me. The Messiah is coming in the future to take us to Israel, the land of milk and honey. While we’re waiting, why not enjoy each other’s milk and honey? After all, I’ve been a man since my thirteenth birthday. You’ve been a woman since your twelfth. We’ve had years of practice being a man and a woman. Let’s show each other what we’ve learned. Let’s have a hot night of Judaic show and tell.

We Jews do not believe in original sin, the concept that all people have inherited Adam and Eve’s sin when they disobeyed God’s instructions in the Garden of Eden. No, we believe we were born perfect, and only later in life face temptation and sin. Tonight’s our night for temptation and sin, my little hamentashen. And just as the charoset on the Passover Seder plate represents the mortar used by Hebrew slaves, so the Barry White music playing gently in the background represents the feelings in my heart for you.

But my favorite Jewish holiday is Sukkoth, the harvest festival and time of thanksgiving. We thank God for all He has given us. It is then that I shall make a special thank-you to God for your presence in my life. For just as the rabbis teach us about Jewish laws and tradition, we shall instruct each other in the pleasures and glories of genuine Hebraic love. Judaism focuses on relationships: the relationship between God and mankind, between God and the Jewish nation, between the Jewish nation and the land of Israel, and between human beings. We continue that great Jewish tradition now, my little blintz, as we focus on the relationship between two Hebraic souls who want each other more than a bagel wants a shmear of cream cheese.

We Jews believe that both man and woman were created in God’s image – which explains how divine you are. According to traditional Judaism, women are endowed with a greater degree of “binah” (intuition, understanding, intelligence) than men. All I know is that I “binah” thinking about you all day long. And here we are at last, my little kugel, facing one another unashamed, because in Jewish law, sex is not considered shameful, sinful or obscene. In Judaism, sex is not merely a way of experiencing physical pleasure. It is an act of immense significance, which requires commitment and responsibility. The requirement of marriage before sex ensures that sense of commitment and responsibility. That is why I have asked Rabbi Bernstein to join us here tonight. “You can come in now, Rabbi!” He will marry us now, and then, my darling, he will leave and we will take each other into the Promised Land.

Mark Miller is a marketing specialist, Facebook fanatic and comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.
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14 Comments »

  • Nancy Brian says:

    I am not Jewish. Maybe that is why I had never read something like this. For me, it is cute, endearing, and funny in a nice way as well. I enjoyed reading it and liked the surprise ending. I live in Savannah, Georgia, where we have a good size Jewish population which is important in the community. In my family, we have always spoken of what good husbands Jewish men seem to be. This bit of writing goes along with that way of thinking in a very sweet way.

  • LYNDA says:

    what a boring piece of writing this is.

  • Ralph says:

    Well intentioned, but I’ve read versions of the same thing for years,
    complete with stereotypical snacks. Stimulated appetite a little, but no laughs.

  • Charles Abernathy says:

    Hmmmm, and all these years I thought it was a Cosmopolitan and a kiss on the neck?!!

    What was I thinking? lol

  • Aaron says:

    It’s nothing funny about the word seduce Jewish woman’s , or women’s in general .

  • Shirley says:

    Very funny, Mark. I loved it.

  • Jim R. says:

    Very funny. Love ‘a bagel wants a shmear of cream cheese’.

  • Vlad says:

    It is well written but VERY BORING !

  • Lauri says:

    You are the Don Draper of Mad Mensch!
    Whenever your name is on the written by line, I know I’m in for a good time.
    Thank you!
    One of the ghosts;)

  • Mark Miller says:

    Thank you, Eileen! Gail, I’m currently dating a really wonderful woman, though with your Yiddish seduction skills, I predict much romantic happiness for you. Thanks, Brad; I’ll mention it to the rabbi and see what he says. Thanks, Bill. I’ll look forward to your postcard from the Wailing Wall.

  • Eileen R. says:

    Mark, you always make me laugh, you kneidl you!

  • Gail Langer says:

    Mark is a veritable Baal Torah! A Shayner Yid! Ad meah v’esrim shanah! Oy! I’m kvelling! Every man should be such a silver-tongued mensch! Are you single?

  • Brad says:

    Very nicely done, as always, Mark. My question: Wouldn’t it be more respectful of Hebraic law if your sex included the rabbi? Thanks, my little gefilte fish.

  • Bill Taub says:

    Mark has done it again!!! The funniest.

    He’s got me all primed for the wailing wall!!!

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