Does Playing Hard To Get Really Work?

“Don’t act too into them. Playing hard to get is the way to go.”

“Wait a few days before calling them back, or you’ll seem desperate.”

Well-meaning loved ones constantly bombard us with advice about how to approach our dating lives. Our friends, family and the media all affect how we interact with and relate to others. The very advice that people may think helps us when trying to meet others can actually put us at a disadvantage when it comes to dating. This faulty advice may even drive a wedge between us and our potential match.

Let’s unpack one of the most problematic pieces of advice in the world of dating: that playing hard to get actually works.

The Art of Playing Hard To Get

Playing “hard to get” is often aimed at women, as people tell them not to appear too easy for potential suitors–though today, men often take the same advice. If someone appears too accessible, they seem in need of attention. Worse than that, if a woman is too easy to secure a date with, perhaps it’s because no one else wants to date her.

Instead, the more aloof someone appears, and the quicker they are to brush off suitors, the more popular and important they must be. Right? Well, not necessarily.

Before you follow the advice of playing hard to get and rebuff any romantic advances, it’s important to look at what’s really the case and ensure you’re building healthy and meaningful connections rooted in genuineness.

Many people believe that creating mystery or appearing unavailable will increase interest. This approach has existed in dating cultures for centuries. However, the motivations behind it often say more about fear and insecurity than confidence or connection.

Modern dating encourages self-presentation and transparency, but social expectations sometimes pressure individuals to appear less available to seem more desirable.

Motivations & Intentions

Not everyone uses the strategy of playing hard to get for the same reasons. Some use it consciously, while others may unintentionally come across as aloof due to shyness or emotional guardedness.

Common reasons people play hard to get:

They want to seem more desirable by appearing selective.
They fear rejection and use emotional distance to feel in control.
They have been told that emotional availability looks desperate.
They want to test the other person’s level of interest or persistence.
They believe that delaying gratification creates a stronger emotional bond.

While some of these motivations may come from a place of self-protection, they can also block the very intimacy people seek to build.

In Jewish thought, healthy relationships grow through mutual respect, open communication, and emotional honesty.

From the Torah:

“He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22)

This verse reminds us that finding love is a blessing, not a game. The pursuit of a relationship should be grounded in truth, not manipulation.

Recognizing When Someone Is Playing Hard to Get

Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether someone is genuinely cautious or intentionally playing hard to get. Understanding the signs can help avoid miscommunication, frustration, and wasted emotional energy. It can also guide you in choosing when to pursue someone or step back gracefully.

Judaism values clarity and sincerity in all human interactions. Relationships that begin in confusion or games often struggle to build trust. Recognizing the difference between emotional maturity and emotional distancing can protect your heart and help you invest wisely.

Typical Behaviors & Tactics

Many people associate playing hard to get with calculated delays or mixed signals. These behaviors can create temporary excitement, but they often result in emotional imbalance.

Common signs that someone may be playing hard to get:

They respond to texts slowly, even when consistently online.
They seem interested in person but distant or inconsistent afterward.
They cancel or delay plans frequently without explanation.
They avoid direct communication about interest or commitment.
They become more engaged only when you start to pull away.

If you notice these patterns, take a moment to assess how they make you feel. Confusion and doubt are not healthy foundations for connection. A respectful relationship invites clarity and peace, not guessing games.

From the Torah:

“Let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no.” (Numbers 30:3, interpreted in Jewish ethical teachings)

Honest communication allows people to build relationships based on trust and mutual understanding.

Physical Clues

Behavioral signals are essential, but physical cues often reveal just as much. While some naturally appear reserved or shy, others intentionally use body language to create emotional distance.

Physical clues that may signal someone is playing hard to get:

They make intermittent eye contact but avoid sustained connection.
Their body leans away rather than toward during conversation.
They give compliments reluctantly or sarcastically.
They initiate touch but quickly pull back or shift tone.
Their posture or energy changes depending on who is watching.

These signs can be subtle and do not always mean someone is playing games. However, when combined with emotional inconsistency, they may suggest that someone is trying to maintain control or elicit more interest through the perception of scarcity.

From the Torah:

“Do not place a stumbling block before the blind.” (Leviticus 19:14)

This commandment is often interpreted as a moral warning: do not lead others astray emotionally or ethically. Be mindful of the signals you send and the impact they have.

Playing Hard to Get vs. Being Genuine

At first glance, playing hard to get may look like confidence or self-respect. But in truth, it often masks insecurity or fear of rejection. On the other hand, being genuine means showing up with honesty and clarity, even when it feels vulnerable.

