In today’s fast-paced world, dating can be complicated. It often feels more like a roller coaster ride than a meaningful journey to love and commitment. Finding someone who aligns with your values and goals is a real challenge.
Dating success requires effort, intention, and careful thought. This is where intentional dating comes in. This buzzwordy term applied to dating can seem hard to understand at first. Intentional dating means dating with clear goals in mind. This type of dating requires preparation, effort, and an openness to new experiences.
What Is Intentional Dating?
Intentional dating is often called dating with a purpose. Unlike casual dating, which usually focuses on fun and chemistry, intentional dating means consciously seeking a partner who shares your values, goals, and life vision. It’s not about forcing a connection but rather fostering meaningful conversations that reveal long-term potential.
In Jewish dating, intentionality has always played a role, whether in a traditional shidduch or a modern Jewish singles mixer. However, today’s dating world, influenced by social media, dating apps, and shifting relationship norms, requires a renewed focus on intentionality to navigate it successfully.
Benefits of Intentional Dating
Intentional dating offers several advantages, such as:
- Saves Time – No more wasting months on relationships that don’t align with your values.
- Reduces Emotional Burnout – Fewer mismatched connections mean fewer heartbreaks.
- Promotes Self-Discovery – Helps you understand your own needs and non-negotiables.
- Encourages Meaningful Conversations – Facilitates deeper connections early on.
- Leads to Healthier Relationships – Builds a foundation of honesty, trust, and shared values.
Intentional dating is about not compromising or being distracted by a potential partner who is ok, or not so bad. It’s about committing yourself to finding true love and making a plan to achieve it.
In essence, you take control of your romantic life, focusing on what truly matters rather than getting caught up in fleeting chemistry or superficial attraction.
Why Is Modern Dating So Challenging?
Modern dating often seems like a maze of swipes, quick matches, and a lot of benchings or ghostings. Everyone tells you that your special someone is out there, that there is someone for everyone, but when you dip your toes into dating, you often feel more frustrated than fulfilled. You end up wondering: Is it me, or is modern dating just hard?
You’re not alone in feeling discouraged and overwhelmed. Singles of all backgrounds struggle with the challenges of dating.
- Overwhelmed by Choice – With so many options on dating apps, people may struggle to commit.
- Fear of Vulnerability – Asking deep questions can feel uncomfortable, especially early on.
- Cultural Expectations – Some singles face family or community pressure regarding marriage timelines and partner choices.
- Differing Relationship Goals – Some people date for fun, while others date for marriage, causing mismatches.
Understanding these challenges can help you approach dating with realistic expectations and avoid unnecessary frustration.
How Do You Date with Intention?
Called intentional dating, strategic dating, or dating with purpose, this type of dating means being clear-eyed about what you want and taking the steps to get it.
Define Your Dating Goals
The first step is to get really clear about not just what you want but what you need from dating. Are you looking for something casual or a lasting relationship? Are marriage and having children important right now or in the future? Or not at all? What milestones will mark the achievement of your relationship goals?
Identify and write down your dating wants: preferences, desires, and must-haves. When working on your list, avoid characteristics such as physical features. Instead, focus on shared cultural and religious values and how your partner makes you feel.
Once you’ve listed everything, prioritize the list so you know which ones are the most important to you. Check your list regularly and adjust it if your priorities change.
Be Your Authentic Self
At JDate, we always recommend being your authentic self. When you are with someone you find charming and attractive, it’s natural to want them to think you are charming and attractive as well. Of course, you want to make a good first impression. But not by abandoning the values that make you uniquely you.
This is critical. The only way to be sure your potential partner values what is unique to you is by showing up as your authentic self. This dramatically increases the odds of meeting your person and saves you time and energy over time.
Follow Your Own Rules
How soon and how often should I text? How many dates before we become intimate? When should we talk about being exclusive? Before or after we sleep together? Questions like these often arise when you are in a new relationship. Everybody, from your bestie from high school to someone you follow on Instagram, has rules they swear by.
You may worry that you’ll scare your potential partner off if you get one of these rules wrong. But if they are interested in the real you, they won’t be deterred if you bring up being exclusive or if and when to have children. Delaying the conversation won’t change the outcome.
Following the rules that work for you is a part of being authentic. If you’re ready for more, let them know. If you’d like to go slower, that’s okay, too. They may be on the same page, but if they’re not, you have what you need to decide whether or not you want to continue dating.
Stay Committed to Your Goals
Another way to show up authentically is by having an honest and open conversation about your expectations. If it’s meant to be, this conversation can deepen your bond. If it’s not, better to find out as soon as possible.
