Dear Rabbi Singer,
I’ve been on JDate for a few weeks. There are several men I’m interested in meeting, but I’ve been burned on other dating sites by emailing men and never hearing back. I’m pretty, thin, successful, funny and smart. Dating is never a problem once I meet someone. However, it seems like the online space is a man’s playground where women need to wait to be picked. Is there some way to get on a man’s radar on JDate that isn’t too forward and gets the conversation going?
-Should I Write or Wait?
Dear Write or Wait,
Let’s analyze the situation (isn’t that what rabbis do?). There are two possible reasons why the men you’re interested in haven’t contacted you:
1) They simply haven’t come across your profile.
2) They have seen your profile and decided not to contact you.
If they haven’t seen your profile, which is a valid possibility considering the massive number of profiles online and the limited attention span of most searchers, then I think you’ve got everything to gain from sending them a note, telling them that you came across their profile and are interested in learning more about them. If they ignore you or respond that they’re not interested, big deal. What have you lost, a few extra minutes at the keyboard and a tiny scratch on your ego? If you’re serious about meeting someone, you need to take some chances.
BUT, if they had already seen your profile and passed on contacting you (I’m not sure if there’s a way of seeing who views your profile, but if there is, you’ll know if they’ve seen and passed), then you need to analyze why that happened. Is there something about your profile that you can improve upon? Your photos, you essay questions? Try downloading the eBook I wrote, “The Guide to a Winning Online Profile.” It should give you some useful pointers.
Here’s the bottom line: If a guy is interested, he’ll be happy to get an email from you. In fact, short of stalking him and placing a dead rabbit in his bathtub, there’s very little that will turn off an interested guy. Don’t worry so much and just contact him.