Dating within the Orthodox sect of Judaism comes with some of the most traditional religious practices of any spiritually-focused romantic endeavor out there. As a people, Jews who follow this belief system are held to a series of definitive expectations, meaning there is a righteous way to pursue a spouse, as opposed to Western dating habits that defy Jewish customs or law.
For men and women alike, Orthodox Jewish dating rules have more or less stayed the same since the early teachings of the Torah, but modern technology and cultural shifts have inevitably forced single Orthodox individuals to re-think their approaches to fit a modern lifestyle. In this blog, we’ll take a look at the different practices that all Orthodox Jews are required to follow during the dating process and analyze how these traditions have evolved in modern times.
Overview of Orthodox Jewish Dating Traditions
There are quite a few Orthodox Jewish dating rules described in the Torah that apply exclusively to either men, women, or both parties, but it helps first to understand what sets courtship as an Orthodox follower apart in comparison to other forms of Judaism.
The Shidduch
While modern dating has largely left the pursuit of a partner up to an individual’s curiosity and surroundings, Orthodox singles have always been at the mercy of the “Shidduch” system, which is a traditional form of matchmaking. In this format, the matchmakers, or “Shadchanim,” are tasked with assessing personality traits and determining compatibility with the opposite sex so that the couple has a viable emotional connection, lifestyle, and, most importantly, are aligned in their religious observance. In some instances, family and friends can take on this role or even orchestrate the process altogether.
Obeying Tzniut
One of the quintessential elements of traditional Jewish matchmaking is ensuring that your prospective partner obeys the principles of “Tzniut,” which consists of strict rules regarding modesty throughout the dating process. Not only does this refer to dressing conservatively and limiting physical contact due to “Shomer Negiah,” which prohibits touching members of the opposite sex outside the family, but it also means that dates themselves are chaperoned, offering third parties the opportunity to observe the compatibility for themselves. This requires a certain level of expectation and etiquette from both the man and the woman, as they know they’re being watched, so they have to be on their best behavior while also showing their own discernment at the moment.
Intentionality and Community Involvement
At the heart of any traditional Orthodox matchmaking process is the ability to gauge intentionality and how it fits in the context of a possible serious, long-term relationship. This is partially why the Shidduch system requires supervision, so that the introductions, talking points, and activities can all be curated with the purpose of discussing family, goals, Torah, and religious views in general. The idea is to learn about what motivates each of you individually while evaluating how your relationship can properly honor God through devout faith and obedience as a couple.
And while you’re ultimately tasked with making your own conclusion about a prospective companion, it’s not uncommon for your family and close friends to play a part in the advice and approval of a potential spouse. This is because, ultimately, you go into this process with a mindset of whether this person is right for your future or they’re not — and most of your peers will come together and form a conclusion, possibly apart from your own. It’s important for you to understand this beforehand, as they have your faith and best interests at heart. While compromise is possible, it’s a protection so you’re not distracted by superficial qualities.
Dating Rules for Orthodox Women
While Orthodox dating is more thoughtfully planned and executed by the family as a whole, it’s undoubtedly true that the women have a more conservative lifestyle than that of Orthodox men. Here are a few of the core principles they’re expected to follow.
- Full-Cover Dress – It’s common for Orthodox women to dress in blouses with long sleeves and full-length skirts in order to conceal their skin and display a traditional form of modesty.
- Limited Male Interaction – To prevent flirtation or lust, Orthodox women are typically reserved to interacting with their next of kin and close friends to avoid any temptation.
- Traditional Gender Roles – Because the woman’s role in a traditional Jewish household is to raise a family and maintain religious observance, she’s tasked with evaluating her potential husband based on his ability to uphold an outstanding Orthodox environment.
- Final Say in Spouse Approval – While the matchmakers, family, and friends all have some degree of influence on who their subject should marry, ultimately, the woman’s decision is final, ensuring she’s happy to proceed in marriage.
- Modern Autonomy – Orthodox women today are privileged to have more personal freedom in all aspects of their lives, including dating. This means weighing intellectual compatibility and career ambitions in addition to religious lifestyle, but it’s still common to seek approval from family elders.
Required Dating Etiquette of Orthodox Men
While men are not generally disposed to the same standards as women in Orthodox culture, there is still a certain level of expectation for them to maintain conservative practices and demonstrate strong faith and morals. These are some more in-depth requirements for the men.
- Displaying Chesed – Treating a woman with respect and the dignity they deserve is synonymous across cultures, but the demands of “Chesed” in the Torah call exclusively on men to display kindness and consideration on their dates, even absorbing any costs.
- Showing Modesty in Approach – While dressing in a formal suit and hat is traditional, men are also expected to show restraint and act appropriately, refraining from physical touch or overzealous language.
- Balancing Spiritual and Career Focus – Showcasing knowledge of the Torah while also outlining career and familial ambitions are common details the man will want to highlight in order to prove his worthiness to the woman he’s courting.
- Maturity to Start a Family – While it will be up to the woman to decide if the man is worthy, if a man is able to clearly state his future goals and propose a plan for financial security, then he is fit to pursue marriage.
- Exhibiting Strong Moral Character – Like financial or professional maturity, a man should display that his morals are obedient to the Torah in both the personal and religious sense, which helps the woman to know if he’s someone she can start a family with.
Is Modern Orthodox Dating Evolving?
It’s no secret that the evolution of Orthodox dating is happening right before our eyes. Modern adaptions include women taking on much more autonomy than they had in the past, and the advent of new technologies like online dating apps has allowed Orthodox Jews to utilize their own specialized platform to meet other single individuals within their sect.
While digital innovations are leading to a more connected Orthodox community overall, they also help to streamline new interactions that may lead to a devout and harmonious marriage, which is the goal of any conservative relationship. Revolutionary apps like Jdate have welcomed Orthodox members to their dating service with open arms, allowing them to dictate their expectations and preferences down to the most specific detail to ensure they find exactly what they’re looking for in a partner. Think of it as a modern, digital Shidduch.
Not only does this give the individuals a more direct form of contact with prospective matches, but they also don’t have to worry about advancing to the dating portion of a relationship until they’re ready. Because an advanced algorithm can match users based on the information provided in their comprehensive dating profiles, an in-person interaction can quickly reveal whether or not the other person is being true to their word or not. This helps remove uncertainty in the goals of a relationship, as Orthodox Jews are focused on marriage above all else.
If you’re a part of the Orthodox Jewish community and are open to experimenting with online dating platforms, sign up for Jdate today and explore our Orthodox members on our website and mobile app for yourself. We cater to all sects of Judaism, so simply select “Orthodox” as your religious preference when signing up, and then the rest of the questions can be answered on a personal level. With thousands of users active in your area, finding a viable Orthodox spouse has never been easier. Join now and find your Bashert today!
