As a long-time fan of yours and a great admirer of your work, I was saddened to hear, within the past several years, of your filing for an annulment of your marriage to country music singer Kenny Chesney. As a divorced man myself, I know the anguish and depression the end of a marital relationship can bring. Granted, yours was four months long and mine was fourteen years, but I believe similar feelings are engendered in any marital break-up, with the possible exception of Britney Spears’ two-day marriage to Jason Allen Alexander. No doubt a milkshake and a new dress were more than sufficient to help her get over that one.
In a written statement to the Hollywood press, you asked the media to refrain from rumor-mongering and said that you and Chesney “hope to experience this transition as privately as possible.” Of course, I will respect your wishes. In fact, to be honest, I was reluctant to write this at all, wishing to afford you complete privacy.
But then I heard that your subsequent relationship with actor Bradley Cooper had also come to an end after just over a year, and I was saddened for you again. I realized that perhaps I could offer an insight that could provide you with some comfort and possibly even some future direction during this upsetting time alone. And I didn’t want to deny you that.
You see, Renee, sometimes it takes someone outside of your circle of friends and family to have the perspective of seeing your life and problems as they truly are and offering some insight into resolving them. I believe I am that person for you. I see so clearly where you have gone astray romantically, and exactly what you need to get back on track. Renee, here it is in a nutshell: you need a Jewish man.
Oh, sure, you could be saying to yourself, “I was chosen by People Magazine as one of the 50 most beautiful people in the world… I have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame… I have an Oscar. Do I really need a Jewish man?” Yes.
Yes, yes, I know. You’re not Jewish; few Norwegians are. You’re blonde. Slender. Oprah looks more Jewish than you do. And correct me if I’m mistaken, but your romantic track record isn’t exactly Jew-filled. Let’s see, there was actor Rory Cochrane, singer Damien Rice, singer Jack White, actor Jim Carrey, and singer Kenny Chesney. A veritable Goy Fest! And all performers, too. Let’s just put the Jewish issue aside for a moment and focus on their all being performers. Renee, you’re a performer, so you know. Performers have the reputation of being flakey, self-obsessed and constantly going from one superficial relationship to another – present company excluded, of course. Besides, when you come home from a hard day’s filming, the last thing you need is a dark, empty house because Jim is on location in Italy, or Kenny has a concert in North Carolina, or Bradley is being interviewed by Entertainment Tonight. You need a man with a regular 9 to 5 job, who will be there for you at the end of the day to share a hot meal and a warm hug.
And Jewish men, as no doubt you’ve heard, are loyal, trustworthy, professional, hard-working, non-cheating, compassionate, culture and education-loving good souls. They are fully able to work hard at their jobs and still find time and energy to be involved in household chores, child care, shared spousal teamwork and family activities. Their kids grow up with great role models and their wives know the joy of having a true teammate in life. They’re mensches, Renee. That’s Yiddish for a human being – a decent, responsible person with admirable characteristics. Don’t you deserve such a man, Renee? Of course you do. And once you have him, he’ll teach you many more fascinating Yiddish words and phrases which you can then use in show business, which, from what I hear, employs many of the Chosen People.
Finally, Renee, since you seem to be so fond of singers and actors, here’s a little wisdom from Cher, who straddles both fields: “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing — and then marry him.” Don’t let that happen to you again, Renee. You deserve better. You deserve the best. Marry a Jewish man. If you do, one day, I swear, he’ll be telling you how much he worships and adores you, how much you mean to him, how your very existence in his life is a precious, priceless miracle. And then, at least the way I see it, Renee, when he finishes speaking, you’ll tenderly take his hands and, with tears of complete fulfillment in your eyes, say to him, “You had me at shalom.”