Public displays of affection, or PDA, can mean anything from a light handhold to a visible kiss. While some couples feel comfortable showing affection publicly, others prefer to keep intimacy private. These comfort levels can vary widely and often reflect personality, past experiences, family upbringing, and faith-based values.
In Jewish tradition, affection is respected and celebrated within relationships, but is often approached with mindfulness. Values like tzniut (modesty) and kavod (respect) encourage individuals to consider how their actions reflect inner dignity and mutual regard.
Judaism celebrates connection but also reminds us that expressing that connection should be thoughtful, not performative. The wisdom of our faith celebrates companionship and the importance of forming close bonds. How we express that closeness in public is a personal choice shaped by values, comfort, and intentional communication.
Knowing your comfort level with public displays of affection and understanding your partner’s is a meaningful first step in creating emotional and spiritual closeness. Some couples may feel completely aligned in their approach to PDA. Others may find themselves navigating different preferences. Both of these are okay when you maintain open and honest lines of communication and work through differences together.
At Jdate, one of the largest community of online Jewish singles, we’re here to serve as the most convenient and personalized shadchan there is. That means helping new couples navigate all aspects of their relationships — including figuring out the level of PDA relationship you want. Keep reading to learn more about public displays of affection and what Jewish teachings have to say on the matter.
Different Comfort Levels in Displaying Affection in Public
Some couples are naturally expressive, while others prefer to keep their affection private. There is no single correct approach. What matters is understanding your comfort level and respecting your partner’s.
In Jewish tradition, love and partnership are cherished, but they are also guided by values such as modesty and respect. These principles help individuals approach relationships with dignity, thoughtfulness, and care for one another.
Common types of PDA include:
- Holding hands.
- A brief kiss on the cheek or lips.
- Hugging in public.
- Sitting close or linking arms.
Why someone may prefer to limit PDA:
- A personal sense of privacy or emotional reserve.
- Cultural or religious beliefs that prioritize modesty.
- A family background where affection was shown in private.
- Discomfort with being the center of attention.
- Sensitivity to how others perceive physical closeness.
Jewish values that influence PDA boundaries:
- Tzniut: Encourages modest behavior in all aspects of life, including relationships.
- Kavod: Emphasizes respect for yourself, your partner, and others.
- Shalom Bayit: Promotes peace and harmony in a relationship through mutual understanding.
Grasping the Concept of a PDA Couple: Pros & Cons
Being a PDA couple means regularly showing physical affection in public. This might include holding hands, hugging, kissing, or sitting close together where others can see. For some couples, it feels natural and affirming. For others, it may feel uncomfortable or inappropriate depending on the setting or their personal beliefs.
In Jewish relationships, publicly expressing affection often intersects with deeper values. Judaism encourages closeness and emotional intimacy but also highlights the importance of intentional behavior and situational awareness.
Pros of being a PDA couple:
- Strengthens emotional connection through physical touch.
- Publicly affirms the relationship, which can increase confidence and security.
- Can be a natural extension of how a couple communicates love.
- May align with love languages that prioritize touch.
- It helps some people feel more bonded or seen by their partner.
Cons of being a PDA couple:
- It can feel uncomfortable or inappropriate, depending on the environment.
- It may conflict with Jewish values of modesty (tzniut) or public conduct.
- It can lead to misunderstandings if one partner feels pressured to reciprocate.
- It might distract from the deeper emotional or spiritual connection.
- Can unintentionally cause discomfort to others in conservative spaces.
A Torah-based perspective:
In Ecclesiastes 3:5, we read, “There is a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing.” This verse reminds us that wisdom includes knowing when certain expressions of love are appropriate. Affection is a blessing, but timing and context matter.
The key is not whether you are a PDA couple or not. The more important question is whether your expressions of love reflect mutual respect, shared values, and emotional alignment.
Deciphering Your Personal Stance on Being a PDA Couple
Before you can communicate your boundaries or preferences to a partner, you need to be clear on what feels right for you. Being in a PDA couple is not just about comfort with physical touch. It also involves self-awareness, spiritual values, and how you want to show love within a relationship that reflects your Jewish identity.
In Jewish thought, introspection is highly valued. The process of Cheshbon hanefesh — accounting of the soul — encourages people to examine their values, motivations, and emotional needs with honesty and humility. This same practice can guide you in understanding your own feelings around PDA.
Use the following questions and reflections to explore your boundaries:
- Was physical affection modeled openly in your family, or kept private?
- Did your community value modesty in relationships?
- How did you feel witnessing other couples showing affection in public?
- Do you feel at ease holding hands or hugging in public?
- Are you more physically affectionate in private settings?
- Do you worry about how others perceive your relationship in public?
- Does tzniut (modesty) shape how you express love?
- Do you feel more connected to your partner through emotional or physical intimacy?
- How do you want your relationship to reflect your Jewish identity?
- Would you be comfortable showing affection at synagogue, a family Shabbat dinner, or a public park?
