Home » For JDaters by JDaters

Thanksgivukkah: Not the Only Pairing That Can Benefit You Romantically

Submitted by 3 Comments

Have you noticed that this year Thanksgiving and Hanukkah fall on the same day? Folks are already referring to it as Thanksgivukkah. Catchy, huh? And just check out a few of the benefits associated with this rare, two-in-one holiday:

  • Two agonizing holiday meals with relatives are now magically transformed into one agonizing meal.
  • It’s a golden opportunity to experience first-hand what you’ve always suspected: how well turkey goes with latkes.
  • The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade finally features a giant dreidel float surrounded by dancing rabbis.
  • It’s proof Thanksgiving is more fun with presents and gelt!
  • The president can pardon both the Thanksgiving turkey and the Hanukkah blintz.

The pairing of Thanksgiving and Hanukkah as Thanksgivukkah works so well, it raises the question among us JDaters—why not pair up even more things in your life that can benefit you romantically? Here are some suggestions.

1. Chocsters

We all know oysters are legendary for having aphrodisiac qualities. As does chocolate. Combining them will no doubt double their romantic potency. I propose oyster-flavored chocolate bars to be marketed as Chocsters. Admit it, guys, how much fun would it be to whisper into your date’s ear, “Hey, baby — want to come back to my place to try my oyster-flavored chocolate bar?” No doubt that’s not an offer she gets every day!

2. Fluquila

Most people hate getting shots. Half the folks I know avoid flu shots because the shots just haven’t been marketed well. It’s all in the presentation. Make the flu shot pleasant to receive, tasty, and with an appealing after-effect. Picture the flu shots in a liquid format, mixed with tequila — your choice of flavors. The result? A health item that also lowers one’s romantic inhibitions. People would be lined up around the block at the doctor’s office just waiting for “Flu Shot Happy Hour” to begin. Under the drinking age? No problem. Flugum—flu shots in bubble gum form. Hey, how do I make the Nobel Prize Committee aware of my suggestions?

3. Valenween Day

What could make more sense than taking two great holidays, Valentine’s Day and Halloween, and combining them into one super-holiday — Valenween Day? Sorry, kids, this one’s for us adults only. Costumes include history’s greatest lovers: Romeo and Juliet, Casanova, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner. “Tricks” take on a whole new meaning in trick or treating, as do “treats,” for that matter. The only frightening part of the holiday is when your romantic partner is just not in the mood.

4. Jobation

Combine your job with your vacation to get this entirely new, state-of-the-art hybrid, a jobation. First, you can toss out that stodgy office chair. It will be replaced with your own, personal-sized Jacuzzi from which you’ll do all your work. The office will be decorated in a tropical theme, with an actual beach recreated for your morning and afternoon breaks. Employees who do well will be rewarded with luaus, tropical drinks, and hula lessons. And you’ll never want to go home because each night features gambling fun and a Vegas-style show. This ain’t your father’s job. Just try avoiding office romance with all this going on!

5. Taxssage

Nobody likes doing their taxes. Everyone loves getting a massage. It doesn’t take a genius to realize that combining the two is a win-win situation: get your taxes done and get your relaxation done at the same time! How does it work? I was hoping you’d ask. Simply show up at one of the chain offices of “H&R Un-Block Your Tense Muscles.” Bring your receipts. Request your choice of male or female, Swedish or Shiatsu, income or corporate. And if it turns out you need an extension, that’s the perfect reason for a return visit. You’re sure to find out what accountants have known for centuries — there’s a romance in numbers.

6. Sportswashing

Most men look at the prospect of washing the dishes in much the same way that most women look at the prospect of attending a Three Stooges Film Festival – number 867 on their priority list, just after snaking the bathroom drain. And yet to most men, watching sports games is like catnip. The solution? Turn the entire kitchen sink wall into a TV sports screen. Oh, sure, there’s a bit of expense upfront. But consider the advantages: the men do the dishes every night, the women are free to relax and are so grateful that they later show their appreciation in a very special way, if you catch my drift. Sportswashing — a sure step to ramping up the romance in your life. You’re welcome.

Now, you try combining some things in your life for your romantic benefit and let me know what happens. Come on; I ask so little of you.

Mark Miller is a comedy writer who has performed stand-up comedy in nightclubs and on TV, written on numerous sit-com staffs, been a humor columnist for the Los Angeles Times Syndicate and is a current humor columnist for The Huffington Post. His first book, a collection of his humor essays on dating and romance, is scheduled to be published by Skyhorse Publishing on Valentine’s Day of 2015. Its title: 500 Coffee Dates: Dispatches From the Front Lines of the Internet Dating Wars.But he says he’d trade all his success away in a minute for immortality, inner peace and limitless wealth.
Email this post Email this post
Bookmark and Share

3 Comments »

  • Mark Miller says:

    Thanks, Richard. No wonder she wasn’t that thrilled with the vacuum cleaner. I even got it in her favorite color.

  • Schadenfreudian says:

    LMAO, Richard! FINALLY! Someone responded using–GASP!–humor as a vehicle (not a convection oven).

  • Richard says:

    Annibituary: the anniversary where the husband buys his wife something he thinks is romantic – like a convection oven – and it ends up being the critical moment that leads to his early obituary.

Leave a comment!

Add your comment below, or trackback from your own site. You can also subscribe to these comments via RSS.

Be nice. Keep it clean. Stay on topic. No spam.

You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

This is a Gravatar-enabled weblog. To get your own globally-recognized-avatar, please register at Gravatar.


6 + = thirteen

Jmag Search
Search now! »
Please enter a zip code.

polls

  • Which of these foods would you avoid on a date?

    View Results

    Loading ... Loading ...