I have never really had a Jewish girlfriend. Sure, I have gone on JDates, and my first girlfriend was, and still is, Jewish. We consecrated our love in a phone booth of a fancy hotel during a mutual friend’s Bat Mitzvah. Actually, the consecration started in a janitorial closet. It was my first kiss, and her fiftieth…or fifty-first. I don’t know how promiscuous a young girl can be but, at thirteen, she was pushing the boundaries of what was acceptable for a pre-teen, young adult, or middle-aged woman. At that time, I had been inundated with so many warnings from sexual education classes in school that as soon as we kissed, I was sure that I had contracted something other than cooties.
After I tested negative for at the age of 13, I was reborn. My second girlfriend was half-Jewish and is now full-lesbian. I try to suppress the notion that I was the catalyst for her never wanting to be physical with a man for the rest of her life, but it’s difficult. It is especially hard when all evidence points to me as her last boyfriend ever. Theoretically, she was with me, and immediately thereafter decided to never be with anybody that resembles me in any way. Her whole existence and beliefs in love, intimacy, and philosophy on what a relationship is and can be was completely based on my physical and emotional failures as a man. I still cringe when I think about her breakup phone call to me. Though, she probably simply said something like, “I think we’re in different places right now. We are growing apart,” I should have read it as her saying, “I henceforth give up on the male sex. You have not only failed me, but you have failed the essence of femininity. Because of you, I never want to look at a male ever again. I have now given up on fifty percent of humanity.”
As soon as I finished that last paragraph, the song, She Has a Girlfriend Now, by Reel Big Fish, came on through my headphones. If that’s not a sign that G-d is screaming at me that her lesbian-tendency was a direct result of my inability to fulfill the minimum that is required to be a man, then I don’t know what is. I hope you find someone that has everything you need.