- How would you react if your partner initiated PDA in those settings?
- Would you want to be seen as a PDA couple in your own community?
If you’re unsure of your final stance or still have questions regarding what’s right for you and your relationship, there are several ways to seek clarity on the issue.
- Talk to a leader of faith about your feelings and relationship boundaries. Seek guidance from older, more established couples of faith in the community.
- Pray about it. Request guidance from God.
- Journal your feelings. Writing about how you feel can serve as a mirror of sorts. Incorporate verses from the Torah that speak to you.
A Torah-based perspective:
As Leviticus 19:18 teaches, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” This commandment reminds us that understanding and honoring ourselves are essential to relating to others. Knowing your stance on PDA is not about fitting a mold. It’s about creating a relationship that reflects who you are and what you believe.
Communicating Your Comfort Levels
Once you’ve taken the time to understand your stance on PDA, the next step is communicating it to the person you’re dating. These conversations can feel vulnerable, especially early on, but they are essential for building trust, respect, and emotional safety.
Jewish tradition values open and honest dialogue. The principle of shalom bayit — peace in the relationship — emphasizes the importance of respectful communication and mutual understanding. Whether you’re very comfortable with PDA or prefer to keep affection private, expressing yourself helps create a relationship rooted in kindness and consent.
Tips for Talking about PDA with Your Partner
Sometimes, it can feel challenging to start a conversation — especially regarding physical boundaries and intimacy. However, having these conversations early and openly is essential to creating a strong, lasting relationship.
Remember, it’s okay if your stance on being a PDA couple changes over time. As relationships evolve, often so do perspectives. Use the following tips as a guide to getting the conversation started.
Use “I” statements to express your feelings clearly:
- “I feel more connected when we hold hands in private rather than in public.”
- “I enjoy showing affection in public and want to know what feels right for you.”
Be upfront, but gentle:
- Don’t wait until there’s a moment of tension to bring it up.
- Look for a calm, neutral moment, like during a walk or a relaxed conversation, to discuss your preferences.
Ask thoughtful questions in return:
- “How do you feel about PDA in different settings?”
- “Is there a situation where you’d feel more or less comfortable showing affection in public?”
Emphasize shared values:
- Focus on respect, emotional intimacy, and being on the same page.
- Remind your partner that your stance on PDA is about comfort, not rejection.
Stay open to compromise:
- You may not share the exact same boundaries, and that’s okay.
- Look for small ways to meet in the middle without either person feeling pressured.
A Torah-based perspective:
“Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” Proverbs 16:24.
Kind and honest communication strengthens relationships. When your partner knows where you stand and feels safe sharing their thoughts, it creates a deeper connection.
Taking the Next Step in Your PDA Journey
Now that you’ve explored your comfort level and learned how to communicate it, the question becomes: What comes next? Whether you’re new to dating or deepening a connection, navigating your PDA preferences with a partner is part of building a thoughtful and respectful relationship.
In Judaism, relationships are seen as partnerships rooted in growth, trust, and shared purpose. The goal is not to agree on everything, but to align in the ways that matter most. Your views on PDA are just one piece of that puzzle. If your partner has different PDA preferences, there are a few things to consider that can help bridge the gap.
Navigating Differences in Jewish Relationships
Use these tips as guidance when navigating differences between you and your partner. Remember, our uniqueness is part of what makes us special, and there is no right or wrong way to proceed with a PDA relationship.
Look for common ground:
- Can you agree on small gestures like hand-holding but save kissing for private settings?
- Is there a time and place that feels comfortable for both of you?
Understand each other’s “why”:
- Ask what influences their comfort level — upbringing, past relationships, or religious values.
- Share your motivations in return.
Revisit the conversation as your relationship evolves:
- Comfort levels can shift as trust grows.
- Rechecking in shows mutual respect and emotional maturity.
If you’re meeting someone new on Jdate:
- You don’t need to bring up PDA right away, but be honest when the topic arises.
- A simple line in conversation like, “I tend to keep affection more private. How about you?” can open the door naturally.
Remember the bigger picture:
- PDA doesn’t define your connection but shared values, communication, and emotional intimacy.
- Showing love takes many forms, like verbal affirmation, acts of kindness, time together, and physical closeness, whether in public or private.
A Torah-based perspective:
“Let all that you do be done in love.” 1 Corinthians 16:14.
While from the New Testament, this sentiment echoes values found throughout Jewish teachings. In Jewish tradition, love is expressed with dignity, joy, and care. However you express it, visibly or discreetly, let it reflect your values and respect for one another.
Join Jdate and Discover Your Kind of Connection
Jdate is more than a place to meet someone. It’s a community of Jewish singles dating with purpose and meaning. Whether you already know your stance on PDA or are still figuring it out, Jdate offers a space where values-based connections can grow. Explore what it means to build a thoughtful, respectful relationship one conversation at a time. Join Jdate today to find your match.
