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Finding Love in 5 Steps

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These five steps are, I believe, absolutely necessary to finding your Beshert this year:

  • Love Basic #1

You can probably guess what your best accessory is, can’t you? It’s your smile – a smile is non-optional equipment when it comes to finding love. It communicates that you are friendly and approachable, and probably caring and happy. These are traits that give you draw and are highly desired in a mate.

You don’t smile? That’s no excuse – start now to practice on furniture, then small furry animals, and work your way up to adults and members of the gender you wish to attract.

 

  • Love Basic #2

Know that anger plays no part in love. I am not talking about healthy anger, which is a warning signal letting you know when to back off or speak up. And I’m not only talking about shouting or hitting – derisive and demeaning remarks also count. Speaking up for yourself can and should be done in a calm, level voice. This has the double advantage of not begetting more anger and being imminently more effective.

Anger shows up at the beginning – if your date is very nice to you, but expressing road rage or being rude to the waiter or others around you, then be warned; I guarantee you will be the target down the road.

Tip: Character assassination is not foreplay.

If you have anger, get rid of it before your anger chases away healthy people who might otherwise be attracted to you. This topic is perhaps best summed up by a country western song title: “It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chewed Your Ass All Day Long.”

 

  • Love Basic #3  

Get good at handling rejection. And if rejection has never happened to you, then you aren’t trying hard enough.

Hasn’t almost everyone been dumped before? It could be a true heartbreak. Or it could be a small rejection – you thought you had a keeper on date one, but they disappeared into lost boy or lost girl land.

Here is the t-shirt you need to wear: “Got Dumped” on the front and “Got Lucky” on the back. The great thing about being rejected is that he or she knew before you did that you were wrong for each other, and they saved you time. They rescued you from the #1 love block – wasting time. And haven’t you looked back on a rejection and thought thank you for releasing me because I would not take you back again for anything? Say “thank you” to that person. They deserve your gratitude.

Man’s (or woman’s) rejection may be God’s protection. You needed an upgrade, but weren’t willing or able to take it.

Another way of mishandling rejection is not being able to quit. Hasn’t everyone won that t-shirt too? The shirt that reads “Jumped in too quickly and stayed too long” on the front and “Knew it was a bad idea from the start” on the back?

I am not talking about true grieving and mourning of the loss of long-term or profound love. I am attempting to re-direct those who are wrongfully mourning rejection after a second date. To find love in a year, you have to move on along.

 

  • Love Basic #4

Dress like you’re on a date ALL the time – it’s a good way to get dates and you never know where you might meet one.

Women: I don’t mean you should break out your most formal outfit or your most revealing dresses (you don’t want to render him incapable of thinking in terms of “wife” or be so distracted he can’t focus on your personality). By showing effort though, you advertise you are interested in meeting someone new and that you will be good at taking care of yourself when married or committed.

Men: This doesn’t take much: clean, simple, some attempt at color coordination, and mostly non-synthetic fabrics. Women are visual too, and most women really like a well-dressed man.

Women: If he doesn’t care about clothes, he may be perfectly happy with your making the choices for him. Once you are together, be sure to tell him that he is your sex symbol and has to live up to the role!

 

  • Love Basic #5

Attitude really is everything. If you can visualize success in love, you will raise your personal happiness level and be one giant step ahead. I’ve seen a lot of people overcome every imaginable barrier because they were determined. Think of Olympic athletes. Are they waiting to go on thinking, “this may not turn out well” or “I’m not in the mood”? No! Your attitude toward dating is your job, your show – think like a winner.

A recent study overturned what was formerly believed to be the best predictor of success – intelligence. The new best predictor:  the need for cognition. You are more likely to be successful if you crave knowledge. Applied to love, need for cognition means learning how to be better at loving, reading books and articles, going to lectures and seminars, listening to happily married couples, communicating, dating, and never stop honing your skills.

Embrace these basics and then just have fun. This isn’t funereal attendance. Approach each date (and every time you are with a prospective or current love) as exciting potential. Make every effort to enjoy, relax, and bring out the best in both of you!

Janet Blair Page, PhD, author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is a psychotherapist with more than thirty years of experience in private practice in New York and Atlanta. She teaches at Emory University and has been in the New York Times, Glamour and on CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
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4 Comments »

  • DoThinking says:

    As a man I think a woman primarily is looking for a potential in marriage. Is he a smart and educated? Can she trust the person? Is he capable of a true intimacy and be a soul mate? Can she lean on his shoulder in case of a need? Would they age gracefully as partners? However, in my humble opinion the most important is her feeling on a gut level as to what level a man is ambitious?

    Here’s my example: Bill and Hillary Clinton.

    Early in Oxford they were quite different. Hillary was academically superior but Bill ‘s intellectual and social abilities were quite promising. When he went on a job interview in a large law firm he was hired on the spot, and on top of it he had convinced the principal to hire Hillary too!

    Later, after graduation at Yale Law School Hillary had been asked about her future plans. She had replied that she would follow Bill to Little Rock in Arkansas. What?! Her friends were baffled. But she had replied:”Bill is going to be a President”…

  • Isa says:

    I would like to add something to #4. GROOMING – especially for the men. It shocks me how badly groomed men think they are attractive. I’m talking about unkempt beards, straggly / messy and uncut hair. Clean up your act fellas if you want to attract a woman.

  • Alexis says:

    Yes, all good. What should be added is to be lucky enough to find people who have time to create a romantic relationship. Too many folks out there just aren’t honest enough with themselves, and don’t realize that dedicating one or two hours a week for a new relationship won’t do the trick. Love Basic #6: give ample and regular time to create a meaningful relationship!

  • Ali Kat says:

    Seriously? Why do you think love is so restrictive? Why does love have to lead to marriage or even monogamy?

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