Modern Jewish dating encourages thoughtful connection. Pretending to be disinterested or overly mysterious can delay intimacy and mislead potential partners. It is better to be honest about your interests and intentions than to manipulate someone’s emotions through artificial scarcity.

When people date with integrity, they build relationships that last.

Key differences between playing hard to get and being genuine:

Playing hard to get often uses delay and silence to create desire.
Being genuine communicates boundaries without creating confusion.
Playing hard to get may focus on control and image.
Being genuine prioritizes connection, honesty, and clarity.
Playing hard to get can lead to emotional burnout.
Being genuine builds trust from the beginning.

Judaism values kindness, modesty, and intentional action. There is nothing weak about showing interest when it comes from a place of self-respect and emotional awareness. Genuine connection grows when two people feel seen and valued for who they are, not how well they perform a strategy.

Understanding the Research

Walster et al. (1973) told 71 college students that they would be matched up with women who had already looked at their profiles (along with the profiles of four other men). The researchers manipulated the situation so that the women appeared to be easy to get (the participants were told she said she would date all five men she was provided with), hard to get (she would not date any of the men she was presented with), or selective (she would date the participant, but did not rank the other men she was presented with as high).

Overall, the participants largely preferred the selective woman. Essentially, the men sought women who were interested in dating them, but seemed less interested in other potential matches.

What This Means For You

For the women out there, this means that the “wisdom” that was passed down to us not to act interested in someone that we may potentially like is inaccurate. If you like someone, appearing to be uninterested or too hard to get may actually be a turn-off.

You should let the person know that you are interested so that he or she has a clear signal that if they should ask you out, you would agree. For men, the exact same sentiment holds true.

Is Playing Hard to Get Effective in a Relationship?

Researchers have studied how scarcity and selective responsiveness affect attraction. Some findings show that people may feel more interested when someone appears more complicated. However, that interest often fades if the emotional connection does not follow.

What research shows about the strategy:

Playing hard to get may increase initial curiosity.
Inconsistent communication can trigger anxiety or frustration.
People who seek emotional availability often lose interest quickly.
Long-term satisfaction is closely correlated with honesty and clear communication.
Many people report feeling disrespected or manipulated by this behavior.

Psychologically, this strategy often exploits insecurity. It relies on uncertainty and competition, rather than mutual affection and value alignment. These games may delay or disrupt genuine connections for individuals seeking lasting love, particularly within the Jewish community.

Pros and Cons of Playing Hard to Get

Like many dating strategies, playing hard to get may offer short-term advantages but often leads to long-term complications. Understanding both sides can help you decide whether this approach aligns with your values and goals.

Potential benefits of playing hard to get:

Creates an initial sense of mystery or challenge.
Encourages the other person to pursue and invest effort.
It may help filter out people who are only seeking easy attention.
Can build attraction if done with clear boundaries and respect.

Drawbacks to consider:

Confuses those who value honesty and direct communication.
May attract people who enjoy the chase more than commitment.
Often leads to emotional disconnection or frustration.
It can cause missed opportunities with people who would value a genuine connection.
Reinforces patterns of emotional unavailability, especially for those seeking to break generational cycles.

While a bit of space and self-possession can foster attraction, using manipulation to gain interest contradicts Jewish values of honesty and intentionality. A healthy relationship should not require either person to suppress interest or affection to maintain power.

From the Torah:

“Let love and faithfulness never leave you; bind them around your neck.” (Proverbs 3:3)

This verse emphasizes the importance of love grounded in loyalty and truth. Real connection thrives when both people bring their full selves to the relationship.

Join Jdate Today for Meaningful Connections

Playing hard to get may spark brief interest, but it often leaves people feeling uncertain and emotionally unfulfilled. If you are ready for a relationship grounded in trust, clarity, and shared values, you deserve a space where authenticity is celebrated.

Jdate helps Jewish singles connect with others who are looking for something meaningful. Whether starting fresh or returning to dating with new insight, you can find people who value honest communication, emotional maturity, and spiritual alignment.

How Jdate supports genuine connections:

Profiles focus on personality, lifestyle, and Jewish values.
You can share what you are genuinely looking for in a partner.
Messaging tools encourage open, respectful conversation.
The community shares a cultural and spiritual foundation.
You can approach dating with intention, not games or guesswork.

Jewish tradition teaches that love should be pursued with respect, wisdom, and care. You can honor that teaching by choosing a platform that supports your values and helps you form lasting bonds.

Join Jdate today to find meaningful connections with like-minded, faith-focused matches.