Relationship expert Andrea Syrtash challenges readers to date outside their boxes. In her new book, due for release this month, Syrtash shares her secrets to lasting love: encouraging women to date their “non-types.” Finally, real love lessons for single women without any “rules!” Kudos to Andrea, for teaching us right from wrong and how NOT to settle for Mr. Maybe.
1. We love the title of your new book “He’s Just Not Your Type (and That’s a Good Thing).” Can you tell us a little bit more about your theory?
Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. The premise of my book is: if you keep dating the same type of person and keep repeating a dating pattern that’s not working, it’s time to make some new choices that will likely lead to new results!
The book isn’t about settling (in fact, I dedicated it to fabulous single women who should never feel they have to settle in order to settle down) – it’s about bringing more consciousness and a new approach to the pursuit of love so you are more likely to find a healthy relationship.
2. How can women break the pattern of being attracted to a toxic type of man?
The first step in breaking a pattern is bringing consciousness around the pattern. You have to ask yourself: Am I good version of myself with the guys I’m dating? I think too much dating advice focuses on the man (ways to land a guy, approaches to take) – yes, those are fun tips that can help in the short-term but at the end of the day, effective relationships start with YOU.
It’s important to do a simple cost benefit analysis if you want to stop dating toxic guys. How much is it costing you to stay with toxic guys and how much is it costing you to walk away? There are so many amazing women I interviewed for this book who regret all the hours, days and years they spent with men who could never give them what they wanted. One woman woke up at 40 and realized she had wasted her time for six years with a guy who completely disrespected her. She felt like she spent her 30s chasing someone who indicated early on that he wouldn’t give her what she wanted.
Another woman I interviewed said, “After I broke my pattern it was liberating….with a good guy there are no games. No wondering Does he like me, is he mad at me? There is no self-induced torture, no If only I were thinner, prettier, more his type…Now I get to be me – no apologies.“Here’s another hint: Don’t confuse nice with boring! There are plenty of nice and good guys who are interesting and passionate. You don’t need a toxic guy to stay interested – trust me.
3. Many people believe that “opposites attract.” After all the research you put into your book, were there any findings to support this claim as truth or myth?
I think that we judge ‘opposites’ in a pretty superficial way. We can look at Heidi Klum and Seal and think they’re ‘mismatched,’ but chances are good that they share deep values. Sharing core values is the key to success in a relationship, in my opinion.
4. Which are the most common “types” of men that women are drawn to and how would you describe them in general?
In the book, I divided the non-types into three sections: The Departure Non-Type (the opposite of your usual choice – so if you think you only date extroverts, you may be surprised to know an introvert is better suited), The Superficial Non-Type (this is a guy who doesn’t add up on paper for superficial reasons – he earns less than you do, he’s shorter than you, etc. You may say you would never be with a guy under 5’10” and realize that height isn’t a dealbreaker), The Circumstantial Non-Type (this is a situation in which a guy adds up on paper but his circumstances don’t. For instance, you may think you would never date long distance and find yourself confused when you fall for a guy who lives in another state).
There are so many ‘types’ of guys – the key is not making generalizations about any of them! You may find your match with one of the types (e.g – “The Artist”) who you swore you would never be with if he brings out great qualities in you.
5. We understand you followed your own advice when you married a man who was a “non-type.” When did you first realize you needed to go in that direction?
I moved back to Toronto from California after the end of a serious relationship and took a few months to re-connect with myself and get really clear on what I needed and wanted in and out of a relationship. It was a hard time, but I’m so glad I consciously took a step back and checked in with myself.
I joke that I accidentally fell in love with Michael (and in many ways it’s true! He was my friend and I didn’t see him that way); but I had done some solid self-work before I was able to get there….
At the end of the day, falling in love is a feeling – not a thought. I felt connected to him before I even understood what that meant.
6. In your opinion, what should women look out for in a man if they want to be in a happy and healthy relationship?
In my book I devised new checklists to use to find love, including The Four Essential Ingredients: Is the man a good lover, partner, companion and friend? I don’t think you should settle for a guy who doesn’t add up that way.
7. Now you are going on a whirlwind book tour. Please tell our readers where they can find you!
One reason I’m doing the book tour is because I love meeting fans and engaging with women! As much as I enjoy writing, my favorite thing in the world is connecting with people. I hope people will find me in the cities I’m visiting.