Dear Matchmaker Rabbi:
I am everything a man could want: outgoing, witty, warm, caring, fun, educated, athletic, confident, musician, professional, mentally and financially stable. I’ve been on every website, dated lots of men, gone to many single weekends, but I just can’t find the one.
I feel it’s because perhaps men feel intimidated by me and my accomplishments; they don’t want to travel to date; they are commitment-phobics; they are not mentally and financially stable. What should I do?
— Dream Come True
Dear Dream Come True:
You didn’t sign yourself ‘dream come true’ but I’ve given you this moniker. Why? Because I believe you. You probably are a guy’s dream come true!
Are there a lot of men who feel intimidated by outgoing, successful women who are not emotionally needy and who won’t become financially dependent on them (and hence … easier to control)? Absolutely there are.
Do some men not want to travel to date? Sure. (Probably an equal amount of women don’t want to either. Long distance relationships are difficult to maintain, and they also create a big hurdle in really getting to know the other person.)
Are many men commitment-phobics? Absolutely they are. Some women are too, but far more men than women seem to have this problem. (I don’t know why this is by the way, and given that we women still primarily fill the role of child-rearing, it’s a question I think we should start seriously asking ourselves when we become parents. Why are so many men growing up without understanding the rewards of family, partnership and commitment?)
Lastly, are some men not mentally or financially stable? Sure. But you don’t want those guys anyway, so cross them off the list.
In answer to your question: “What should I do?” — you should keep on trying. You don’t need to find a football team — you only need to find that One Special Guy who isn’t a commitment phobe and who won’t find you intimidating.
In the meanwhile, as you are looking, you should also be fair and put yourself through a critical self-assessment. You think of yourself as “fun” and “outgoing” — are you sure that doesn’t slip into being overly loud or obnoxious sometimes? You are proud of your career success (as you should be), but do you take care to not be flashy about it and to be modest with your achievements? That’s a nice quality for men, not just women, to have, but acting overly self-confident seems to rub men in particular the wrong way.
My point here is that none of us is perfect. Keep trying, don’t change in any fundamental way, and don’t, for goodness sakes, “settle.” But at the same time, be honest with yourself.
Get some feedback from close friends and even guy friends about what ways you might be inadvertently sabotaging yourself. There are a few great books out there that can also help you do that. Calling in the One by Katherine Woodward Thomas is one that comes to mind.
— The Matchmaker Rabbi