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Love Empowerment

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I think we can all agree on the power of love as a force in the world. And the word that I believe applies to finding love is “empower.” Love empowerment is about visualizing your perfect match and taking full personal responsibility for having the love you want. Here is a breakdown you can use as an action plan for drawing love into your life:

  • E is for Elevate

The first step is to elevate yourself in your own mind (the only caveat is that if anyone is too full of themselves already, there is no need to elevate)! Most of us need our own encouraging self-talks and pats on the back. Your self-worth is your job, and you cannot reasonably expect a date or mate to create and/or maintain it for you.

Another reason to elevate your own opinion of yourself is that you will marry at your own level of self-esteem. So, if you don’t think much of yourself, you’ll be stuck with someone like you – which is not so great because you’ll either be insecure (which isn’t very helpful to each other) or one of you will change and feel the other partner is a bit of a drag.

  • M is for Marketing

Now is the time to market yourself! A good self-presentation is key to winning the love you want. You wouldn’t go into job interview and wing it to see if they liked the “real” you or not.

Be ready for a date with talking points that show you in a good light, and will get your match’s attention. If you are not a person of multiple topics or interests, develop some. Do some research about what’s happening around you and acquire projects and hobbies that would be worth sharing. Don’t know anything about a prospective date? Google them! Know what you have in common before you meet them.

Be multi-faceted in your marketing plan – use every resource starting with friends, associates, and neighbors. Ask to be set up with any eligible dates of their acquaintance and assure your supporters you will only be grateful for their efforts and good will. Whatever happens on a date is your responsibility, not theirs.

Many of my clients ask if they should go online or try to meet someone organically. I always say both. It’s hard to predict which opportunity you take will be the winner, so take them all. Dating is a numbers game and JDate is where more Jewish singles than you could ever meet in-person are all located (with the opportunity to pre-screen before you meet)!

  • P is for Positioning

When I was teaching at Emory, the CBS Early Show sent down a road crew to do a segment on my “Get Married This Year” class. They arranged to meet registered participants at a bar the evening before in order to film them in action on their own. Then the crew filmed the class and followed students to the class/alum party to see the differences in behaviors. These were the obvious changes:

  1. After class, not a single person walked in a herd.
  2. If entering with someone, they parted at the door.
  3. Partygoers looked around to determine whom they would approach, and stayed on the move until they met everyone.

The idea was to imitate a host’s role – talk with the ones you wish, but greet everyone. And not a single person left without stating intentions if there was someone they wanted to see again. In short, their actions from just one night to the next went from aimless to purposeful.

Online positioning is similar: Be visible! This is why good pictures are so important and should be consistent. It’s not ok if your matches have to sort through your pics as though they were a multiple choice questionnaire. And please be a quick responder. It is courteous and shows enthusiasm; it’s OK for you to be assertive. The greatest mates are not necessarily the most out-going ones.

  • O is for Ownership

You are in charge. Don’t dwell on what’s wrong with the dates that didn’t work out. Focus on steering yourself clear of making the same mistakes twice. Being responsible for (and effective in) finding love means going out three times each week, as well as checking in daily online. To find mates, you have to give them a chance to meet you. And the one place the love of your life will never come from is your living room ceiling. Also, if you are a slow responder to interesting matches, you are communicating a less than warm and enthusiastic desire to be with someone. If you would say you don’t have time for this 3x a week and daily check-in rule, then you don’t have time to be in a committed relationship either.

  • W is for Whine (Which is a Don’t!)

Whining is what you should not do! Venting has its limits, and one of them is spending more time complaining about dating than doing it. Cancel all memberships in the male or female bashing clubs and the “ain’t it awful” clubs. Support groups aren’t for re-enforcing the negative – no one needs that type of “support.”

Have you heard there are no good men in Los Angeles? What I’ve learned from my book tour is that there are no good men in NYC, Chicago, Portland, New Orleans, Chattanooga, Panama City, Boston – get the picture? There are no good men in London either for that sake! Where are they? It doesn’t matter because all you need is one. And the same applies to women – the male lament is they all want someone wealthy, but surely there is at least one left with her eyes on the bigger picture.

  • E is for Eliminate

Eliminate what drags down your upbeat, winning attitude. Hasn’t everyone had the experience of being in a really good mood, then you see the name of “the voice of doom” on your phone and what do you do but press answer?! Bad idea. If you intend to find love this year, then you are in training and don’t need any sure-fire killjoys. You don’t have to divorce every difficult person in your life, but please slow down your frequency of contact.

De-clutter emotionally. Put the ones who don’t believe you can find love on the shelf for a year. Spend less time with people who hurt you. I guarantee you a rise in spirits. And if you don’t have a support group, then rustle one up. They will be the ones to cheer you on when you have doubts or are guilty of love block #1: wasting time on ineligibles.

  • Finally, R is for Relate

Don’t just have a dating act, or a “game face.” Bring the real you to the table, to the party or to email exchanges. In fact, be on your best behavior when you’re dating, especially in the early stages. But make sure it’s really your genuine best and that you’re not trying to emulate something or someone you think your date will like better.

Genuineness works best now and in your relationship in the future. No one can feel loved if they aren’t understood, and no one is understood if they can’t reveal their true self. But caution: don’t spill all – share the best of you. Don’t scare off potential spouses with your problems. That would be an excellent way to remain single. Wait until a date is very taken with you, or preferably eating out of your hand, prior to revealing your very real or perceived flaws.

Remember: it’s a numbers game. If one date doesn’t work out, at least you have a little more practice under your belt. Even better, you’re one date closer to finding love!

Feeling confident before you even start is a giant step toward low-stress dating and relating. I’ve seen over and over that perseverance and positivism are the most important traits in drawing love into your life.

Putting these 7 steps into play is both easier on you and a great basis for a winning attitude. And attitude really is everything!

Janet Blair Page, PhD, author of Get Married This Year: 365 Days to “I Do”, is a psychotherapist with more than thirty years of experience in private practice in New York and Atlanta. She teaches at Emory University and has been in the New York Times, Glamour and on CNN, FOX, Good Morning America, and The Early Show. She lives in Atlanta, Georgia.
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