Meeting the family at Hanukkah

What to know, what to bring, and how to shine

Meeting your partner’s family for the first time always comes with a mix of nerves and excitement. But meeting them during Hanukkah, a holiday rooted in tradition, storytelling, and togetherness, adds its own unique layer. Thankfully Hanukkah gatherings are typically warm, low-key, and filled with food. Add in a classic game or two and you’ve got one of the more joyful moments on the Jewish calendar to make a great first impression. 

Whether you’re Jewish or coming in with fresh eyes, we’ve got you covered. Consider this your guide to feeling prepared, confident, and welcomed in the glow of the menorah. 

Hanukkah 101

You don’t need to be an expert, but knowing the basics will help you feel more comfortable around the family. Hanukkah is an eight-night celebration that commemorates two things:

1. The victory of the Maccabees, a small Jewish group who reclaimed the Temple after it had been taken over and desecrated.
2. A miracle that occurred when the Temple was restored and ready to be rededicated and a tiny amount of oil, enough for one night, lasted eight nights until new oil could be prepared 

The heart of the holiday is about perseverance, identity, and the idea that  little light can go a long way. You’ll hear blessings, see candles set into a menorah, and taste foods fried in oil in honor of the miracle.

So…what’s this night going to look like?

Every Jewish family does Hanukkah a little differently, so think of this as a general preview, not a strict itinerary. Expect to walk into a home that smells like frying latkes, last-minute wrapping paper somewhere on the counter, and someone asking if you’ve eaten yet. Food is central and abundant. All family Hanukkah gatherings tend to have a little bit of chaos, as most family holiday celebrations do. You’re likely to find kids spinning dreidels while people negotiate the crispiness level of the latkes. It’s all part of the charm.

There’s usually a moment after sunset where everyone gathers around the menorah for blessings and candle lighting. The order is:

1. Light the shamash (helper candle)
2. Recite the blessings
3. Use the shamash to light the candles. Candles are added right to left, but lit left to right

Some families exchange small gifts each night. Others do one night only. Others skip gifts completely. You can just follow your partner’s lead here!

Gifts that say Happy Hanukkah without going overboard

You’re not expected to show up with eight nights’ worth of presents. But a thoughtful modest gift will go a long way. Some safe, universally loved options are:

• Box of high-quality chocolates or pastries
• Bottle of wine 
• Candle or cozy blanket
• Flowers arranged in a vase
• Cookbook featuring Jewish or Mediterranean cuisine
• Favorite board game (you could even play after dinner!)

All you have to remember is to keep it warm, simple, and thoughtful!

A moment for the menorah

You don’t need to lead the blessings or know Hebrew. Respectful participation is more than enough. Consider these few etiquette tips before the evening begins:

• Stand with everyone and follow your partner’s cues
• If the family invites you to help light, you can say yes, but you can also politely decline if you’re nervous or not Jewish
• Don’t blow out the candles–they burn down naturally
• Compliment the menorah. Many families have emotional ties to theirs

Small talk topics that will actually work

1. Ask about the family’s traditions: Most families love sharing their Hanukkah rituals, childhood memories, or favorite foods. 
2. Compliment the host: A simple, “This is beautiful! Thank you for having me,” will go a long way.
3. Lean into the enthusiasm: If you’re excited about the food, traditions, or learning something new, don’t be afraid to say it. 
4. Avoid the usual: Skip conversations around politics and religious comparisons.
5. Show appreciation for your partner: A quick, sincere comment about what you appreciate about them will warm the hearts of their family.

Navigating Hanukkah as an interfaith partner

You’re not alone. A lot of modern, Jewish families are multicultural, interfaith, or simply used to welcoming guests who are celebrating Hanukkah for the first time. It’s important to remember:

• It’s ok not to know everything
• Respect is what matters most
• Don’t pretend to be more knowledgeable than you are
• Ask your partner ahead of time if there are any family dynamics worth knowing

Meeting the family at Hanukkah is less about being perfect and more about showing up with warmth, respect, and a willingness to join in on the fun. A little kindness, curiosity, and a plate of delicious foods usually melt away any lingering nerves. And remember, you were invited because you matter to someone they love, and that’s already a win.