Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:
I recently stopped dating a man I met on JDate. He pursued me very actively for months and then just decided he wasn’t over his marriage enough to be in a relationship. It turns out that, although his profile said he was divorced, he is not and the divorce is very contentious with cruelty on both sides.
Logically, I know that it is best to separate myself from this man. But I developed feelings in the process and am feeling very hurt, not to mention foolish. At least I was able to tell him that we were just in completely different places emotionally. I want to re-marry and to have a committed relationship. But now am so afraid. What do you recommend?
— Hurt in Houston
I don’t blame you for feeling hurt but, please, try not to feel foolish. A fool is someone who ignores the truth, but this guy flat-out lied to you. The only “mistake” you made is entering this relationship with an open and vulnerable heart, and that isn’t a mistake at all — it’s courageous, and the only way to find lasting love with someone.
The only thing that heals hurt and disappointment is time and distance. Spend some quality time with people who love, support and appreciate you, and try not to give this jerk another thought. One way of looking at it is like this: He has hurt you X amount because of what he has done. Every month, day and hour longer you dwell on what he did, you are handing him that much more power. Don’t be hurt — be indignant!
If it makes you feel any better, I was once dumped by a guy only a few weeks into our relationship — and he had pursued me for an entire year. After we started dating, he decided he couldn’t deal with my cats. Of course, he knew I had cats the whole year he was pursuing me, so go figure!
— The Matchmaker Rabbi