Being clear from the beginning will save you a lot of heartache. It’s better to know where you stand after a few dates than to spend years wondering whether your partner will become what you need and want them to be.
It requires commitment and courage to stay true to your goals for your future. And it’s not always easy to stand up for your happiness. Committing to your goals means avoiding needless heartache from partners who can’t give you what you need. Keeping the relationship going isn’t fair to you or them.
Know When It’s Time to Say Goodbye
Being your authentic self also means following your gut or intuition. If a potential partner makes you feel unsafe, uncomfortable, or down on yourself during the first date, or any date thereafter, listen to that feeling.
Take note not only of what a potential partner says but also of what they do. Look for any misalignment between word and deed. Be clear about your non-negotiable must-haves and be ok with letting them go if you catch them in a lie or worse.
Sadly, a potential partner who seemed great “on paper” may not be who you expected. By showing up as your authentic self, paying attention to your gut feelings, and going at a comfortable pace, you can tackle issues before any long-term emotional damage occurs. Saying goodbye may be hard, but it’s an essential part of finding the right person.
Intentional Dating Questions to Ask
Now that we’ve set the stage for intentional dating, we’ll explore the types of intentional dating questions that can help you gauge compatibility, along with insights into what red-flag answers look like and what responses signal the potential for a healthy relationship.
Here are key questions to ask in various relationship areas.
Relationship Dynamics
- What does a healthy relationship look like to you?
- How do you handle conflict?
- What is your love language?
- How do you show appreciation in a relationship?
- What role do you believe gender roles play in a relationship?
Why It Matters: Understanding someone’s expectations and approaches to communication, conflict resolution, and emotional expression can indicate compatibility. If someone dismisses healthy conflict resolution or avoids discussing emotional needs, that’s a potential red flag.
Moral Views and Values
- What are your core values?
- How do you define loyalty and trust?
- How important is honesty in a relationship?
- What ethical dilemmas have shaped your perspectives?
Why It Matters: A relationship built on shared values has long-term potential. Differing views on honesty, integrity, or ethical behavior can lead to major conflicts down the road.
Family and Upbringing
- How did your family express love and affection growing up?
- What family traditions are important to you?
- How do you handle family disagreements?
- What kind of relationship do you have with your parents and siblings?
Why It Matters: Family dynamics often shape how we navigate relationships. If someone has unresolved family trauma or strained relationships they refuse to address, it could indicate challenges in forming healthy bonds.
Religious and Spiritual Beliefs
- How do you practice your Judaism?
- What role does Shabbat play in your life?
- How do you feel about raising children with religious traditions?
- Do you keep kosher?
- How important is synagogue or community involvement to you?
Why It Matters: Whether you’re Orthodox, Reform, or somewhere in between, aligning on religious beliefs and practices is crucial. Differences aren’t necessarily deal-breakers, but understanding each other’s expectations prevents misunderstandings.
Financial Habits
- How do you handle budgeting and saving?
- What are your thoughts on debt?
- How do you feel about financial roles in a relationship?
- What financial goals do you have for the future?
Why It Matters: Money can be a major source of relationship conflict. Transparency about spending habits, savings, and financial goals can prevent stress later.
Mental Health and Well-Being
- How do you manage stress?
- Have you ever been in therapy? Would you consider it?
- How do you communicate when you’re struggling emotionally?
- What coping mechanisms do you rely on?
Why It Matters: Mental health is vital to a relationship’s success. If someone refuses to acknowledge emotional well-being or stigmatizes therapy, it could indicate difficulty in handling future challenges together.
Physical Health and Lifestyle
- What does a healthy lifestyle mean to you?
- How do you feel about exercise and diet?
- Do you prioritize work-life balance?
- What are your thoughts on alcohol, smoking, or other habits?
Why It Matters: Lifestyle compatibility, from fitness routines to daily habits, can influence long-term satisfaction. Differing views on health priorities could lead to friction if not addressed early.
Intentional dating doesn’t mean interrogating your date like a detective—it means engaging in meaningful conversations that reveal whether your values and visions align. By asking the right questions, you can save yourself from investing time in incompatible relationships and instead focus on building genuine, lasting connections.
Whether you’re looking for a bashert through traditional or modern means, approaching dating with purpose ensures you’re moving toward a fulfilling and meaningful relationship. So, the next time you go on a date, ask the deeper questions, pay attention to the answers, and most importantly, listen to your gut.
L’chaim to love, laughter, and intentional dating this year!
