I wake up at eight o’clock in the morning on a Saturday. My first date with this new girl will be happening in twelve hours. I spend the first hour lying in bed sweating. Hour two is spent trying to fall back to sleep whilst concurrently batting away thoughts and feelings of inadequacy and a poorly conceived tattoo that I have to remember to cover. Hour three is spent shaving my arms so my tattoo will be visible as an ice-breaker when awkward silence will inevitably come within the first two minutes of inception. Hour four is spent ruminating over the fact that the activity spent during hour two and the activity spent during hour three are completely contradictory.
Hour five is spent finding a way to eat something without spending any money, as I must conserve all currency for tonight’s rendezvous. The first three minutes of hour six are spent trying to go run for the first time in a year. The next fifty five minutes are spent crying to myself while trying to walk. Hour seven is spent playing Tetris®, as it is the one activity in my life where all of the pieces fall perfectly into place. I can’t find where to fit a piece and inevitably leave a hole. I stop playing Tetris. I start playing Tetris again because I still cannot stand up fully due to activities completed in hour six. Hour eight is spent panicking as I try to remember my date’s first name.
Hour nine is spent showering, washing myself obsessively until I either run out of soap or my hands start bleeding. Hour ten is spent trying to stop the bleeding. Hour eleven is all about cologne. Hour twelve is spent yelling at my car’s GPS as I get completely lost within one mile of leaving my house. Hour thirteen is our date. How do you prepare for a date?