Believe it or not, the life of the single Jewish person isn’t all nerve-wracking pain, disappointment, frustration, stress and heartache. Okay, perhaps I’m being overly optimistic. But there are a couple of positive things to be said about being single. No, really! For example, the world is filled with fascinating occupations and I’ve gained invaluable experience in most of them simply through dating. As a result, my resume is now thirty-four pages long. But I use a smaller font, so it seems more like seventeen.
Don’t misunderstand – I’m not simply referring to the knowledge gained by hearing about my various dates’ jobs. That would also be a very important source of learning about a wide variety of occupations. I say “would be” because these women generally don’t have my complete attention since, as they’re speaking, I find myself pondering one of three major thoughts:
1. I wonder if she doesn’t want a second date with me as much as I don’t want a second date with her?
2. Still, I wonder what she looks like naked.
3. Of all the Three Stooges, Shemp never really got the respect he so richly deserved.
No, I’m talking about the actual, specific career skills I’ve learned simply through the skills one needs to successfully navigate the online dating waters. Take my recent dating relationship with Sarah (a pseudonym I’ve chosen to protect Amy’s identity). Though far from being a professional actor, I nonetheless used my finest thespian skills to convince Sarah that my favorite way to spend a Sunday afternoon was, same as hers, to take part in the Occupy L.A. protest and make our feelings known about corporate greed. What a coincidence, Sarah! My, we simply have so much in common! And you look so sexy holding that “Hey, Corporate America, Where’s My Bailout?” sign!
Next, I summoned my best abilities as an amateur psychologist to make Sarah understand that, due to her never having received the love she so desperately desired from her father, she was determined to find a father figure in her romantic relationships. This became crystal clear to her when I reminded her of all our intimate times together, in which she would encourage me to shout out, “Who’s your daddy?” She wanted to understand more about her father fixation, but unfortunately I let her know that our hour was up and we’d continue it at the next session. I also reminded her that I hadn’t received her last two payments and that I’d really hate to have to turn this over to a collection agency.
I’d always considered being a magician to be a glamorous career and fortunately, during my relationship with Sarah, I gained loads of experience making single-guy things disappear. Before Sarah’s first visit to my place, I made all photos, letters, gifts, and traces of other relationships vanish into thin air. Clothes on the floor, gone. Dirt and dust, gone. DVDs and magazines, the titles of which we needn’t repeat here, gone. My ear hair, nose hair, and assorted hair from additional body locations – gone. Abracadabra! Penn & Teller, eat your hearts out! The Great Markini has done it again! I’d be working ship cruises and Vegas casinos in no time.
Thanks to Sarah’s being high-maintenance, I received a plethora of opportunities to exercise my skills as an accountant, estimating which portion of my income I’d need to reserve for restaurants, gifts, trips, flowers, cultural events – you name it. And she did. I figured out how many deductions we could take if we were married, had kids, used a home office. I even envisioned a romantic ending, in which we’d both plead guilty for involvement in a fraudulent offshore tax shelter scheme, be sentenced to community service, and there, Sarah would change into a caring, sensitive, low-maintenance person, tell me money doesn’t matter, and that only love shall be our bond. As you see, I lead a vivid fantasy life.
The point is that the dating process offers invaluable opportunities to develop a plethora of practical, career-related experience – which will make you much more marketable for future jobs in today’s challenging economy. On a personal level, the woman I end up with won’t just get a man; she’ll get a scientist, a security guard, a cook, a politician, a masseur, a mechanic, a social worker, an athlete, and much more. Perhaps that’s why it’s taking me so long to find her – I want to make sure all of those guys love her as much as I do.