There are a lot of attractive, intelligent, classy women out there who’d love to meet the right man. Sadly, they may have already gone out with him, but wouldn’t have given him a second chance because of mistakes he made on the first date.
It’s true that first dates can be nerve-wracking, and it’s not uncommon for a man on such an occasion to open his mouth and inadvertently insert one or both feet into it, but everyone would benefit if men had a better understanding of what the really great women are looking for on a first date.
In this age of instant gratification, many otherwise intelligent men mistakenly believe that the more quickly they make a connection, the better, but relationships established on flimsy foundations are likely be superficial, unsatisfying and short-lived.
Many men believe there must be instant physical chemistry with a woman. This isn’t always true. Sometimes what people think is chemistry is simply a sense of familiarity, and this isn’t always a good thing. Sometimes, as two people get closer, attraction can grow and blossom into true passion.
Intimacy is defined as knowing and being known, caring and being cared for. These are things that can’t and shouldn’t be rushed. In past times there was an art to courtship, with romance progressing more gradually. People had time to get to know each other, and discover if a real bond was possible.
Today, people have little patience, let alone tolerance for allowing things to evolve. They cram everything into the first date: all their hopes, fears and expectations, and too often, this backfires.
Here’s a list of ten first date behaviors that will significantly decrease the likelihood of a second date:
1: Talking too much and not listening enough. Being on the receiving end of a wall of words is not a fun time for most women. Men should know that many women use the first date to judge the guy’s ability to listen. If he’s talking up a storm and failing to draw her out, she’ll take it as a sign of things to come.
2: Interrogating their date instead of wooing her. A woman wants a man to show genuine interest, but a barrage of personal questions will make her very uncomfortable. If they’re going to get closer, she’d like to do so gradually, without feeling like her boundaries are being overstepped.
3: Assuming an intimacy before it has happened. Men need to be realistic about the level of closeness that exists between two people. Being overly familiar on a first date is inappropriate and off-putting. Women respond better to someone who is warm, polite and respectful at the outset.
4: Behaving boorishly: Rude jokes, excessive teasing, overtly sexual talk, angry complaining, discussions of money or bad table manners are offensive to women who are looking to meet a gentleman.
5: Talking about future goals or one’s personal philosophy. These are discussions for a later date. What some men fail to see is that the first date should be light and easy; an opportunity to get a sense of the other person. If the man seems pleasant and shows genuine interest in her, most women will be happy to try a second date. Too much, too soon is overwhelming.
6: Trying too hard to please or impress her. This will make a smart woman suspicious. A confident woman is looking for a man who can be himself and let her to decide if she likes what she sees.
7: Oversharing. Too much personal information on a first date is like putting the cart before the horse, as there’s no context for sharing the intimate details of one’s life. Instead of making a woman feel closer, it’s burdensome and alienating.
8: Talking about their ex. No-one wants to hear about the ex on a first date. That’s a story for later on. When a man discusses his ex on a first date, the woman feels that there’s a third person on the date with them, and it’ll make her wonder whether the guy hasn’t gotten over the relationship.
9: Trying to force a connection. Men need to understand that if a connection is going to happen, it will, eventually. They’re better off being kind, courteous and attentive, and allowing things to unfold naturally.
10: Appearing cheap. Despite it seeming old-fashioned, many women prefer that the man pay on the first date, as it’s an obvious way for him to demonstrate at the outset that he’s generous and nurturing. Later on, they can come to an agreement about finances, but a man who insists on going dutch on date number one appears unwilling to share his money (and perhaps his affection as well).
A first date is just one small step in the journey toward love. Seeing it this way takes the pressure off everyone and makes it possible to enjoy the date. It’s also much more conducive to creating the kind of genuine, lasting intimacy that’s most fulfilling to both men and women.
Dr. Marcia Sirota is a contributor to JDATE. See more of Dr. Marcia Sirota's articles here.
