I’m on an airplane right now typing this into my phone. The phone obviously has no internet as I am writing this into a text message that I won’t be able to send to myself until we land.
I can say with relative certainty that the row that I’m sitting in is the heaviest row on the plane. I have been in heavy rows before (refer to Houston to Chicago ’03), but there is a 30% chance that this one will cause the plane to fall tail-first from the sky. There’s a reason that the cliché that commercial airlines somehow always put you in between two obese people exists. I must now note that it is extremely difficult to type this without the two people seeing what I write. However, if they do see this, there is not much that they can threaten me with as they have already crushed my ribs and I can no longer feel my arms. And now the flight attendants are passing out cookies. At the very least, they are masochists who exist solely through inflicting physical pain onto my precious body.
Yes, I realize that it is hypocritical to complain about overweight people as I am not at my desired body mass index, but this is bordering on brutality. I honestly do not understand the physics of air flight. I think that modern aviation will be due for some changes after we crash somewhere in southern New Mexico. At least we can all be happy that the Rapture didn’t occur last Friday. Our date with judgment can wait another few days.