Dear [People on My Facebook Page/Friends],

With [two days off of work/Rosh Hashanah] over, it’s time to look forward to Yom Kippur. And as always, that means [apologizing for stuff that isn’t my fault/penance], because [God says I have to/it’s always good to take stock of where things stand with our loved ones]. So I am writing to set things right with [you jerks who crowd my space/my family and friends]. Since I [can’t be bothered to do this in person/couldn’t reach out to all of you in time], the mass communication method seems like the [best cop-out/most practical way to go].

To that end, please fill out the following form and send it back to me [never/before Kol Nidre], so I [won’t have to deal with this again/can apologize properly].

1.  Name: ________________

2.  How I know you: [Family member/Friend/Currently stalking you on JDate]

3.  How long I’ve known you: _______________

4. What I allegedly did wrong:

A) _______________

B) ________________

C) ________________

D-Z)_______________________________

5. Are you sure [THING I DID] was really my fault? [YES/NO]

5a.  Are you lying? [YES/NO]

6. Was [THING I DID] so bad that if Jews believed in hell, I would go there? [YES/NO] (If “YES,” please describe)

7.  Would money/food/other gifts help paper over [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]

8. Are you going to let [THING I DID] go if I apologize? [YES/NO]

Note: If answer to #8 is “NO,” skip question #10.

If applicable: 8a) Will an apology get you to drop any pending lawsuits related to [THING I DID]? [YES/NO]

9.  Is [THING I DID] forgivable? [YES/NO]

10.  How I can make [THING I DID] up to you: __________________________

11. Will you still forgive [THING I DID] when invariably I don’t perform #10? [YES/NO]

And remember that for whatever I’ve done wrong over the last year, I am truly [without fault/sorry].

Steve Hofstetter is an internationally touring comedian who has been seen on VH1, ESPN, and Comedy Central®, but you’re more likely to have seen him on the last Barbara Walters Special.
David Jelenko is a talent manager with Next Round Entertainment and is that rarest of breeds: a Jew in the entertainment business.

*Comedy Central is a registered trademark of Comedy Partners, a wholly-owned division of Viacom Inc.’s MTV Networks.

3 Comments

  1. I think “mass” is an unfortunate choice of words.

  2. David Aharon Lindzon

    For those of you who may not be aware, there is a prayer in the Sephardic and Nusach Ha-Arizal Siddurim that preface the bedtime Krias Shma with a blanket forgiveness to anyone who harmed you in any manner.

    Please take a look at it.

    This prayer was formulated in the 16th or 17th Century

    The Chabad-Lubavitch of your local area may be able to assist you in finding and printing that prayer for you… you do not have to wait until thhe 10 days of repentence to say this.

  3. This guy knows the a to z. Whatever that means. 😉

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